I’ve written several drafts on this subject to date but have yet found a way to voice my heart on the matter. My thoughts flit from one aspect to another assumption. I imagine the reactions and possible judgment I am told to expect. But more and more, my heart feels ready to slowly step forward.
For years now I’ve admired from afar anyone with the commitment to do what I’m about to do. As as often as a voice inside me would whisper a longing for a journey I didn’t understand, I timidly backed away from any foothill of such radical change.
But now, as I attempt to step more in tune with Source and Earth, I feel an undeniable pull toward something that seems silly to consider a “calling”. But I know it is a calling, and it’s one I’m no longer able nor want to ignore.
I’m going to dreadlock my hair. And the emotions that follow such a choice are nearly overwhelming. The fear of commitment, the excitement and anticipation and the anxiety over admitting this to loved ones create a haze around my thoughts.
Dreadlocks are a commitment to me. The more I research and learn the more I am beginning to understand exactly why I’m being pulled to this, and committing to the arduous journey of patience and acceptance that lie ahead of me is intimidating. My personality does not normally afford me this much time to think things through. When something appeals to me, I jump in head first and swim in the new choice, learning about it as I go. I’m not really much of a preparer, I guess you could say. And although hesitation doesn’t exactly fit my current mode, I feel this is bigger and deeper than most other decisions and deserves more careful traversing.
The excitement and anticipation; well that’s more closely to the real me trying to hold on until the urge to jump feels right. When I see another person with locks, I want so badly to say “Me too!”. When I walk into a store or ride my bike or talk politics, I want people to see that radical side of my personality. I love the idea of dreadlocks breaking down stereotypes. Because really, how many Libertarian-Republicans have dreadlocks? I want dreadlocks to show one more aspect of my hidden soul and force people to look beyond the outer shell to see the Person inside. I want to be a part of opening a person’s eyes and heart, helping others see their judgment and opening minds to the possibility of living outside the box.
And then comes the anxiety. I’m told to expect some negative reactions, from strangers on the street to loved ones who disagree. Justin is fully behind this journey. He understands where my heart is and fully supports this choice. He’s even looking forward to it and is sweet enough to say he thinks it’ll be sexy. But my real fear lies with my family members or friends. I do have great people in my life and am sure most will support me (after a season of initial reaction). But the worry is still there. Most of our family gets great pleasure over relentlessly teasing a person. It’s always in good fun and usually their way of showing support. But my choice to do this feels deeper than superficial mocking will allow and that is something I hope they’ll understand.
This is something I will do. I’ve decided to wait for my bangs to grow longer and in the meantime am preparing for what I may encounter in this atypical choice. After spending some time meditating on this I feel as though Source has begun to show me more of the purpose behind it. “Patience” keeps reverberating through my ears, as does the release of judgment. But as to what will actually surface, only time will tell.