We’ve all had them – or so I like to tell myself. Those days when you see yourself through the perspective of the less-than supportive. When you come face-to-face with criticism and incredulous remarks over your unschooling or peaceful parenting or consensual living and you allow it to shape your own views.
It’s not the tone or the words that matter – even if they hurt. No. It’s the feeling that you have to be perfect and knowing every moment of imperfection is blamed on our differing choices, regardless of the fact the same flaws, the same imperfections exist (and maybe, even usually, to a greater extent) within the realms of conventional parenting.
And we are all imperfect. I am imperfect. Still in need of support or understanding. Still too quick to fall back on old habits of parenting in moments of stress. Still figuring it all out and learning and healing and growing. And yet when you position yourself in such blatant contrast of the norm, when you choose a path that others do not understand, your every action and reaction is dissected for fault. Every moment of humanness is waved about as an ugly flag that what you do is “wrong”.
Perhaps, in my maddening attempt to rise above the typical, I spend too much time in introspection. What started as my questioning the norm and finding a better way has progressed into something more debilitating and less productive. I take what I hear to heart. I inspect the thoughts given to me – despite their tone or purpose – for any shred of truth. I look for ways to improve. And I kick myself when I find what I seek. I often find myself spiraling into my own fears (or someone else’s), allowing myself to become paralyzed with guilt and further adding to my ever-growing list of missteps. Perhaps, my real goal shouldn’t be finding fault to improve it but forgiving fault when it arises and moving forward from that moment.
I want to be different, if that’s what it takes to love and respect my child. I want to nurture his ideas and autonomy, even if that means a few more bumps when he is younger because I know it will mean less as he grows. I strive to listen and breath and think before I respond. I want to validate and advocate. I want to listen to him first, me second and forget all criticism that clashes with what our hearts tell us.
But I am not perfect. Nor is my child. Or our life. Not because our choice in lifestyle is flawed. Loving kindness is never flawed. But because we’re human, with histories that shape our present state of mind, that bring up fears and unTruths and because it takes time for us to learn or unlearn and blossom and flow flawlessly with this Love.
We may not always experience one endless moment of Joy (did I ever elude we did?). But our joys are deeper and stronger and more full of laughter than they ever were before we found this path. Under even our most tumultuous days, flows an undercurrent of Trust and Love and Peace. All we have to do is take a deep breath and allow it to wisk us away to calmer waters.
I laid next to Zeb in bed the other night. We had just finished reading a few chapters of Little House and were cuddling, whispering to each other about our day and laughing quietly together. And though I had spent many days in the choppy waters (I) created from unkind words, I took a deep breath, recognizing that undercurrent pulling me back and let myself sink into it.
I whispered to my sweet boy that I love him…And he whispered back he loves me more…So I insisted I love him to pieces…
And he replied he loves me to crumbs…
And just like that, I’m swept away. No other words matter as much as those.
My name is Tara. I am a mama and a lover, a full-time nomad, a passionate devourer of Life and an Organic Life Coach.
ah, we perfectionists stick together like birds of a feather. I so hear what you are saying!
My only offering is that yes, I absolutely offer my daughter validation to what she says and what she feels as often as I can. And I tell her just how much I love her every single day. I tell Simon too for that matter. They appreciate it more than words can say. And, we laugh – - a lot. Even when Elise throws a tantrum we laugh together because it is funny. Bless you.
Why, oh, why don’t people get that the love is the only thing that really matters? Love yourself, too, Tara, and forgive.
Just because we are on the perfect path, does not mean we walk it perfectly, nor should we. Wobble all you want, heck fall off the path from time to time. All you have to do is get back on that path and keep moving forward.
The idea that being “different” makes our “faults” up for public inspection has always niggled me.
I really appreciate that you spelled out the difference between looking for faults to improve, and forgiving faults as they become noticeable. If we spend energy looking for negativity, we’ll find it. If we are open to a beautiful life, with occasional imperfection, which we can forgive and move on, life is so much richer and more beautful. Thanks!
awww. beautiful, as a perfectionist, mama, unschooler…who is wading through a stressful trnasitional period with the babes in tow, i needed this so badly. thank you. what a lovely reminder.
Another perfectionist chiming in here…I could really relate to this post. You’ve said it beautifully. I will remember your words as I struggle with my own perfectionism, and the headaches that too often come with it!
You are doing a beautiful job. Thank you for your writing.
Sometimes I think about all the things I wish I would have had figured out before my daughter was born, or before she was a certain age, or…. Oh, hindsight! Sometimes I daydream about having another child, because of said hindsight, to do it again, but better. But I know, realistically, that all children present new challenges (like any relationship), and I’m still on my own path of self-discovery. Add those together, and you’ve got more wishes to have figured it out earlier…. We’re all in process, no matter how much we present an image of having it figured out. Thanks for sharing your process, Tara.
Yes! Beautiful words. As an introspective person, I look over many moments carefully, like precious jewels. But I gave up perfectionism a long time ago. It only means never being happy, never satisfied. I’m believing more and more, that although our words and actions are of course important, a child knowing s/he is loved is mumero uno. Flaws and mishaps not only make us human, they give kids a break – not feeling they have to live up to perfection. Forgiving fault and moving foward is a great approach imo.
ditto. an insightful post. i really like the idea of “forgiving fault”. forgiveness, mostly of yourself and others, is sometimes the hardest thing to do, but the most necessary in order to live on with peace.
Tara,
Very well said.
Beautiful, insightful and inspiring post Tara! Forgiveness, especially of ourselves, can be such a hard thng to do, but is probably one of the most important lessons we have to learn in life. To learn to forgive and move forward is such a great approach.
(I liked what Mon said about it giving kids a break too!)
Such a sweet and thoughtful post. Very inspiring, as well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you so much for writing this post. It is so easy to fall victim to what my husband and I both call “over-analyzing.” It is incredibly refreshing to hear about others struggling with similar issues and fears and how they grapple with these challenges.
People who think they know everything, annoy us who do. Seriously though, just remember that people try to cover their insecurities by playing on yours!
Yeah, what everyone else said..especially my good chums Jenell and Mon..:) I’ve been at the ‘doing my head in’ point of microscopically dissecting everything I say and do,looking for ways I could ‘get it right’ more than a few times…then, like Mon, I gave up trying to be perfect.
My kids see my flaws and hear my tantrums and rantings and peevishness..then they hear me process it and apologize and we move on….floating happily on that undercurrent.
Thanks so much for this…
Thank-you Tara. I love getting what you need just when you need it. Look at all these people out there who think the same!!!! When ever I feel defeated somehow I am reconnected to those who “SEE” and I feel that loving embrase and it’s all good again. By changing ourselves we can change the world.
I got so caught up in reading the beauty, wisdom and light in your comments I forget what I was about to write lol! ; )
What a beautiful, heartfelt and truthful post. People can be tough and judgmental and that does hurt! I think you nailed it when you said “Trust Love and Peace” is where it is at and if you feel that in your heart with your family than that is what matters.
“I love you to crumbs” I love that!!!
Yeah. I get frustrated when that critical eye is turned to us…from a judgemental eye of someone who has no idea what they are talking about, don’t know us WELL, don’t know anything about our life, (and whose kids are usually out of control, yet they insist on being critical of others to make themselves feel better). But in the end who cares. They are not important. I protect my children from that negativity more than I care to protect myself from people who don’t know what is going on or what our life is really like. In the end, all that matters, more than anything in the world, is the four of us as a family – my children, my husband, me. I don’t want my boys to feel that our life is weird, or different, or alternative, or unusual. It is glorious and good, even with the ups and downs, good days and bad days, rough spots and more.