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I had some thoughts last night as I was falling asleep. Nothing too remarkable to anyone but me, I’m sure, but ones that I want to get down in print anyway. I’m not sure what jogged my mind but I suddenly remembered an incident from two years ago.
We had gone on a vacation to the beach with several other family members. We were the only ones there with a child and the trip was close to being a disaster for him – being dragged around with a bunch of adults to places of no interest to him with no other children to play with. We finally had to cut ties and do our own thing to save sanity.
There was one dinner I remember well. We had not been unschooling for very long and were still on shaky ground with all the new ideas. Zeb was still in the first throes of deschooling and I was still learning how to be a different, more peaceful parent. I still had little idea what any of it looked like in real life and we were an unstable pair, for sure! We sat down to eat and Zeb was too stimulated. The typical response came from the adults at the table – the kind that diminishes a child’s needs and insists they comply in ways they are not yet mature enough to handle.
Looking back I can see how I would handle things now. I would have anticipated Zeb’s needs. We would have picked a more child-friendly setting to eat or played outside until the food was ready. I would have done everything within my power to create an environment for success.
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But I didn’t do those things and was now faced with seriously contrasting demands on a seriously fragile little boy. I didn’t handle it well but I did the best I could in a very hard situation. I stood up for my son…to the extreme. I stated his needs were more important to me than anyone else’s at the table. Not exactly conducive to a peaceful meal.
But it wasn’t until last night that I realized how important it was that I had that exact experience. As a young mother, I had been faced with criticism and judgement from Day One and had learned to parent with an eye towards the on-lookers. I had grown to fear looking like a “bad” or “permissive” or stereotypical young mother and instead learned to neglect my child’s need for support and compassion. I believed in order to be accepted and not judged I had to offer only “tough love” to ensure I produced a child others would view as “well raised”.
Out of fear, I cared more for the thoughts of others than I dared care for my own son.
And in that moment at the restaurant I needed – in all my inexperience and shaky beliefs and probably unfounded emotions at that time – to make a stand. To assert for myself and for Zeb that I was not the same. To insist to the world they no longer mattered to me as much as my child, that he now came first and that respect for that was paramount.
Truthfully, to look at it now, it is a rather embarrassing moment. I didn’t handle it well and it certainly wasn’t an shining example of what unschooling, consensual living or peaceful parenting is. I don’t know that I’ve ever related the story to other unschoolers. I’ve never been told what I did wrong or what I could have done differently or what I should do next time. No one was there to point out the “lesson”. It took me two years to really understand my actions like I do now; to see that I had to swing from one end of the pendulum (allowing others to dictate my parenting) to the other (all potential dictators be damned!) in order to find and move from my center. Had someone lectured me in the infantile state I was in, my own embarrassment probably would have shut me down to any perceived criticism or attempts at help. Who wants to be reminded of their shortcomings?
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As I lay in bed last night, remembering the words and emotions of the evening, I began to wonder how often those same situations have arose in Zeb’s life. How many times has he made a choice that internally didn’t feel quite right to him? Did I give him the space to ruminate and find a deeper, more meaningful understanding or did I rub salt in the wound by trying to bring the lesson home?
It’s a fine line to walk – to know when to talk it over and when to allow it to brew quietly beneath the surface of their minds. It’s difficult to allow life to teach the real lessons and trust our kids will get it. But I want to remember that tiny voice that whispered to me before I drifted off last night. Healthy kids in healthy environments will get it. We all will. Like me, we just need time and support to adjust or heal or accept what Life is saying.
[Haiku photo idea totally snagged from Molly.]
your boy is lucky to have an advocate like you.
I love every aha moment – the loud slaps and the quiet nudges. I totally agree with you that that moment had to occur in the way that it did. i tend to look back on most (everything?) in my past that way – it had to happen that way at the time. Giving our children that space IS bloody difficult. I have cultivating that parenting since she was 9 months old, hopefully to prepare me for the future days. The days when it will be so easy to give ready words to their problems.
oh, and love, love, these shots.
It can be hard. But I think of parenting as a “work in progress”. I’m not sure when the end will be, but you can always be improving. It can be hard to be an advocate for your child, especially when you feel like others don’t respect your role as a parent. I just had an experience over the weekend where I knew I should have stepped in, but didn’t out of fear of how I might look to relatives. I kick myself now thinking about it, but I also know how to prepare myself in case it happens again.
I’ve been “lurking” on your site for several months now, continually moved by your writing, ideas, and ideals, but never commenting. This post touched me and I just needed to tell you how amazing I think your blog is, and more specifically how amazing you are. I am always left with lots of new things to think about after reading your posts…. and I love it!
I’m terribly guilty of doing ‘post-mortems’ on situations like those — sort of a morbid desire to wallow in the discomfort or something — but I agree, these things play out as they should and, if we’re attentive and open, we will hear the lesson they were designed to impart….
I have to work hard at not doing the ’so this is what we can learn from this incident’ with the kids — fortunately, Savannah keeps me honest and lets me know when I”m beinga pain in the arse…:)
Great post, thanks!
Beautiful thoughts and pictures, but all I could think was that you will never get to eat that artichoke! We eat the bud of the flower, before it blooms. But you knew that, right?
That was wonderful! I loved reading it and thank you for sharing the story. It was like I was reading back in my diary, a couple years back.
What a good reminder.
Sam
Wow. Thanks for sharing your story. Yep. Your experience brought back some memories, for sure! I, too, believe that even the most awkward or dark situations have a gift in them, that we just need to be present as much as we can or at least leave an opening for the understanding to come.
And, even though I’ve gone through similar situations and have become a better homeschooler/unschooler/parent…your story reminds me that I am not finished. I have an only child, and I often try to rush in to “save” her, to be in those dark places with her. What a crazy lady I am! Trying to fit into someone else’s skin!!!
Thanks for the story, Tara, and the gorgeous pictures.
thank you for the comments and kind words. this moment has really stirred my thoughts and i’ve really enjoyed reading everyone else’s perspective on it.
Beautiful post (and GORGEOUS PHOTOS!)!
I hear you mama. I was just sitting with a group of unschoolers a few weeks back recalling the beginning when I thought consensual parenting meant his needs were everything and mine didn’t count. It’s amazing where the learning curve and the the journey takes you. Sometimes you have to try on different hats and I commend your mama fierceness. My default can be on the opposite side of the spectrum — go with the flow –even when it isn’t in my children’s best interest and that doesn’t feel good either.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing this experience. I’m unschooling a young child and now learning to deal with these kinds of situations. Your reflections are really useful and inspiring
Oh, such powerful insights! I know just what you mean about swinging between extremes in order to find your balance. There is so much to learn on the parenting journey, so many mistakes to be made along the way. How else will we learn if we don’t allow ourselves to make mistakes and change our path as needed? I’ve always thought unschooling is as much a learning path for the parent as it is for the child.
What a beautiful post! (and photos!)
I can relate to what you are saying so much I have been through the same when my children were babies. We are always learning these lessons. I am glad to have a compass that I know to follow, my heart and the kids leading. It is so nice to connect in this space with others who feel the same!
Thank you for sharing. This is why I read your wonderful blog….
Wow, this is something I’ve been thinking of more and more as of late. My little guy is 2 and I’ve been going through this transformation the past 7 months (since we began learning about Waldorf ed. and had our baby girl) We already do a lot of the attachment parenting, but didn’t know there was a name for it. I am learning so much and discovering that it is a process. I know what you mean about parenting “with an eye to the on-lookers”, even though I never cared when I was a teen. Thank you for sharing this. I don’t feel so alone about it now! *hugs
p.s. just found your blog and I love it!
I was fairly young when I became a mom for the first time–no one else in either of our families had kids, and none of our friends did. I had so many experiences of having to learn to trust my gut and ignore what other people thought. Some of those experiences were quite raw, like yours was. But I agree with you–it’s so important that we have those experiences to help us solidify who we are as parents.
And I especially appreciate that you’re considering how to allow those experiences for your son as well. It’s hard to wish difficulty on our kids–we want to “fix” everything for them. But we really learn best by working through things on our own, don’t we?
Thanks for sharing that….I too was very young when I had my first and spent WAAAAYYY too much time worried about how my family was perceiving my parenting styles and decisions. It’s so freeing to be so secure in the person I am now-a-days and yay for you!
PS-I just posted some pics of artichoke flowers as well…Yours are stunning and I love the haiku~
Wouldn’t life be boring without all of those interesting lessons?! Great photos!
I know what you mean.
I didn’t have an RU moment, but having a very spirited and sensitive babe/toddler/preschooler I had times when I felt so judged, like he was this way because I was too loose, didn’t ‘make’ him, wasn’t tough, didn’t make him ‘thick skinned’ by forcing him to ‘xxxxx it out’. With his personality we fell naturally into co-sleeping, child-led weaning, peaceful parenting…not anything that anyone in either of our families ever thought was ok.
I always felt at the ready to defend…to attack. Nobody was going to say anything ever to make my child feel inadequate. Grrr. But all those mama bear moments and realizations are what indeed led us naturally into unschooling. I have never had a mentor, don’t have anyone I know who unschools with a child my kids age or older. Live in a bubble of what we do in a way. But I think every moment is brilliant. Kids do get it. And we clear the way.
I love your haiku…
What a fabulous post — beautiful photos and recollection of your experience and your current insights.
Yes, the swinging back and forth to find center… I’ve been discovering lately how sometimes it’s daily, hourly, and yes, even years long.
Yay, so glad to know a sister that’s helping make the world a better place by raising our children very well! You are great! Aren’t situations that are uncofmrtable so great for our reflection and doing things differently. Like putting ourselves and children before whatever crap ideas anyone else has about how to raise children or ourselves…
oh, i had so many of these moments, but not the reflective, loving aha so much…so, thank you!! i immediately flashed on my in-laws stepping in to “correct” the parenting i was doing with my first very spirited one – stepping in to yell at her during a tantrum (!!!), telling me with a parting hug that “it’s ok to say No”…oy, it’s painful to think of those times, and how ungracefully (but appropriately!) i responded.
got here through mama om, and i’m glad to have found you!
debbie
Thank you for sharing this experience here. I am just vocalizing my desire to homeschool our children and while my husband is not against it, I find that I am defensive when I talk about the topic with other parents who are choosing traditional education for their children.
Also, I think that as I’ve grown as a parent, my daughter is now 2 1/2 and we have on due any day now, I have grown more confident and turn more inward than ever before. I care less and less what “other” people think about how my family is choosing to do things.
Last thing, good for you!