If anyone placed their money on “the toilet” breaking next, you won!

We had hopes of hitting Tucson early enough to meet some local unschoolers. But a smelly leaking toilet doesn’t let you get far. Instead we spent the morning sniffing sewage and laughing hysterically as one thing after another happened. (A sopping Justin wrangling a rouge water hose was the highlight of the morning. But really, must it always be water-related?!)

Tonight we’re boondocking in the desert and I’m hoping the clouds will clear long enough for me to get a clear view of the most stars I’ve ever seen. As soon as we pulled onto BLM land and found our spot amongst the other travelers, we felt at home. There is something magical about the self-reliance of needing nothing but an open spot to park, something enjoyable about the quiet and seclusion…something laughable about it all – the stars, the hooting owl, the peace – being free of charge.

Zeb is doing really wonderful on the road, building fires, making jokes and playing games. I’m still struggling with feeling overwhelmed, but I must say my husband is amazing. He reaches for my hand as we’re driving to calm my nerves. He takes a time out to hug (and re-energize) me. And as we pulled up tonight he suggested I go for a walk with my camera to center myself. It’s always just what I need.

I have no idea how to start this post, other than to say it’s all catching up to me. I’ve been tired and sluggish since we arrived and am so thankful we’re staying with friends while we all acclimate. No plans, no sightseeing; just hanging out. It’s a nice way to ease ourselves into things. (We’ve all been catching up on sleep and making our way back to eating Real Food; we’ve been eating lots of bad fats and not enough good fats and fresh veggies lately. I think Justin and I will be restarting our cleanse soon and I’m going to assist the process with a green smoothie fast.)

Friday morning Zeb fell asleep before we left, so we moved him to the RV and let him continue sleeping. He woke up around Kingman, immediately went to the map and found our location, as well as our destination and figured out our estimated arrival time. He spent the next couple hours, sitting and watching the scenery out the window, never once feeling bored.

Of any “life learning” moments, those quiet ones feel the biggest. When a person has the time and inclination to just sit and think, amazing things emerge: thoughts and ideas, questions and most importantly, processing. I was happy to see Zeb enjoying the ride and curious what was passing through his mind.

Friday and Saturday were both beautiful and warm. We’ve spent time at the park, splashed in the residual puddles, rode bikes, ate homemade tacos, played Wii and watched the highly-debated Radical Parents on DVR. (I thought the families were great, but the “experts” could have done a bit more research before pushing the same outdated stereotypes and misinformation.)

The rain has been coming down hard since last night; so hard in fact we’ve found two leaking windows. (Ahem. For the record, I had suggested resealing the windows when we did the roof.) On top of that, our water pump stopped working.

But somewhere around the time two people are balancing on a narrow hitch in pouring down rain with a giant umbrella over their heads threatening to blow away, trying to dry a window so that they can duct tape a trash bag to it to give the silicone sealant a chance to dry underneath and they get a whiff of a black water tank that needs emptying, you realize you can do nothing but laugh at yourself. Ah, the joys of vintage wheels.

Thank goodness for neighbors in need of a massage for the exact price of the pump and friends willing to give us a ride to the nearest RV store.

I’m beginning to think I could make some extra money by taking bets on what Benny will do (or not do) next.

We were planning to head out tomorrow, passing through the Petrified Forest and ending up in Albuquerque the day after, but with the rain and snow, we’ll be playing it all by ear.

Photo credit: Sara Janssen

“The open road is a beckoning, a strangeness, a place where a man can lose himself.” – William Least Heat Moon

First stop: Phoenix!

Saying goodbye to the Life Learners just plain sucked. We’ve been with our local unschooling group for three years and although it’s members have come and gone, it’s still our place of refuge. Our entire week revolves around Wednesday when we pack our things and spend half our day at the park. What may look like play or relaxation is really so much more. It’s our community.

Multi-age, dual-gender, parents invited Life Learner sleepover.

For Zeb, it’s a menagerie of friends from toddling babes to teenagers. It’s a safe place to be goofy, express a new interest or play with a 4 year old without fear of judgment. It’s his opportunity to try on new “hats” within the embrace of people who will still accept him after a bad day or bad choice. Over the years the Life Learners have given him the liberty to deschool on his own terms, to dye his hair blue, to shun the group and come back again. They’ve introduced him to multi-aged dynamics and authentic interactions with both genders, as well as new favorite games and interests. My heart warms when I see that he’s touched their lives as much as they’ve touched his.

Big hugs for smaller friends.

For me, the Life Learners have been my world. I remember my own trepidation in joining, still feeling unsure about my place in it all. We arrived at the park and were welcomed with open arms. I sat quietly taking it all in: the happy kids opening their tribe to Zeb, the tender interactions between child and adult, and possibly most importantly, the community the parents had made with each other. I had never seen anything like it and it was such an inspiration. Fast forward three years, and even as the group moderator, I still rely on them for my weekly dose of recharge. Being around parents all striving for what we strive for ourselves – a better way to do things, a respectful relationship built on trust, a fun and joyful life experience – it changes your life. I can’t imagine parenting without such a community anymore.

It’s always a beautiful day with friends.

Validation, love, laughter, good conversation…and especially acceptance. The feeling of complete and loving acceptance. It’s unlike anything else. Only by being accepted for Who You Are in this exact moment can you be inspired to want to grow or learn. The Life Learners gave us that. A safe place to Be as we Become.

Just some of the Life Learners we are blessed to call friends.

As we were leaving our last park day today I insisted I wasn’t going to cry. But just as I turned my back I changed my mind. It’s hard to let go of such a safe place and such beautiful people. Zeb and I drove home hand-in-hand with breaking hearts as we talked about our favorite Life Learner memories, each one of our beloved friends and how great it would be if they would just travel with us.

The Organic Sister – Going Away Party from Sara Janssen on Vimeo.

And this is the video tour I linked in the last one:

A Tour of Benny The Brave from Sara Janssen on Vimeo.

After seeing all the fun she has with hers, I think we need a camcorder!

Thanks again for everything Sara!

Another big round of goodbyes yesterday. My mom threw us a Bon Voyage party and it was wonderful to spend the day with family and friends (especially when the Life Learners hang out late, as we always do).

There were so many hiccups in the plans, it began to feel as if it simply weren’t going to happen. But I managed to only need one deep breath before I could let go of the expectations of perfection. Family in the hospital, sick babies and plenty of rain. But it was all so great to eat (the coolest cake ever!) and chat and take photos with the people we love.

Photo Credit: Sara Janssen

My parents gifted Justin with a GPS! He is super excited and has loved directing me to every location we already know. It’s going to be very helpful in finding nearby Chinese restaurants when we need a fill-up!

They also gave us a travel journal. Everyone signed their well wishes and we intend to take it with us to collect the words of everyone we meet.

We still have odds and ends to finish up in the next few days and a giant Life Learners sleepover to plan for Tuesday. This certainly wasn’t the last of our goodbyes since we’re definitely not leaving on Monday. It looks like Wednesday or Thursday now.

Our first stop will be Tracey’s home in Phoenix to visit and play. Then Albuquerque…a very cool unschooling family is allowing us to intern on their organic farm! Fun!!

Friday was a grand, grand day. That’s because it marked the 11th hour completion of Benny’s straight veggie oil conversion! Our greened-out RV now runs on waste vegetable oil, available for free from neighborhood restaurants and we couldn’t be more ecstatic.

Justin has been working with Matt Janssen on the conversion, learning tons and having a blast. It took much longer than any of us anticipated but it was well worth the wait. Not only should we be able to acquire the grease for free, but it feels good burning something that could otherwise go to waste, as well as something that creates less carbon than regular diesel. (I’ll save the knitty-gritty details of the conversion for Justin to blog as soon as he’s caught up on sleep and decompressed from the craziness a bit.)

It’s amazing how Joy can pour out of you – after hearing the news that the RV was running, and as I’m driving down the freeway with a giant grin on my face, I realized what this conversion symbolized for me.

Freedom! NOW it feels real!

And as soon as I realized This Is It I found myself with tears streaming down my face as I laughed and laughed and laughed. This is what Joy feels like; this is Freedom at it’s best! Who knew it would smell like Kung Pow Chicken?!

We’ve thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with Sara and Matt and their girls throughout the month. They joined us for our unschooling park days, brought us dinner while we packed and even stayed around for our farewell party today. Sara even video toured the RV! Matt and Justin and Sara and I are so much alike in so many ways; it made for some amazing connections that we can only hope to develop more in the future. We had a blast and can’t wait to see them again on the road (if everything works according to plan, Sara and I may be planning something very cool, very soon).

There’s some other really, super cool news to go along with all this grease, but I’ll have to save that for Justin to share as well.

One of my closest friends is also the mom of one of Zeb’s closest friends and when we went to pick Zeb up from their sleepover, we did our best to say goodbye to Elizabeth before she heads out of town tomorrow. She was one of the first real-life unschooling moms I met and her gentle, affirming interactions with her son helped propel my embrace of unschooling. She is an amazing, open and authentic person and her approach to life is so mindful and inspiring. She is always the person I call when I need someone to truly hear me but she has an amazing way of helping me see things clearer, as well. Never judgmental, always thoughtful and always in my heart. I love you, Elizabeth.

Then we got news that Zeb’s very best friend won’t be able to see Zeb before we go. It broke my heart to tell Zeb and it crushed him when I couldn’t offer an explanation. His friend will be sorely missed.

Then it was time to send off my grandparents. They have a one-way ticket and their sister’s estate to care for and as much as we all wish Death could work around our schedules, it’s never quite that convenient. While we are hoping to remain in Vegas until they return, we didn’t want to risk missing them and so we helped send them off tonight. It was very difficult to feel rushed; my grandma and I held each other for as long as we could hold back tears. I can’t describe how difficult it is to feel as if I’m losing any time with them at all and yet not have the time I’d like to really say goodbye see you soon.

The goodbyes are the worst part and this is only the beginning. Justin has a breakfast date with his dad tomorrow, we still have a going away party on Saturday and we’re planning a Life Learner sleepover on Sunday. I’m sure every one of those events will be difficult in its own way.

I’m so ready to leave Las Vegas, I just don’t know how to leave the people I love.

It wasn’t all sad news today, however. Justin received the veggie oil tank a day early and they will begin the final steps of the install tomorrow (if only he had time to keep up with his blog!). I got a wonderful, albeit also bittersweet, email from a friend and former client whom I hope to see this weekend (why we were never closer or found more time to hang out, I’m not sure). And now Zeb and I have our vintage suitcase packed with a few days worth of belongings and are spending the time at my mom’s.

And the days keep counting down…

When your needs are met it is easier to meet your child’s needs, too. What needs – yours and your child’s – aren’t currently being met as well as you would like?

It then went on to suggest making a list of our needs and simple, inexpensive ways to meet those needs right now.

There are a lot of things we need right now that we aren’t getting: down time/processing time, time spent together, healthier food, an unchanging plan, a bit more “simplicity”. We’re rushing around trying to get everything down by a date we chose and driving ourselves mad in the meantime.

Yesterday was my breaking point and several things have happened since to confirm what I didn’t want to hear.

First, we have a ton to do in the house and the RV and unless I suddenly get an unsuspected surge of healing energy, it just ain’t gonna happen in three days. Second, the tank for the veggie conversion will not be here until Friday, which means Benny will be lucky to make his own going away party on Saturday. Third, Zeb had a total meltdown last night over a spilled glass of water and I was so emotionally drained it was a serious struggle to be present and helpful with him and that is NOT how I want to start this adventure.

Next, in my inbox this morning was this horrible, hideous picture of me from Sara (not horrible because she took it; she did the best she could given the circumstances!) and a note:

Here is the photo I took today…you look weary, tired, beat And yet, still beautiful! I wanted to just send it to you for your records. So you can remember. That you got rid of all your possessions…and you survived.

Looking at this and reading what she wrote made me realize I’m practically killing myself to get out of Vegas by Monday. And for what? No matter when we leave, these last few days will fly by. A couple extra days will go by in a blink, too. Why the rush? (I know why: I’m excited to shake the dust of this town off my feet and finally feel as if I’m living Authentically. I want to go!)

Then, I woke up this morning to a message that my grandfather’s sister has passed away (I didn’t know her) and my Grandma and Grandpa are leaving town today and won’t be able to say goodbye if we leave on Monday. And that pretty much confirms it; we aren’t leaving until I get time to properly say goodbye to my grandparents.

I may not be able to meet every need of ours right now, but the simple act of slowing down and letting go of this arbitrary deadline will enable me to meet quite a few.

So, there you have it. I’m (re)learning to let go. I have no idea when we’ll leave and I may not like that fact, but it is what it is. I am NOT in control of everything. And I don’t want to control it at the risk of blocking opportunities trying to come our way. That is not what this journey is about for me. And I can’t remain open to what it is about if I’m stressing over something like this.

I lost it yesterday. We were trying to pack up the weekend leftovers and searching out the remnants of our keepers. I couldn’t find something and when I asked my husband if he’d seen it he said something that felt an awful lot like an accusation. I went to playful whack him, but it came out a whole lot more angrier than that. I think I shocked myself as much as I shocked him.

That’s when I realized I’m bordering on losing it. I went upstairs, laid down on the floor and took a four hour nap. When I woke up I went out to the RV and slept all night.

I’ve spent the entire morning in a very hot, very long bath trying to figure out where all the emotion came from. And I realized the estate sale was what I was holding in my mind as the last Big Thing to do before we leave. I was holding it all together to get through it, essentially putting off my own processing and acclimation and emotions until they now feel like they’re pouring out.

I feel a bit like I’m detoxing. My allergies have been horrendous, my head pounding and my body hurting. And my mind is so discombobulated I can hardly think straight. And when I look around there is still more to do than I imagined.

I’ve spent the last two nights sleeping in the RV. The first night was tough; I felt both safer and less safe. Safer because the area feels cozy, almost womb-like and I could hear any potential danger. Less safe because it felt we were so close to the outside world with only a few inches separating us from said potential danger.

Why I’ve even felt so concerned with “potential danger” is still unknown. I assume it goes back to that perceived sense of security we gain from a home. But on the other hand, living in a home with wheels means feeling unsafe is less likely – if we perceive danger, we can simply move on.

Zeb had a few rough days before and during the sale. I needed more help than he was able to manage and I had to remind myself that this isn’t his job. Since then he’s been able to balance helping out with enough downtime to still process and adjust.

Justin is still working on Benny’s veggie oil conversion with Sara’s husband, Matt and it’s taking much longer than anticipated. They are still waiting on parts to ship and we may not even be ready to roll out by Monday. Justin is also taking care of anything big, so that I can relax a bit today (it’s a pretty good man that sees my outburst as a cry for help).

I’m know there is a lesson in all this about “expectations” and “letting go”. Again. Because that seems to be the lesson of my life, doesn’t it? I need to take a really deep breath and stay in this moment. I need to let go of the expectation of things going a certain way or happening by a certain date. I need to chill and realize we’re not in a hurry. If I can’t do it now, how will I do it on the road?