For reasons I’m not quite ready to elaborate on (and some you already know), life is a bit stressful right now.
So, I’m doing what any woman in her right mind should do: I’m postponing the chores, stocking up on long-awaited library loaners and curling up for some much needed down time.
I just finished The Highly Sensitive Child
.
I would consider both Zeb and myself to be “highly sensitive people” – more easily affected by our surroundings or our emotions, irritated by noises or sensations that others don’t notice, and needing lots of time away from stimulation to feel balanced and whole, among other things. So by reading this book, I hoped for some more insight both into myself and Zeb, who can sometimes struggle more than others.
A note on the use of labels:
I’ve actively resisted labels in my own life and in the classification of my child. It’s not that I felt labels were evil; they help convey a message or classify our own stance. But I know the danger the respresent too, and how few of them actually fit the person they are blanketed over. But when I first came across this label, it just didn’t bother me. I realize for many it will and I totally get that. But I think for me, it was more validating than pigeon-holing. I also appreciated that the author states it is a blanket statement to define a variety of traits and that no two HSPs are alike. To me, it feels more like a tool to better communicate a personality, than a label to lock a person into a way of being.
Overall, the message of the book was that of acceptance and patience, which is both validating and conforting. But it still missed the mark for me. I think it was that some of her examples still came from such a traditional parenting standpoint, which doesn’t resonate with me personally.
However, I think the book was good in conveying that HSCs (highly sensitive children) are not abnormal and should be treated with compassion and understanding. There were many examples of advocating for our kids and listening to them. And there were plenty of techniques for handling itchy clothing, large crowds or other common issues. But I found less than I hoped for handling the more difficult aspects of sensitivity, such as when the world can seem depressing or an HSC can feel hopeless in it.
She included a blurb on homeschooling as an alternative, without much knowledge on the subject but huge amounts were dedicated to dealing with school. These were helpful in some ways, offering a few tips that could relate to us, but large portions were skimmed over as things like homework just didn’t apply.
One of the things that has most been on my mind, and I was surprised to see so little mentioned, was overstimulation from video games, computers and the like. I was hoping for an HSP perspective, rather than the typical ‘it’s all bad’ viewpoint you encounter when trying to find open, honest dialogue on the pros and cons of the topic. (I have a lot more to say about this in particular but I need to organize my own thoughts a bit more first.)
Overall, the book was great at affirming to parents that it’s okay; your kid is okay and they will be okay in the future. But the actual practical advice was nothing extraordinary that I haven’t read from the likes of Naomi Aldort or Alfie Kohn…just coming from an HSP perspective. I probably could’ve gotten away with reading the first section, explaining the traits, and the last section on kids and adolescents and been happy. I am still glad I read it and I do still recommend it for anyone raising an HSC, or even one who feels they were an HSC, but I probably got more from Allowing Your Highly Sensitive Child to Shine With Unschooling.
I’m still looking forward to reading The Highly Sensitive Person (hoping it will convey more helpful ideas and understanding for both of us), but I just started Playful Parenting and I’m loving it too much to put down!
What good parenting books have you read lately?
I haven’t read this, but it’s been on my mental list for awhile. I’m also partway through Playful Parenting and am quite enjoying it. Trying to juggle that with a 4th time through Life of Pi, 1st time through Franny and Zooey, and 1st time through one of Bertrand Russell’s philosophy books. I wish I was better at reading multiple things simultaneously.
I read a book called the out of sync child when I was a toddler teacher and came away from it feeling empowered. It’s a book about children with sensory integration issues, and I thought it very helpful in helping a few students of mine. Sensory integration is a sweeping “label” too, and I liked the way the book broke things down, explained differences, and the HOW of how a brain grows and works, and ways to help children without making them fit any labels.
thanks so much for this review and introducing it here. Fauna and myself are very sensitive gals, as are my mom and my sisters. I will check it out next time I’m at the library. I like Rachel’s recommendation too, will have to get that one too.
I hope things are looking up over there. Thinking of you.
lisa
I’ve read The Highly Sensitive Person, though I find it all rather dry at times, what I’ve most enjoyed is just allowing myself to be who I am. The most important thing I’ve done with my sensitive child who is now 7 has been attached parenting. He’s blossomed in ways I still wish I could while still remaining sensitive. It’s hard being sensitive in a world that seems completely desensitized to everything. I hope you get a chance in the near future to share more thoughts on highly sensitive children and people in general, especially when it comes to overstimulation. We really struggle with that one in our house.
Great blog.
I read that book with A was younger. I am very much HSP, and when he couldn’t handle smells, sounds, textures, change in pattern or routine, emotions…well, it was a nice read but you are right – not much on practical application in a non-mainstream way. I liked Raising Your Highly Spirited Child. I do love Naomi Aldort though, too, and Jan Hunt, Alfie Kohn.
Right now I am re-reading Hold on to your kids : why parents need to matter more than peers.
I liked the positive affirmations in Radical Unschooling: A Revolution Has Begun, which I recently read. I also recently read the Free Range Kids book…so many books, so little time. I’m sure I am forgetting a few dozen!
((hugs)) to you – hope things are looking up.
I want to thank you for your comment about this the other day on my blog. After looking at the information , I do think that my Phoebe is an HSC. This is a book I will check outf, along with the one’s that others have mentioned. Thanks!
Great review Tara. Thank you for this. I haven’t read the book but do believe that both Isaac and myself are highly sensitive. I will check it out from the library…if just to browse through it. Will check out some of the other recommendations as well. Hope you are well. -Debbie
I’ve been hearing of this book for awhile and for whatever reason haven’t read it. I did read Raising Your Spirited Child long ago, when my firstborn was still a baby, really. What I mainly got out of the book is that I was/am a Spirited Child!! So many of my traits were explained, and bless my parents, who did their best, but they really didn’t know how to stop giving me the message that I was “overreacting” to everything.
Thanks, too, for the link on livingjoyfully.
I have read Raising Your Spirited Child, as well. I think I liked it better, perhaps because the concept was still new and I was just expecting more from the HSC book. I haven’t read The Out Of Sync Child yet, but it’s my understanding HSC was better so I doubt I will get around to it. Hold On To Your Kids and RU Revolution sound interesting too. I’m never going to make it through my book pile!
Oh, I meant to mention that one book I read recently was Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids. I’ve been studying NVC with a teacher here in Seattle and the book is heavily influenced by NVC but what I liked about it was how it brought together many of the ideas that have resonated with me from all the parenting books I’ve read over the years. Another good one like that was Connection Parenting.
I really enjoyed Playful Parenting… I’ve read it twice. I have been revisiting all the books I first read five years ago… It’s interesting to reread them.
Thanks for the review — I haven’t read this book, but I think I’ll add it to my reading list. I definitely have a Highly Sensitive Child!
Thank you for reviewing this book! My daughter is (warning – labels ahead) “high-spirited” “high-needs” and yes, “highly sensitive!” It can be a struggle, for sure, but it’s nice to know there isn’t anything *wrong* with her. The main issue I have isn’t knowing this, but having to constantly reassure myself that it’s all good. Now I’m off to read the article you linked… Thanks again.
Hi Tara, I am an HSP and I have the HSP Survival Guide. It gives good advice for different techniques to help with everyday life. I wish I could find the book on how to live with and understand the HSP for spouses and children who live with HSP’s. That would be helpful. I sometimes feel like an odd man out in my family. LOL I don’t really like labels either but this survival guide is helpful and I recommend it.
Love and Light, Tiffani
There are too many books to read! I have checked out Playful Parenting but I have been too distracted with other books to read it. I’m almost done with Mothering Your Nursing Toddler, and I just checked out Healing and Preventing Autism (more interested in the prevention part of that).
I am a very sensitive person. I wish my parents had read that book. So far Michael has shown to be sensitive emotionally, but he doesn’t seem to be overly sensitive in other aspects. Would the book be helpful for raising a child who is just emotionally sensitive?
Thanks for the review. I’ve owned Highly Sensitive Person for years. Can’t remember how good it is. I do remember that only some was useful to me (a mild HSP) because I’m not physicallys sensitive, but also because I think it focused on quite extreme examples. I think. My girl isn’t a HSC, but she is easily overwhelmed if overly mentally stimulated. Anyway, like you, I use labels as tools but am also suspicious of them. But such books are useful for parents who feel their child is so different and struggle to understand them or feel anxiety over that difference.
[...] well. If you’ve read either The Highly Sensitive Person or The Highly Sensitive Child and my thoughts on it, you’ll have a better understanding of where we’re coming [...]
I’m not entirely sure how I stumbled upon this, but am so glad I did. I am currently reading The Out-of-Sync Child, have read Raising Your Spirited Chilr, and now want to read The Highly Sensitive Child. Thank you for your review. Glad I found this blog!