A few days ago it dawned on me quite suddenly that within six months time I would finally be leaving Las Vegas. By that time I will be 28 years old and will have spent nearly all my life (except for a brief stint as a toddler and a handful of vacations) in this city, born and raised and never having escaped. I was so struck by elation at this thought, I was brimming with tears.
To everyone that loves Las Vegas, bless you. I’m so happy that you are where you love to be (or will hopefully be here soon?).
But Las Vegas is not for me. Not the heat, the 4 inches of rain, the lack of community resources, the billboards of half nekked woman, the smoky casinos, the dry, dead surroundings. And the only green thing (an occasional grassy yard) is more of an insult to our drought than a source of comfort.
Oh, the possibilities! The things we will see and experience. The people we will meet! The exploring of communities and landscapes and hopefully, the realization of the perfect place for us. Living in a small space, downsizing, simplifying, letting go of our attachment to “stuff” in the meantime is all exciting, exhilarating, appreciated.
Overall, I am really, truly, overwhelmingly ecstatic to be moving.
Except for this moment right now.
In this moment right now, I’m really, truly, overwhelmed by fear and sadness.
It started when I saw this photo from A Sonoma Garden and I thought to myself how beautiful it was and how great the same grape arbor would look along the side of our house in the backyard. And then I realized we wouldn’t be here long enough to watch it grow.
And that’s when it hit me. I’m not afraid to leave Las Vegas. I’m not afraid to leave behind the family and friends we love.
I’m afraid to leave my home. *My* home. The place we’ve worked so hard on, were still working hard on and have now ceased work on. The garden that is still years away from what we dreamed it would be.
I’m letting go of the dream I had of creating this place into something wonderful – an oasis in the middle of barren suburbia - and although we will have the opportunity to start over, we’ll be starting ALL over. From square one. Not debt-free as we had planned. Not starting where we are now. We’re going backwards. And after selling much of what we own, we’ll be going there with almost nothing. Liberating, yes. But depending on the state of the economy and oil prices, perhaps having so little to our name is not such a good thing.
And then there is the environmental factor. Yes, we’ll be solar powered and running on waste veggie oil which emits 50% less emissions, but we’ll still be driving around the country like tourists, eco or not. We won’t be growing our food or buying in bulk. Will our smaller lifestyle be more or less taxing on the environment than how we live now?
Not to mention this leaves out moving away from our only place of familiarity and a system of support. I have no idea how to start over without the support of family. We will – for the first time in our lives - really and truly be on our own. And have I mentioned that Zeb and I are home-bodies, creatures of habit? We like to follow our routine, we like to retreat to quiet rooms to be alone, we like privacy. How will all of that work out in a 22 foot motorhome?
I want to tap into that excitement again right now. To remember how much we are broadening our horizons, how many more ideas we’ll walk away with and knowledge we’ll accumulate. To remember that we’ve never felt like Las Vegas was our home and this is our chance to find what we feel is missing.
I realize we’ll find a place we love, a home where we can do all this and more, a community that supports our ideals. I realize we’ll be making so many more friends as we travel and eventually settle back in.
But right now I’m overwhelmed. I didn’t expect to face these things for a few more years. But now it’s finally hitting me and we haven’t even started packing. Will I be able to do this? Or are we crazy to even consider it?
My name is Tara. I am a mama and a lover, a full-time nomad, a passionate devourer of Life and an Organic Life Coach.
Change is so exciting and so scary. I think its ok to let go of one dream in search of another and I think if that didn’t scare you just a little bit you might want to look at it a bit closer. Of course, you’ll be able to do it because you still have your family – your hubby and your son – with you.
I think it’s awesome! But, like you, I would be reluctant to leave your home. I am a homebody too, and we’ve been kicking around moving and what’s keeping me here is what you said- the fact that we’ve put blood, sweat, and tears into making this home. This is MY house and I hate to think of someone else living in it. I also dream of buying an RV and just going wherever. It’s a double edged sword. ((HUGS))
When you find the perfect, for you, place and settle in to start doing what you have been dreaming about doing, it will all be worth it. Look at the RV stage as just a means to an end to find that place, not an end unto itself. I’m sure that the energy you will use in an RV is way less than what you use in a house, communting to work, etc.
Oh, awesome picture! I love the streaks of light from the planes on final into McCarren!
“In long-range planning for a trip, I think there is a private conviction that it won’t happen. As the day approached, my warm bed and comfortable house grew increasingly desirable and my dear wife incalculably precious. To give these up for three months for the terrors of the uncomfortable and unknown seemed crazy. I didn’t want to go. Something had to happen to forbid my going, but it didn’t.”
That’s a quote from my favorite book, “Travels with Charley” by John Steinbeck. He wrote that about his feelings the night before heading out in his RV for three months. You have to read it!
I think all the feelings you’re going through are normal. It can be scary and exciting and uncertain. I think you guys are making a great choice for YOU GUYS… it wouldn’t work for everybody, much in the same way as you’ve made a lot of choices about your lifestyle, parenting, unschooling Zeb, etc… go with your gut and good things will happen. Yah, it’ll be stressful at times, but I am living proof that a kid living in a motorhome can have privacy and space. We lived in a 24 ft Champion for 5 years when I was a kid and I have nothing but fond memories of that time. Not sure if my mom would say the same, but you know what I mean.
Our kids used to say they were like turtles – travelling around with their house on their back. They say now that they always felt grounded no matter where they lived.
Go ahead and grieve. So that you can *then* take who you are, all your great ideas, and your experience and make another *home* somewhere else. And then a few more times, probably.
What a grand adventure you’ve begun. Of course you’re a little crazy; all brilliant people are.
You know WA and OR are awesome states…as a matter of fact from what little I know you I bet the Portland area would be a great fit! Just thinking out loud…
Having been born and raised here in Washington I have no idea what you are going through…I hope you find great adventures wherever you land! Kim
Nothing is forever. You guys are young and if you didn’t do this it would constantly hang over your head whether you should or not. I think you are being realistic about the money- it’s going to be tough. I had times when I had to sparechange. I started a grand adventure in a bus we fixed up for months – we were going from Florida to Oregon and the bus never made it out of Florida but we changed plans and you know what? That was one of the best things I ever did in my life. Even though I’m suburban domesticated now, that period out on the road still resonates with me. Just do it. Nothing is forever and you will have an amazing life experience for maybe a few months maybe a couple years.
Hey, I’ve never commented before, but I’ve been following you writing for some time. This post struck a chord, not because I’ve had the pleasure of building a home as I’d like it, but because my family was recently uprooted.
I lived in Utah for seven years and hated every minute of it – until the last year, when I finally came out of my shell and found my tribe. We moved to Northern California so my partner could work at the Waldorf school, and it was such a good move for us. But it was also so terribly hard to leave those friends and to abandon what was so hard to develop in the first place, to start all over when it’s so difficult for me to become settled.
Your family is so lovely and resilient and I know you will come through this stronger and more enlightened and connected than you already obviously are. I look forward to reading about your adventures.
I agree with farmer!! I could totally see you in portland (eugene too)… and remember!!! This place that you are in NOW might not be where you are “IN ___” years. I can totally relate to what you are feeling. Maybe not to the extreme that you are at right now, but I can relate. I really hope to see you here in Oregon, even if it’s just for a visit!! Don’t forget. Think outside the box. There are ways to keep some of the things you hold dear. (maybe a tent for Zeb to have a place to go)
Thank you for posting this.
It resonates with some of the thoughts I have been having lately but was trying to repress. We are hunting for a school bus to fix up as a motorhome and we will be leaving our *home* soon and that is a hard thing to do.
Yes, there is a lot of excitement but also grieving… it is just the way it goes. I admire you for feeling this right now and pondering it for a while… because I am the kind of girl who will stay in denial for ever. I am leaving my beloved home. You forced me to look at the situation like it is… This is all part of the process.
Thank you. I am looking forward to *share* this preparation time with you. I will be reading… and packing…
We can do this!
We all need to say goodbye to dreams and hopes. Some require a quick wave others actual grieving. If we hold back – in the guilt that we SHOULD be thinking positively – we leave the past unresolved.
what you’re feeling is totally normal. change is exciting at one moment and scary the next.
Oh, funny, I got on here to say the exact same words as Alisha above me…”what you’re feeling is totally normal”–jinx, I guess!
We’ve been there, done that. At one point we took a huge risk, cut our income in half and moved to a new place. It was great and hard at the same time. It taught us a lot about our selves, it wasn’t permanent, and it led to better things. It led to where we are now, which is a wonderful place with “just enough” for now.
Being in the RV, it will be home because it’s where your family is. It may or may not be permanent, but I bet it leads to better things…
Our own adventures have taught me tht change always comes with sacrifice. You give something up, you get something in return. It’s good to understand what we’re giving up in order to let it go and move forward; in order to come to peace with our decisions.
(hugs)
I am going to echo everyone else and say it sounds like the natural process of facing change. You’re getting know all you’re letting go.
Someone said this to me the other day: Listen deeply. You will know when you find the right place.
Blessings,
Stacy
Also, I don’t know this for sure, but I’ve heard around that Corvallis, OR has a huge unschooling community. Honestly, the town itself isn’t a place I’d want to live, but I’ve only been there once and I’m way picky. Maybe you’d find something halfway between Portland and there? Or live in Portland and tap into the resources in Corvallis, which isn’t catastrophically far away? And hey… if your roadtrip leads you to visiting folks, we’d love to have you swing by Port Townsend, WA.
Wow. Thank you guys for all the encouragement. You have no idea how much it means.
Tara, I remember being at a crossroads nearly eight years ago. Should I stay in Utah (which I hated but had certain opportunities) or move to Oregon (where I had nothing but family). A little opposite than your situation, I suppose. Moving to a new life really opened up my mind. I am certain that you will discover so many new things about yourself, and have a clearer picture of your life and what is important to you. (Well, you seem to have a clear picture of that already, but really, uprooting yourself does wonders for the soul.)
Come to Oregon! I don’t know about Corvallis, but Portland has an unschooling community, too. Oh, I love it here. But I suppose you have to go where the work is…It’s funny that someone else said it already, because I think you would like Portland, too. Anyway, you are welcome to come visit us if you are ever in our neck of the woods!
As a former Oregonian (still an Oregonian in my heart), I KNOW you would love it there. Portland is a beautiful small city. You would also enjoy Ashland…the summers are a bit warmer and winters colder down there. I have tons of family in Southern Oregon, so I would come to visit you there;)
Tara…
For every door that closes ones opens.
Nothing is permanent nor forever.
We too took off for the unknown while in our twenties–leaving behind all our family, longtime friends and our first home where our second child was literally born. We had no savings…only the promise of a job that we weren’t even sure my husband would like.
We were scared however it drew us closer—we swear now it’s the best thing that ever happened to us (we’ve been married 20 yrs) though I can’t say it was always easy depending on just us. We’ve moved numerous times now. Each home is different but each is special. We’ve gardened and lived sustainable in each place, had our kids in public school and homeschooled. We’ve met loads of interesting (and not so interesting people) and overall enjoyed each place. Some more than others. Will we stay here? Not sure—but we’ve always had each other and our kids so it makes it easier to stay or leave.
I promise some day you will look back and think it didn’t turn out so bad. And truthfully…you seem like a person who thinks outside the box and lands on her feet…I am sure you will never regret it. Up close it is scary…with years you look back and think your glad you ended up doing what you did.
Besides you’ll have FABULOUS stories to tell people when your older
Have you read Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller? I read it when i was leaving home a few years ago. It’s not a great book, but it is great to read during such a transition.
First off, I just want to say that you sure have a wise bunch of blog readers!
I read through all the comments, and pretty much everything I was going to say has been said. But I will just reach out my hand to you across the proverbial miles and give it a little squeeze 
I can relate. I’ve done this letting go things A LOT in the past couple of years and honestly, it’s still hard. You will grieve. You will cry a bit. And then, you will be so full of excitement, that you think you might burst! And then out of nowhere, you’ll be sad again for awhile. It’s all normal. I agree with what Leah said about changes requiring sacrifice. We are choosing to sacrifice stability, routine, and a delightful little house for adventure, randomness, and another delightful little house. Focus on all the positive that you can….and remember that life is short. You will NEVER EVER regret what you are embarking upon right now. You will be forever changed. xxoo
I’ve been meaning to get back here to comment on this post, but then found that everyone else has said stuff that I would have said. So I won’t bother…ooops, I just did, oh well. I will just add that you don’t HAVE to do this. If ever you feel doubt, remind yourself of that. It relieves a lot of the stress and then you’ll find that you tell yourself about all the reasons why you are CHOOSING to do this. love and hugs, Annette
I do agree with everyone. One thing that I ask myself anytime I am facing something or am afraid in a situation is “What is the worst that could happen?”. I literally play out in my mind the worst case scenario. What is the worst case scenario for you? When my hubby was facing a job loss, I immediately felt afraid but when I truly thought about it, I realized that the worst case scenario was that we would have to live on welfare for a while or possibly some credit card debt. Thakfully, those things didn’t happen but it did bring comfort that I knew we would be okay.
I think it’s great that ya’ll are setting out on the road. Take full advantage of it!
Oh, I also heard a quote that would be appropriate “I started out with nothing and now I have most of it left.”
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain
That is the tagline of my emails. It’s true. I’ve lived in a tent, a trailer (two actually), a treehouse, numerous apartments and houses. If I regret anything it’s not spending more time “away from reality”. I have been thinking a lot about what Sara said in a Walk Slowly post – *you can always settle down, travel while you can.* Be that for a day, a weekend, a month or years. Enjoy your adventures, they make for great memories.
Hey there,
We have never met nor exchanged emails but I have been following your blog for some time. Good luck with all your adventures and if you ever need anything in the San Diego area shoot me an email, our family would love to support you anyway we can.