Evicted (and moving through it)

There is a reason I’m a writer. It’s how I process and understand where I am and Who I Am and what’s going on. I write not because I already have all the answers (although I do believe we all always have our own answers when we’re ready for them), but to find the answers in my heart.

I know myself. I know that I will be stuck until I have two things: a platform to express and the validation that Where I Am is okay. This blog gives me the first; my husband and all of your deep, thoughtful and soul-dripping comments give me the second.

There are times when we need to mope and be in the thick of it (we can’t get through it without going through it). It’s where I’ve been the past few days. Then there are times when Life snorts at your experience and throws another into the mix and you have little choice but to roll with it.

Yes, just less than 24 hours after the first blow, we were dealt another. And again, in reality, it’s not a really big deal. But when you’re already neck-deep in yuck, it sure feels like a kick in the teeth.

Yesterday we got a notice that we are not allowed to park Benny in front of my parent’s house. We had 72 hours to move. 72 hours to do what we wanted another two weeks to accomplish.

Oh trust me, I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry and throw a fit and curse the neighbor who complained. But I kept my composure…there were people present after all. Instead, I acquiesced to the moment, scraped my heart off the floor and allowed the experience to propel me.

Movement through madness is a healing salve.

As your kind words poured in, we packed up our household and moved it all into my parent’s garage. As your comments brought me to tears, we moved our clothing into their spare room. As I absorbed your love and your Truth, we got Benny ready to move - without us.

Moving Out

Moving In

I felt a little like a person getting ready to take her dog to the pound. Guilty and apologetic and tearful. We are attached after all, Benny and I. He’s my Dream-maker, my first liberator, and moving on from that grips at my chest.

Last night, with Zeb at a sleepover with his Gramma, Justin and I slept in Benny for the last time. And as we laughed and reminisced, in my heart I started to let go of my fear.

With the threat of entrapment still lingering over my dreams, watching Benny lumbering behind me down the road and leaving him behind at my father-in-law’s home for the time being took a lot of deep breaths. It was scary. On one hand it’s a necessary step. In order to get the new rig, we have to let the old one go.

Rear View Benny

Leaving Benny Behind

But in letting Benny go I was relinquishing my freedom. For awhile at least, I have no means of escape. He’s my last tangible tie to life on the road. And that, my friends, takes a large heaping of Trust.

I’m breathing deep. I’m trusting my dreams are real and valid and happening. I’m trusting our perseverance and ingenuity to keep us from stagnancy in this place we so badly don’t want to be. I’m (just barely, mostly unwillingly, hardly contentedly) trusting the timing of it all. And I’m trusting we are loved and not alone in this, too. I’m not alone in this.

Alone is a scary place to be. But I know it’s a place I choose. I push companionship away when I hurt. I hurt myself deeper, really. But I am loved and blessed. Justin knows me. He knows to hold me when I tell him I want to be alone. He gives me the space to Be and the space to grow, a space that just happens to be within his arms. And my once battered heart is reminded again that it’s a safe place to be.

Life is challenging me, offering a long-avoided opportunity to heal. It’s requesting I stretch in order to grow. These are my growing pains. This is my growth spurt. As hard as it is to say at times, I know this place is good.

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25 Comments. Leave new

anotherkindofdrew
October 21, 2010 6:16 am

This paragraph, “Life is challenging me, offering a long-avoided opportunity to heal. It’s requesting I stretch in order to grow. These are my growing pains. This is my growth spurt. As hard as it is to say at times, I know this place is good.” is, to me, why you are a writer. I needed to hear this this morning and from your pen the words flowed. Thank you Tara for committing your thoughts to paper, as it were. We are all out here pulling for you as I know you and Justin have pulled for us!

Oh, Tara! I can’t imagine what you guys must be feeling and going through right now, especially in your mind and heart. So sad to let Benny go! I remember when we moved from our old house that we DID NOT WANT anymore – it was too small, confining, set up all wrong for our family, a PAIN to maintain – but when we drove away it felt like all the memories we had made there were being left behind too, and my heart ached. I definitely cried. Even if it wasn’t what we really wanted, it had been our home. Praying for you guys and knowing it will get better soon!

Although your ties to the road are stalled just for little bit–you will be okay. I was looking through Sara’s dread photos yesterday and I saw all your Vegas friends, you are blessed Tara. I know you will be on the road and I think if you just embrace hanging out at home for free– you can have a wonderful time. I think it’s awesome you get to be home for the holidays and you won’t have to drive too far to be with them.

I loved Benny too and now because of you guys, I spot Benny look-a-likes everywhere. I can’t wait until you get your new RV and we get to see each other on the road. Maybe your breaks in traveling is because I’m east and your west and some how, someday we will meet in the middle. :)

i can’t even imagine how hard this is for you…i hope you find some peace and blessings through this all…thanks for sharing your journey with us!

Amy @ Six Flower Mom
October 21, 2010 8:18 am

My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. I think we are all challenged and we find ways to move through, thanks for sharing your challenges, it is inspiring for us who are also faced with challenges!

Yes, you have to let the old go in order to make space for the new. Bless the neighbors who complained, for they offerred you the push you needed to make this very important step. Sad, but exciting, too, no? I can’t wait to see your new fifth wheel. It must be coming to you very soon!!!

in one month, my 2nd friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and a 3rd has died. reading your blog, i want to comment that though your disappointments and challenges are real, it’s important to keep a balance in your perspective. these things will pass for you – and they are not life threatening to you or your loved ones. remember that as you continue to breathe in and to breathe out. you have a world of things to be grateful for.

rachel whetzel
October 21, 2010 9:41 am

LOVE and HUGS!! Here’s to moving forward, and getting ready for NEW!

As I read your words today, tears fill my eyes for you. It is so hard when we know HOW we want our life to look and it just isn’t going right. It is so hard to trust that it all works out for the best in the end. I vicariously live through you. I’m an artist stuck in my home town unable to just be an artist which is all I have ever wanted. I don’t want to leave this sweet town and travel I love everything I have here. What I want is to not have fear to take the leap. I want to have the time to create because if I had the time, then I could do it and be successful in it. Like you, I know this about myself, but I am paralyzed by fear. I am so proud of you for taking the leap in the first place. THAT in and of itself is HUGE something you will always have no matter what happens and my sense is that all this is leading to something really profound and when you get to take that leap again, it’s going to be even better. I see that you are a mover and a shaker and that you don’t let life take you by the lead and jerk you around – you maintain some control over your life even when it doesn’t feel like it. Stay strong, Tara, be in this moment, and wallow if you need to, just don’t loose focus on what you want – DON’T ACCEPT LESS THAN YOUR DREAMS. MANIFEST your DESTINY as you inspire the rest of us to do the same.

Lisa from Visionary Mom
October 21, 2010 10:44 am

you are amazing. spilling your guts to get to the other side. so freaking awesome! keep doing it.. keep breathing and YES! You are loved. xo

Wonderful comments so far!!!! Yes, out with the old and in with the new :)) I have been where you are, and I can relate to all that you are feeling. I’m excited about your journey and love even the thicks of it ;)

Warmly <3

Asking that you find everything you need in each moment, moment to moment, and that your head be clear, your heart strong, and your spirit joyous in meeting these challenges.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you that I think you are so courageous! I recently stumbled upon your blog and while I don’t choose the same path as you, I find it extremely brave of you to do so! I don’t feel a call to live on the road but I don’t know if I could if I did. I, too, am TRYing to follow my hearts and my dream and to dare to do what seems crazy for no apparent reason. And it inspires me to see you doing it (I see this as a temporary setback)…and I know the fear that if something bad happens while you’re trying to pursue your dreams, maybe it wasn’t meant to be or maybe the Universe (or God or whatever) doesn’t want you doing this or maybe it was sooo hard to do this the first time, how on Earth am I going to do it again?? I get that…and maybe that’s why some of my dreams are still just dreams. I have a fortune from a fortune cookie on my desk at work. It says “Big journeys begin with a single step.” I got it right before I re-enrolled in college and I’m a senior as of this Spring. And I just have to tell you the other fortune I have taped on my desk that I got a year or two later. It says “Opportunity knocks on your door every day-answer it.”

I also have to say that my husband and I live in a city we desperately want to leave. My (step)daughter lives here though and we can’t leave her (our hearts won’t let us) until she’s grown enough to be following her own path rather than depending on us and her mother. So we are trying to make the best of it. We have plugged into the whole counter culture/underground culture thing and now have friends who are weird (you know, care about the environment, believe there is more than one way to God, try to be compassionate in everything, maybe don’t eat meat kind of weird) like us! It’s not easy but it can be done!

*Hugs* from a new reader!

(((Big, Big Hugs))) Tara this is an intense time for you right now. Keep going, believing, trusting. Remember how far you’ve come already. Your in my heart and prayers.

You know that old saying that when it rains it pours? Maybe so, but damn the sunshine looks better after :)

Man, that stinks to leave Benny.
But, as you say, and it is true, you are growing.
What a growing pain.
Blessings to you on your journey.
Here’s to getting all the ‘minerals’, or ingredients in your life, you need to grow without as much pain!
Good for you for going through what you have to go through, it is a good reminder to not ignore my emotions and my pain.
Thanks for sharing your adventure, you and your family are a constant inspiration to my family and I.

sorry to hear the neighbors are such fussy butts. i hope you are reunited and back on the road soon. hang in there, there’s always a silver lining.

Rebecca Burgener
October 21, 2010 6:13 pm

Sometimes letting go of old friends is sadly necessary. You’re not abandoning Benny for bigger and better. You’re just moving on, and he is too.

As Phoenix would say it… “Oh geez!”

It’s like selling a house. Just smaller. We’ve sold two houses and each time has been so bittersweet. Lots of memories are made in the places we sleep in. It will be just as hard to leave this home even though we are only renting.

I hope Benny finds a nice family so he can make more memories. :-)

(((hugs)))

I feel like we are hugging each other a lot lately. :-)

Oh Tara! This sounds terribly heart breaking. One door closing and another opening surely? I can understand the transition into accepting something else and the not knowing what that something else may be. It’s a hard time but it’s super you have so much support and have created that for yourself. All the very best to you. x0x

My thoughts and kind energy are with you. I know that things are going to work out for you and your family.

Oh Benny! I’m emotionally attached to Benny so I can only imagine how you are feeling. I get very nostalgic at times like these and sometimes the emotions are just so big and raw. That’s okay. It’s part of the way life is big and beautiful.

Thinking of you and trusting the process.

Just thinking you strength and happy thoughts, love. I don’t have any wisdom, but hang in there.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I believe that we often move past any unpleasant feelings very quickly, which in reality, we need to spend some time with them.

I wish you peace and comfort during this time, and like you said, life is an ebb and flow; nothing is permanent.

Blessings,
Katie

Hip Mountain Mama
October 23, 2010 4:11 pm

Thinking of you sweet mama!

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