A belated Bench Monday
I lost it yesterday. We were trying to pack up the weekend leftovers and searching out the remnants of our keepers. I couldn’t find something and when I asked my husband if he’d seen it he said something that felt an awful lot like an accusation. I went to playful whack him, but it came out a whole lot more angrier than that. I think I shocked myself as much as I shocked him.
That’s when I realized I’m bordering on losing it. I went upstairs, laid down on the floor and took a four hour nap. When I woke up I went out to the RV and slept all night.
I’ve spent the entire morning in a very hot, very long bath trying to figure out where all the emotion came from. And I realized the estate sale was what I was holding in my mind as the last Big Thing to do before we leave. I was holding it all together to get through it, essentially putting off my own processing and acclimation and emotions until they now feel like they’re pouring out.
I feel a bit like I’m detoxing. My allergies have been horrendous, my head pounding and my body hurting. And my mind is so discombobulated I can hardly think straight. And when I look around there is still more to do than I imagined.
I’ve spent the last two nights sleeping in the RV. The first night was tough; I felt both safer and less safe. Safer because the area feels cozy, almost womb-like and I could hear any potential danger. Less safe because it felt we were so close to the outside world with only a few inches separating us from said potential danger.
Why I’ve even felt so concerned with “potential danger” is still unknown. I assume it goes back to that perceived sense of security we gain from a home. But on the other hand, living in a home with wheels means feeling unsafe is less likely – if we perceive danger, we can simply move on.
Zeb had a few rough days before and during the sale. I needed more help than he was able to manage and I had to remind myself that this isn’t his job. Since then he’s been able to balance helping out with enough downtime to still process and adjust.
Justin is still working on Benny’s veggie oil conversion with Sara’s husband, Matt and it’s taking much longer than anticipated. They are still waiting on parts to ship and we may not even be ready to roll out by Monday. Justin is also taking care of anything big, so that I can relax a bit today (it’s a pretty good man that sees my outburst as a cry for help).
I’m know there is a lesson in all this about “expectations” and “letting go”. Again. Because that seems to be the lesson of my life, doesn’t it? I need to take a really deep breath and stay in this moment. I need to let go of the expectation of things going a certain way or happening by a certain date. I need to chill and realize we’re not in a hurry. If I can’t do it now, how will I do it on the road?
My name is Tara. I am a mama and a lover, a full-time nomad, a passionate devourer of Life and an Organic Life Coach.
Oh, MAN do I hear you… tried to text you back, but I’m not sure if they went through… I’m on the downhill side of where you are… (I think) but MAN it’s not fun. Hubs and I BOTH had it spilling out all over each other towards the last few days. Today it’s stupid shit that doesn’t even have anything to DO with anything.
after all that you’ve been through in the past week (I feel shattered just catching up with reading about it), it’s hardly surprising that you lost it, in fact it would be a bit wierd if you didn’t. You’re mentally and physically exhausted, you couldn’t make a bigger life change, with all that entails, and you’re also trying to do so mindfully for Zac. All I can say, is be gentle on yourself, let the deadlines slip a bit if that’s what’s needed, but just take some time to roll with it, let it come to the surface, then let it go, and just look forward to the time when you are on the road, feeling free, going wherever you want, whenever, and visualise the positive. xx
In my opinion, these emotional outbursts are so useful in teaching us more about ourselves and our limits. I see them as a positive thing. Each time I push myself too hard to the point where I feel frayed, I learn more about what I can and cannot do, where I need to push myself, and where I need to relax. It’s rather like a child who is constantly pushing his or her boundaries and his or her mom or dad’s rules. I have to constantly push my boundaries and test my resiliency.
As long as I can keep my emotional outbursts themselves to a minimum of “outburstyness,” so that I’m not physically or emotionally harming anyone else, I learn so much from them.
Or maybe that’s my way of rationalizing exhaustion when I’ve pushed myself too hard. Yeah, that’s probably it.
Just came across your blog and wanted to offer some encouraging words. We did something similar a few years back, and it was both liberating and terrifying (although it didn’t really hit me until later). Good for you for following your heart and best wishes as you hit the road.
We somehow ended up back in the 9-5 grind with a house and other trappings of modern life, and we feel so lost. I really feel good reading about your adventure and knowing that we can find our way again.
I’ve been going through some weird emotional outbursts as well, but unfortunately, Silas has caught most of it directly because he’s the one here during the day… with me while my fuse is so short and my emotions are all jumbled and mixed up. Bleh. It’s not fun and I feel like I’m having a bit of a nervous breakdown. Everything else is ok, I’m learning to go with the flow and let life’s little circumstances roll off my back better than ever before. It’s my dealings with Silas that are taking a nosedive into crazy land. I feel like he’s going through a particularly antagonistic phase and instead of helping him through whatever is causing it, I’m just reacting and being tossed around by the whole thing.
((hugs)). it is hard when you know you gotta go with the flow, but you need to get things done. you gotta relax and let go, but you need to hurry up and do it right. you need to tie up loose ends, but you need to just get it over with and leave. i can imagine how hard it is on all of you, but it will make your first day out feel like a memorable moment. day and night. old and new. good luck!
is there some weird planetary thing happening – I was crying at my hubby the other about not wanting power – he was so confused!
this processing will likely continue once your on the road – but all the dust and yuck that moving and having an estate sale entails (like all that toxic energy of those people who act like vultures at such sales) will end – I imagine and hope that once your on the road you’ll kinda melt and mellow out/into this new life – ‘just keep swimming’ – you can do it!!!
ugh deb, you have such a good point about all the energy. we’re still slightly fuming over some personal affects that were stolen and still trying to sell some big stuff and i definitely can’t wait to be clear of all of it!
Letting go of the outcome is probably the hardest thing to do when you’re looking forward to something happening. *hugs*
((((((Hugs)))))) Hang in there and forget that deadline. You will leave when you are all ready and there is no magic about that date. I do the same thing with telling myself I just have to get through *this* and forgetting that *that* comes after and I have to get through that, too. I feel for you.
yes, it’s called exhaustion and stress and if your are anything like me(on the sensitive side/easily overwhelmed) it can sneak up on you (and your loved ones) and really bite you in the arse.
sending you lots of positive vibes! you’ll make it! and probably with alot more grace and humility than most would
Too exhausted to say much, other than, you’re in my thoughts, look after
yourself. How I wish I could curl up somewhere for a 4 hour nap!
What you are going through is perfectly normal! Don’t be hard on yourself. It sounds like your husband is a very supportive and understanding man. Everything will smooth out – just give it time.
Hugs to you.
It’s big. Big, big, big. Just about the biggest thing I can think of.
(Too big for me, certainly. : ) )
Be sweet to yourself – you deserve it.
Steph
I had an outburst yesterday and ran upstairs and lay down on the bed…and almost fell asleep waiting for my husband to come after me. Then I wished he hadn’t because sleep would have been so nice! And I actually hit him a couple days ago (was supposed to be “playful” but I actually smacked him) and was surprised by it, so I am feeling you there! ANYWAY. Good man you have to understand.
You have done so much lately on not enough sleep. And the big transition is occurring, so it’s no wonder! I hope you recover quickly so you can enjoy everything. *hugs*
The safety thing is something that surprised me. I have learned so much about what my perception of what safety was/is since living in an RV. Truly, why would I think house walls could offer any more protection than RV walls? Why would I assume the neighbors I think I know are safer than the ever changing neighbors that I’m aware I don’t know? More than anything, I see that I used to wrap my perception of safety around the “known” or the comfortable or familiar.
I remember one of my biggest melt downs after hitting the road, where I was sobbing and telling my husband “too many unknowns”…because I felt scared and unsafe in bigger ways than I’d expected. To balance it, I had to look at the “knowns” that remained true in my life and still remain true.
In the end, it was all about control for me. Or the illusion of control, rather. And ahhhhhh…letting go of that illusion of control is never an easy task, is it?
Oh, forgot to say that sheer exhaustion is exactly what we experienced during the craziness of the last few weeks before hitting the road. I still don’t know how we did it! Extend much grace towards yourself and the other family members going through the same thing. Hopefully you will soon be able to more than make up for the lack of sleep, lack of energy and out of the ordinary physical work involved in this part of the process. The transition period is the worst for sure! I am looking forward to reading the parts when the birth and new life begins for all of you.