In my opinion,

I was thinking today about something that happened shortly after Z turned 7 years old. It was around lunchtime and Z and I were tired, cranky and hungry. I wanted to wait until I got home to eat but Z needed something sooner and asked for the Evil Golden Arches. In a moment of weakness, I grudgingly said “Okay”. When he realized we were going through the drive-thru, I explained we needed to get home and didn’t have time to go in and play. He was not happy about this and proceeded to “let me know”. I told him if he continued acting in such a manner, we would just go home. Well, he proceeded so I left. He was furious and stated, “Every since I turned 7, I get NO respect!”

At the time it was nothing more but a funny Z-ism, but I realize now it was a boy growing up; wanting to feel as if his opinion mattered as much as those around him. Honestly, at that time it didn’t and he obviously felt it. In that moment all he saw was that I had gone back on my word. I had put my control over his life in front of his own self-control. I realize now how I could have managed the situation better, talking with him about our options before expecting him to accept them blindly and gratefully; perhaps making sure we eat before we get cranky and short with each other!

But at that time in my life, it was about MY needs and MY control and Z needing to bend to me instead of modeling compromise and generosity myself. It’s no wonder he felt little respect when I thought “respect was to be earned”.

“Respect must be earned.” Kind of a double standard, huh? An authoritative figure expects respect without question but then expects others to “earn” it from them. But if children live what they learn, what is an authoritative parent teaching when they don’t give respect and consideration freely?

I’ve stopped telling Z to say “please” or “thank you” but I make sure to say it plenty – to him and to others. I no longer expect Z to act a certain way to fit inside my parameters of respect, but I model respect every chance I get. And it’s true, children do live what they learn. Our relationship today is living proof.