I should know myself by now. I should know it is against my very nature to do anything without a fair amount of thinking and over-thinking. I should also know that every summer I feel a furious, soul-digging, nerve-tapping impetus that presses me to upheave my existence and examine beneath every rock or rotting log. May and June are uncomfortable and disagreeable. July never fails to change me indefinitely. Taking on a challenge at this time of year – a challenge that encourages me to do more than I think – is a denial of the almighty Who I Am. Because as I try and try to make changes or finish tasks or accomplish something – anything – that Still Small Voice begins to whisper, asking me why I’m fighting the current it’s providing.
“But if our deepest soul’s longing is to wake up and fully occupy the human life we have, and if we can do this anywhere we are willing to be fully present, what then is this incredible attachment to and preoccupation with getting the details of our life situation to conform to what we want, to what we think is necessary or ideal?
…because the consciousness that is larger than we are never forgets that it is not where we go[/are] or what we do but the level of awareness we bring to our actions that determines whether or not we are fully living our life’s purpose.” – excerpts from The Call: Discovering Why You Are Here by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
These quotes jumped out at me recently. They challenged me, as this author always challenges me. They stopped me in my tracks and forced me to listen to the aforementioned question of “Why”. Thus my goals for the Doing, Not Thinking Challenge have been turned on their head. I went into this thinking I could finally grab the bull by the horns and tackle this persistent mental upset. But no sooner than I began than my body began its most serious protests. My back pain, being the newest catalyst to my constant self-realization, insisted I pace myself. And from that nagging insistence has come a beautiful turn of events.
I gave in. That was my first move but far from my first reaction. However, I allowed myself the rest my body is demanding. I’ve taken time – an hour or more – to wake up slowly and peacefully. I sit in my garden in the cool of the morning and write and read or pray and meditate or play harmonica. Those energizing moments give me enough strength to focus on just a few tasks for the morning – gardening, a single load of laundry, a vacuumed floor – before my body insists I slow down again. So, before lunch approaches we read or play a game or color and draw together. By the time afternoon rolls around my back is insisting I relax, so I have several hours before dinner to lay on the couch with an ice pack and the laptop.
My body forced me to let go of my frenetic impulse to micro-manage my time. I had little choice but to tune in…and listen…and allow it to unfold however it dictated. And from my surrender has flowed this natural rhythm and pace to my day that is so peaceful and fulfilling that I wonder how in the world I ever felt so crazy, hectic, out of control to begin with. As I abdicate my will once again, I have to ask myself how many times must I be reminded to Let Go and allow the obvious path to unfurl and lay at my feet the direction to meander. It always does. Always. I just have to stop trying to run ahead. I just have to remember.
Decluttering has all-together been another story. Pacing myself means fractions of the time needed is actually available, so while I’ve done a tad here or a smidge there, nothing measurable has been accomplished in awhile, thus leaving me feeling frustrated and more than a little uninspired, even disgusted, with the state of my estate. Not that it is “disgusting” by the common meaning of the word. Just that I am disgusted with it. I look around and so little of it fits me. I could toss 85% of my home’s contents without feeling any serious loss. Only Justin has intervened from our home being an echoing building with nowhere to sit.
I ask myself what I want to see in this space and answer with “things”: styles or items. But when I ask myself what I want to feel in this place the replies hint of comfort and art, beauty and love, inspiration and color, music and peace. How do you go about capturing feelings, anyway?
And then in my quieter moments I read the quotes above and wonder if I’m on the wrong track again. Does/should it matter that my surroundings are not my perfect ideal? The things around me feed me or drain me; this I know. But I know I can’t be fully at peace with anything until I find peace right where I am. And looking at the space around me only one word comes to mind:
Dammit.
Wow, just wow. Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way, don’t we?
Amen to that. Over and over again it seems. lol
lol! Two roads to the same place
Well, we’re just swapping paths for a bit because we’ve been just been living in the wind for awhile and everyone is asking for a bit more rhythm. We realized that in order to move forward with our big plan we need to finish our small house project and the only way that seems possible is motivate.
I’m glad you taking it easy though. My body always does the same to me; reminds me to slow down.
Man. I almost get giddy when I read some of your posts. Not because I think your musing are particularly humorous, but because they echo my exact sentiments. You so articulately wrote what I’ve been feeling over the last couple of days but haven’t been able to verbalize in any way. Great quotes. I may have to pick up that book. Just picked up The Artist’s Way. Let me know what you think of The Creative Habit when you get around to it.
lol. Well, I hope you get it figured out. Right now the thing that is helping me in regards to our home is to not buy any “stuff.” I was a “stuff” collector for a long time and realized that it just gives an empty feeling. But if I can create the items for my home myself, or find a new use for an old item…this somehow brings more fulfillment. And I would love to get rid of a lot of things myself. Too much “stuff” equals feelings of “emptiness” which is not what you would expect.
Ooooh, thanks for sharing this. It is EXACTLY what I need. I’m heading over and signing up. I already know what I want to accomplish and the autumnal equinox is a fair amount of time to accomplish it: I want to finish the spring cleaning that I have started the last few years, but never finished!
This is just what I need right now. So fitting. Thanks again.
Yes, yes, yes. Thank you for writing this, and thank you for sharing the quotes. I’m right there with you – how much fussing over “stuff” and how much inner peace – and does inner peace really mean I have to live with stained upholstery and dirty dishes?
Very good post Tara! Most definitely food for thought. I understand where you’re coming from I think (I hope). In my humble opinion wanting a nicer home, with contents that fit you, does not go against accepting what is. Acceptance brings about clarity and clarity brings about change. Having possessions that reflect you as people and as a family reflect and lift your energy to accept more of life’s abundance. So you can accept things as they are but still want more. Is that clear? Must have rewritten this 10 times lol.
Actually, this has inspired a blog series of my own, hop on over to check it out
*grin* I see what you mean about you letting go and me grabbing hold…and at pretty much the same time..
..still, I think it all lends itself to the great spiral…we’re both still ebbing and flowing but there’s time to drift and time to paddle…you can’t do one of those things exclusively for any great length…I don’t think, anyway…
Me? I just need direction for my mad, fart-in-a-winsdtorm braiain..Ack I can’t see what i”m writing..ther are provablyspelling errors…!! aCK!!
good goddess! look at that atrocious spelling!!!!
Why does it do that? Hmmmm….
Sheesh, Tara, you always say it so beautifully! I love this: “My back pain, being the newest catalyst to my constant self-realization”. I have SO been there! My neck and shoulders and head are always my catalyst, teaching me to slow down, enjoy the moment, forget about it all for a while. We are still accomplishing so much, but it’s always slower and more deliberate than at first I “plan” for. Sometimes I think it’s just because I’m getting old, but really more so it’s because I’m becoming more aware. You too, eh?
Rhonda Jean at down-to-earth.blogspot posted today about making our homes work for us. She made me feel less guilty about wanting to make things pretty, and more useful. Not everyone values that, but some of us are just so attuned to our environment. You’ll get there, just maybe a little more slowly than your mind wants to.
lol, your killing me. This is a beautiful post with the ending bringing a giggle and a smile. It’s stange to see your life in someone elses writing, even the last sentence… Damit;-)
Thanks so much for all your great comments on my blog! Heh, I’ve been reading your great blog for ages, glad you stumbled across mine again (^_^).
…but I def. believe in evolution so who knows what that’ll be!
I don’t think we will see the fall of capitalism in our lifetime, or if it will ever happen truly, like you said, there will always be people at the top. But I def. see it slowly slowly crumbling away, especially as more and more people are becoming non-trustworthy of fiscal institutions and taking things into their own control…transitions towns is a movement here in NZ that seems to be creating a change…Maybe it’s because I live in a waaaay smaller country than you do, that I think it’s a likelihood…NZ could essentially become self-sufficient, like Cuba…but yeah, it’s probably not going to happen
p.s, yep, totally getcha on this one. I always relate to your doing not thinking. Love that quote from his holiness eh, def. worth a printout
Beautifully written. New to your blog. Sent over via link from Sara at The Leaning Umbrella. Your blog is a virtual how to. I’ve been drooling over all of your to-do lists.
)