The very first thing on my list of 28:
1. Embrace my child’s fullness, even especially when it scares me.
When I wrote that it just sort of tumbled out. I’m not sure I really understood it, but it took rank as the first thing my heart desired for this year and so I trusted it. It’s probably also the most difficult. It’s not a one-time task like “Knit a pair of socks”. It’s an ongoing, never-ending process. And what did I even mean by “especially when it scares me”?
Last night Zeb and I laid together and talked and as he began to drift off, it dawned on me exactly what I was afraid of. Not only am I afraid for him, I’m afraid of not being the parent he needs me to be.
Let me digress for a few paragraphs:
Zeb is a very old soul and carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. He not only notices injustices (or ugliness or negativity), but sometimes seeks them out. Sometimes this means his analytical thinking brings about awesome changes as he points out room for improvement. Sometimes it means he’s bogged down with a heaviness he can’t get out from under. And too often it means we are left feeling frustrated and bogged down with him.
I was told some things when I was pregnant about Zeb’s life; “prophecies” if you will. Without going into detail they all felt very much like he was going to lead a deeply spiritual and/or philosophical life. I tend not to think of those things very often as I don’t want to project anything onto him, but sometimes they pop into my head and I wonder if he’s already on that path. If somehow this heaviness he feels will eventually lead him to question or seek greater or deeper things.
It’s very hard to watch him when he feels that weight bear down upon him. He’s not a very happy person on those days and it’s difficult to know what to do for him. (Especially when there are so many consecutive days.)
But isn’t this part of his fullness? Life isn’t always sunshine and butterflies and can’t beauty be found in despair? Or at least be born of it?
The first 11 days of this adventure were exciting to watch. We rarely get to see him so engaged and lit up! He was curious and inquisitive and full of life, every single moment. He was Open in the way we hope to see our children open to life. And I reveled in it, hoping *this* is what he needed to embrace joy.
Maybe that’s why I sort of panicked when I saw that heaviness return yesterday. When your child tells you he hates new things, hates trying new things, and even though he’s bored he doesn’t want the risk of failure, it’s hard to fight that urge to take him by his shoulders and shake him back Alive. In one bubbling flash of emotion I felt like yelling “You’re 10 years old! You should be laughing and playing and full of Life! You’re missing out! Look at the beauty around you, open your eyes, embrace it!”
Instead, I remembered what I had just read on Mama-Om about those flashes of stories our minds or emotions tell us. So I held my breath, squeezed my eyes shut and tightened my stomach for just a moment to stop the rush of emotion coming up. (I know; exactly the opposite of what people say to do – take a deep breath and relax your core. But I find I have to feel something intense to stop the intensity trying to find its way out. Then I can breath and relax again.) And when that rushing, bubbling urge to react subsided, I said the only thing that came to my heart.
“I’m sorry you’re feeling that way.”
That’s when he began to drift off and I began to realize that I am afraid. Afraid that he will always be unhappy. Afraid that I don’t know what he needs or that I might do the wrong thing for him. Parenting is a very vulnerable place, full of fear and deep concern. But parenting mindfully is difficult when you can’t get out of your own mind.
So here I am, turning to the wisdom and grace and tenderness of the mamas and papas out there, the ones who understand my goal of deep respect for Who He Is but aren’t in the thick of the brambles and can perhaps see the bigger picture that is so often blocked from our emotional view. Here I am, asking you…
How do you embrace your child’s fullness, especially when it scares you?
You mean when I succeed at it? Yeah, not always in top form, but anyway… What I do is remember the little girl that I used to be who felt just the same as my daughter is feeling right now and try to love her the way I wish someone had loved me then. It is amazing to watch the struggle melt away when I get it right. In happier moments, I talk often about how happiness is a choice and that we can always choose it. This is NOT something to say when your child is not happy about something. Ask me how I know…
I think this is an emotion a lot of parents have, but don’t recognize it for what you have. I know that for myself, these moments come more and more often as Ian gets to be older… I think for myself, it’s sadness that I can’t keep things from effecting him as deeply as they do. I think it’s natural. I also think it becomes more strong the older my kids get, and the less input I have on what they are exposed to. When kids are small, it’s easier to shield them, and help them process the things they do feel impact from. I think your answer to him was so GOOD!! Sometimes, myself, I don’t even REALLY need anyone to FIX things or tell me NOT to feel them. I just need someone to empathize, and say they are sorry I’m feeling the way I am. Don’t forget, there’s a HUGE amount of healing that comes from just being able to TALK about negative feelings. I’m sure you helped more than it feel like you did just by being there.
In many ways, you have described my son, who is about to turn 10. I try and remember that he needs to be able to be himself in front of me, and not worry about making me happy. It is my job to be his safe person. Yes, I want him to be happy and fun-loving, but that is not always who he is. He is more of everything – more demanding, more sensitive (but he doesn’t show it like I do), he is more loving, and more difficult to read. He says NO to everything the first time it is presented to him, he isn’t comfortable with change. I imagine a huge transition would be VERY difficult for him, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t enjoying it, he just may need to processes it for a while. You are all vulnerable right now, be gentle with him, and with yourself!!
Best Wishes to you all.
Encourage him to write about what he is feel. Find a special notebook just for him where he can express himself privatly, where his thoghts are his own. It’s a great way for him to relieve the burbens that he carries. If he want to share he can it would be up to him.
Also maybe he might find I interesting to have his own blog. He could share the ideas and thoughts that he needs to. Maybe having people comment would help to realize he is not alone in his ideals. Could be a new revolution in parenting, start a trend in child bloggers.
Both options are a good creative outlet as well. Keep that muscle working you know?
I have never posted on here before, but felt that I needed to let you know that I completely understand what you are saying..I am a HSP, as well, as my Eldest. Sadly, I did not figure this out until my mid 20s.
I am learning how to care for myself when the world seems too much. Luckily, my daughter has someone in her corner that gets where she is coming from…someone who can help her become a more stable person than I am:)
One thing I have found is that I need to be honest with her about the emotions she feels and letting her know that they are normal. There may not be an answer to them, which is a hard thing for an overly analytical mind to take, but they will most likely pass. I go through cycles when I feel on top of the world and then suddenly like there isn’t a single purpose in life. I find that when I can spot those times and take time for myself, I am better able to handle it.
I hope to pass these things on to my child. She has it way better than I did. Just like your son, she has someone to understand her, which is all an HSP wants in a world full of people who misunderstand them.
I know this is rambling. I do not get to talk about this often to people who appreciate it, thus my thoughts are jumbled. One of the best things I have been trying to put into practice is the complete rest I or my daughter needs after a really exciting time. To recharge and not think:)) To have nothing to do….I also really like the idea of writing down thoughts during these hard times.
Anyway, I am sure this does not make much sense, but I had to say, at least, that I understand.
Safe travels,
Becky
It seems from what you wrote that this heaviness is a common thing for him. I would try to see it as a part of him and not something you can change by doing anything differently. It’s not something that will simply go away if you find the right solution.
You didn’t create that in him, and you can’t remove it.
You are providing a life of fullness and rich experiences. You are providing him many, many opportunities for joy but you can’t make him be joyful. Most importantly, you are giving him a safe place to be who he is, even when what he is being is unpleasant.
For a person who naturally carries that ‘heaviness’, you are doing him a great service just by being the family you are. You aren’t burdening him with all the extra crap a lot of kids are burdened by. You are the best parent for Zeb.
You said-
“…If somehow this heaviness he feels will eventually lead him to question or seek greater or deeper things.”
It sounds like it already is/does! He’s already on his path, even if his path contains sadness and hurt.
Have you talked with him during better times and asked him if he has ideas for what you can do when he is feeling that way? Do you speak honestly with him about your experiences and fears and failures and working through them? Maybe ask him for help when you are scared?
Don’t underestimate the value of the low times. It’s only through experiencing them that we can truly appreciate the high ones.
You said-
“That’s when he began to drift off and I began to realize that I am afraid. Afraid that he will always be unhappy. Afraid that I don’t know what he needs or that I might do the wrong thing for him.”
What if he is always unhappy? Think about it. You can’t choose happiness for him any more than you can choose his religion or political party or future spouse. If he spends the rest of his life unhappy the best you can do is love him anyway. Be a safe place for him. He might be the most unhappy person in the world one day, and the only thing you have control over is for him to at least know you love him.
You gave me the advice yesterday to give my husband time and be contagious. Wise words, me thinks.
I have thought a lot recently about my misconception that if we lived this way, my kids would have no reason to not be happy. That they would automatically revel in all the glory and freedom and joy that is life. I feel like we’re giving our kids a gift and all they have to do is take it and run. They can be anything, do anything. They can create the life they want. I had fallen into a trap of expecting (yikes!) that they take full advantage of the all the possibilities of the freedom in life we are providing. And you know? That’s just about as fair as my grandma expecting me to wear that ugly shirt she gifted me.
Love and Peace to you while you’re sorting all this out.
Brianna
What I want to do is jump in and fix things, but I know how much I dislike it when people do that to me.
So, I (try) to step back and get my emotions out of the game. Create a safe place for my boys to be exactly who they are. Let them know I understand they are going through something rough and that I am there for them. Just like you did.
My son is only 20 months old, but I think I would do the same thing for a ten year old: I listen, and tell him I love him. They do need empathy.
I know you know that feeling deeply, though it can be very difficult, is a blessing. Zeb will probably have a harder time finding peace in his life, but when he does, his joy will be so much more.
I would have a hard time with it, too. I want nothing more than for my son to be happy. Zeb is fortunate to have a mother who is willing to accept him, all of him, bad moods included.
I don’t know any easy answer to that question. My two children are both grown now and seem to have turned out ok.
How did I do it, I laughed, cried, prayed, danced, walked around prepared to catch them at any moment…I made it up every day as I went. I stayed engaged in the now. Mostly I loved them and kept my word.
I know exactly what your talking about, and my eldest is only 2! I don’t think I have any anwsers for you. I too am afraid and such. I just try to embrace him all of him. Someone told me that he’s going to be the one here for me to help me. But shouldn’t it be the other way around since I’m his parent?
Be present Mama and love…love deeply.
Yesterday Eli and I were at a coffee shop waiting out some car repairs – it was crowded and noisy and Eli just sort of freaked out – insisted he had to go home NOW – I tried reasoning with him, ya know – by the time we get home on the bus the car will be done and we’ll have to come back and that sort of thing – stuff he already knew anyway – all this reasoning with him just pushed him further into feeling freaked out.
Finally, my Spirit spoke up louder than my mind(fear) and I looked at him and just told him I wanted to help and was sorry he was having a hard time. So he sits down and stares out the window a few minutes and then comes to stand before me to share a few magic tricks he’d thought up w/ his ‘lucky dime’ – before I knew it almost an hour had passed and he and I were relaxed and smiling and having a grand time –
so the trick, at least for me, is figuring out how to turn down my mind(fear) in those moments – cause Spirit always knows how to love and empathize – Spirit knows just how to parent/support this child. Wish these things came w/ easy to find volume controls
I’m not sure what I do really. But I think that seeing her as a human being seperate from me helps me. Although she’s still so young and attched… she’s still a whole human. And I was forced to be what my mother wanted me to be. As if a child is an empty vessel.
And then I also step back and look at the bigger picture, and this helped ME, when I wondered if I was doing it right or doing enough. That i am only one tiny human and can’tpossibly know what my child’s future, karma, destiny, whatever, is supposed to be, or offers for her… or whatever it is you believe. That is, I can’t be sure that a ‘bad’ experience won’t be just what she needs. And I am convinced now that she is MY child for a reason – I am the parent she supposed to have. And part of being the ‘right’ parent includes our flaws, mistakes, trip-ups, personal issues.
That doesn’t for a second mean I become complacent about the issues/flaws, but rather that I see the bigger picture that those flaws are mine and she chose me as her mother with those flaws…. all for a reason.
Motly, I look ather and think – it’s not about ME.
Not sure if that helped at all or amde sesne. lol I really only popped in to say that I think your a great mother and that you’re ALREADY doing amazingly with Zeb. Like you said, it’s a process.
I think so much of being a parent is about being afraid. Afraid of them coming to physical harm, afraid of them being mentally harmed by experiences, some of which are beyond our control, being afraid of letting them go, or keeping them too close. No-one can be the perfect parent, although we can all try. I guess my advice would be:
- love the child that he is – although I consider myself to be preaching to the converted here for sure
- by example and by talking at the right times show that happiness is a choice, that sometimes requires some effort, or a confrontation of our fears or similar – so that he can learn to choose happiness, to seek out the good parts of life – although some are naturally drawn to the sadness in life, and that’s just the way they are, and nothing we can do will change that, if that is to be the case, then those around him need to accept it and provide the support or help he wants or needs when it is required,
- by example and by telling, show that you are doing the best you can in the circumstances that you have, to be the best parents for him, admit that sometimes you make mistakes, wish you had done things differently – that that doesn’t always make them wrong choices, but if you had your time again you wouldn’t follow the same path, so you have learned as you journey, and thus, so can he. By admitting to our own mistakes, showing we are fallible, I think we give children the freedom to admit what their fears are, where they feel they have failed.
Although, as was said before me, I think you are an amazing and inspirational mother, and he is truly blessed to have you.
Our oldest Simon has a lot in common with Zeb. He is unhappy most of the time and never content just where he is, but he is unwilling to try new things to get out of it. We are also floundering in our attempts at how to handle this other than loving him. I am not much of a billboard person, but I sometimes get scared when I see the ones about depression as it makes me think of Simon and whether he will find his happiness.
In Frith,
Devin
Wow. So many amazing, reaffirming, wise words here. So many beautiful reminders; so much love.
It strikes me how much of this I know and do. And yet when I’m in the thick of things, I doubt myself. Or perhaps I doubt the process. Or maybe Brianna said it perfectly when she talked about expecting our kids to embrace this life and all its opportunities. It’s amazing me right now how many expectations we can let go of and yet still find that last one holding on.
I’ll definitely be coming back to these comments for some regular reminders.
He will feel things fully and that is amazing. Yes, he will be unhappy and when he is, he will be deeply unhappy. It may feel like a deep chasm that cannot be crossed. But the blessing of such a depth of emtion is the pure, unadulterated joy he will feel. There will be times that the joy is full and rich within his soul, it will feel as if the shell of his body can barely contain it.
Zeb was given to you because you are the right person to help guide him in this journey. Go with your heart. In embracing him fully, it will help you embrace yourself even more fully than you have before.
I don’t have an answer because I’m still trying to figure it out. My oldest son, who is 8, is an unhappy child often. We can provide him with material things, plenty of his own time, plenty of time with family and yet it never satisfies him. I’m always at a lost of what it is that he needs. I long for him to be truly happy and when he is, it’s often short lived.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your journey, it helps me to not feel alone but also gives me ideas to try at home.
you are doing an amazing job and he is very lucky to be in your family.
Nothing profound to add…just soaking up all these wise words shared by others. And, thanking you for creating a space for this exchange!
Much love to you!
you’ve just described me and my oldest son. i don’t think i have anything specific here to share and perhaps nothing helpful. i just take it as it comes. on the days when it’s just him “feeling the heaviness” we get through it and gracefully i might add. but when it’s both of us, wow!, i muddle my way thorugh as best i can.
along with feeling the heaviness we are also capable of seeing/feeling/touching infinite joy, light and beauty. so all in all, i consider it a gift.
Each of us has a “soft spot”: the place in our experience where we feel vulnerable and tender. This soft spot is inherent in appreciation and love, and it is equally inherent in pain.
Often, when we feel that soft spot, it’s quickly followed by a feeling of fear and an involuntary, habitual tendency to close down. This is the tendency of all living things: to avoid pain and cling to pleasure. In practice, however, covering up the soft spot means shutting down against out life experience. Then we tend to narrow down into a solid feeling of self against other.
By working on your own soft spot you can work enlighten your son as well. He is one way to help. http://www.acupuncturedoc.com/tonglen.htm
But the truth of the matter is is that even though there are teachings and practice techniques, still we have to find our own way. What does it mean not to resist? It’s a lifetime journey to find the answer to this question for your self. But there is a lot of support. Read in “Start Where You Are” by Pema Chodron.
Hey Tara,
I just popped in to check in on you, what a surprise to find a link… Thank you for this conversation, for your honesty, for your willingness to seek and listen.
Right now my process is about turning inward, clearing the way, so to speak, so there is more space for all of us, but especially for my kids. And, like Mon said, I try to trust the bigger picture… I am really really seeing how resistance is such a reflex for me and how it feeds into our interactions, and being able to see it can help minimize it, and then it is amazing to realize what can be(come) in that openness.
love,
s
[...] “never worked” and went on beating himself up for a bit. But just coming down from all your awesome comments and I finally felt reassured as to my part in his [...]
mmm. wow. reading your post, and then all the responses has filled me with reassurance that, clearly, I am not the only one with a child like that. I have an almost-eight-year-old daughter who sounds much like your Zeb. Thanks for sharing, and asking for help. The comments have already helped me, given me strategy and insight. I have been a silent read of yours for a bit now, and have to say, especially today, that I really enjoy your life’s story. Looking forward to reading more
Tara, I just wanted to write to say though i have no answers and am not in your exact situation, I do understand how you feel. I never grew up wanting to be a mama or even being around kids. so when husband and i decided to have one, i was a whole mix of emotions till the day he was born. now though he’s not even TWO, i find myself being afraid i’m going to fail my son in so many ways. too overprotective. not protective enough. too controlling. not enough control. will i teach him the right things. the wrong things. i find myself going to this ‘place’ often wondering how wrong i might do it! and its ridiculous that i torture myself like this haha. i just try to remind myself that none of us are perfect and i will strive to do the very best i can with him. the amount of love we feel for our children is so crazy intense and all consuming at times that its hard to not let it overwhelm. at least for me. anyway, i will stop babbling about myself ha. i just wanted to say that you aren’t alone in your feelings even tho our boys are so different in age. i think it comes from just wanting to be a good mom. so thats a very good sign:) lastly, i really liked how you’ve just been listening to him and hearing him by saying ‘i’m sorry you feel that way’ – i thought that was excellent. best of luck in all your adventures!!!
i read this awhile back and it resonated so deeply with me, so when i came upon re-reading it tonight, i thought i would comment… my old soul who carries the weight of the world on his shoulders 9.5 year old son sounds so much like yours, and i (very) often find myself with these same thoughts. like thinking why he is so sad and down when life is so good for him? why can’t he see the sunshine all around? i think i often inadvertently compare him to my upbringing and see how much better he has it, and cringe when there is that sense that he doesn’t appreciate it. his fullness scares me often, and i often think i can’t do enough as a parent to make it right for him, but then i remind myself that his path need not be “righted” but that i need to just allow it, that it is his path. and when i stand back in recognition of that, he always finds a way.
“parenting mindfully is difficult when you can’t get out of your own mind” – this is an amazing thought, and i will continue to follow your adventures and insight. thank you for your inspiration!