A week and a half ago, Zeb had a pretty scary fall. He and Justin were rough-housing, Zeb jumped onto his dad’s back, and Justin started swinging him around. Within seconds Zeb went from laughing to screaming as he fell about 4 feet onto our concrete floor. His arms and shoulder mostly broke the fall but he knocked his head very hard. His immediate reaction was obviously to the pain. He cried out and looked terrified but as Justin scooped him up, it quickly turned to anger. He thought his dad had made him fall “on purpose”. He screamed for me and struggled to get out of Justin’s arms. I tried to calm him down, get him to breathe, told him not to be angry, it was an accident. It was my knee-jerk reaction – rationalize, soothe, anything to calm him down.
He did calm down. But something had shifted. He was weepy, and clung to me. His head was pounding and we were watching for signs of a concussion, which was worrying him. He curled up against me and whimpered. He said he needed to cry but couldn’t. That’s about when I realized my knee-jerk reaction probably wasn’t the best.
I remembered this post by Mon over at Holistic Mama about allowing babies to cry instead of stopping them from venting pent-up emotions. Not cry-it-out, mind you, but being present and aware of the emotions that require release.
Granted Zeb’s not an infant, but the post had been so thought-provoking. He’s definitely gone through many moments of venting frustrations over the past (as have I). And I’ve been feeling very strongly about the fact that Zeb still hangs onto a lot more anger or hurt over some of his experiences than is really healthy for a nine year old to carry. But I never thought I’ve been guilty of trying to stop those feelings from bubbling up, by denying them through trying to soothe them away.
It’s not often such strong emotions find their way out of him like they were trying to that night and there I was immediately jamming up the flow again! I tried to reverse it – I held him and we talked about the event and all the emotions he felt and what he thought had happened and why. And once or twice he would start to get a bit weepier but it wasn’t helping. He wanted to cry and couldn’t let it out. Add to that mix, his drowsiness, his blurred vision, his headache and nausea…
Thankfully, the CT scan was negative. No physical signs of the fall. But his mood had shifted. For several days after the fall he was louder, short-tempered, snarky, sarcastic. None of these totally abnormal qualities for a nine year old, of course and something he’d been working through to some extent before the fall. But I could sense a change. He seemed bitter. It was as if the fall had switched something on.
I remember the first time I had a spinal adjustment. We see an atlas-orthogonal chiropractor and the affects of the adjustment were intense. Initially, I was dizzy and light-headed but within minutes of walking out of the office, I was angry. Livid. Enraged. I had no idea why and I was scaring myself. All this anger just poured out of me, like a cork had been popped and I found myself driving down the road, screaming in outrage into the steering wheel.
Zeb’s had an adjustment and cranial-sacral work in the past with no major emotional release afterwards. But we went back last Tuesday to have him checked after the head impact. Our doctor was pretty shocked at how out of alignment he was and worked on him for awhile. I could see him start to shift within minutes and by the time we were driving back home, the emotions started coming out. I was so determined not to impede their release this time, so I simply offered him my hand and let him vent. It all came out as anger.
Since that day it’s been flowing and stopping, rushing and trickling from depression to despondency to anger to irritation. We went back to our chiro yesterday for more work and a homeopathic remedy of Helleborus, Arnica and Staphisagria – given for head injuries, as well as pent-up feelings. He’s still a rollercoaster of emotions. And I’m still doing my best to keep up with him, to not inadvertently bottle him up and to simply be there when he’s raging or feeling down. It is so hard to not soothe it away when I know he needs to get it out. It’s so hard to know what is normal and what he needs help with and how to help him. Many times the solution is to simply love him and hold him, but sometimes he’s not in a place where he can accept even my compassion.
It’s very difficult as an unschooling parent to be living such an authentic and inspiring life and still handle all these feelings of anger or sadness in your child. We work so hard to bring joy and health into our lives through everything we do and it can be exasperating to have it all crumble due to an emotional meltdown. It’s certainly not the common unschooling experience but then he didn’t have a common school experience, either. However, through all the ups and downs of his healing, I’m so thankful to be living a lifestyle that allows him to heal at his own pace; that allows us the resources and time to focus on what the moment needs instead of “what needs to be done this moment”. I’m glad I’ve become a much more aware mother than I ever was and can focus on my role and how best to support him. And as hard as it is to say, I’m glad he trusts me enough to throw all these feelings at me when they need to be thrown.
My name is Tara. I am a mama and a lover, a full-time nomad, a passionate devourer of Life and an Organic Life Coach.
This brought tears to my eyes. I feel so glad for Zeb, that’s he’s getting this chance t release his emotions. That he has such a great mama that is willing to just be there and hear him. Your own rage release after the spinal work is fascinating. I would such a treatment. perhaps when the LO gets a cranial-sacral treatment I’ll do the same.
Then it brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of my cildhood. I wasn’t allowed emotions, not negative ones anyway. And I was a kid brimming over with them. They wonder why I rebelled so badly in my teens! I’m sad for that little girl who didn’t get to cry or rage, and can’t help but feel compassion for every kid who gets the chance to do so.
God Tara, how frightening. Bless his heart and perhaps ‘meditation’ might help? Good luck anyway. Thinking of you all….
What a frightening, yet powerful situation for you all to find yourselves in. I’m glad he is ok physically, and hope getting the chance to rage it out will help him…and you.
Wow, what a beautiful relationship you two share. The ability to see things so clearly and adjust your reaction is wonderful. Patients is not something I am great with but am hopeful. Zeb is one very lucky little boy and that of course makes you one very lucky Momma.
I was struggling the other day with some of my eleven yr. old son’s ups and downs physically and emotionally and came across this article : http://www.informedfamilylife.org/2005/01/parenting_the_nine_year_old.html
I’m not 100% waldorf, but I do like some of the philosophical ideas and found this very helpful. Thanks for posting this it is hard to find discussion from a unschooling / loving parenting perspective when in comes to older kids, once again you’ve made me feel like I’m not alone in my struggles.
Crystal, that is a really great article! While I don’t agree with everything in the article or the Waldorf method, it describes so perfectly much of what Zeb is handling. I’m going to search for more of the same, especially in regards to children who have experienced any past stressors. Thank you for sharing that. And yes, it is very hard to find discussion on unschooling through difficulties, or unhappy emotions/healing. It’s something I’ve struggled with blogging about in the past as well but I hope to do more so in the future.
Yes, my 6 year old can be a roller coaster of emotions and we try to consciously acknowledge and allow him to vent and release his sadness or anger and be there for him, but not trivialize his need for that release. I think kids go in waves and dips, ups and downs, and need to find that release and sometimes the way to find that is through an accident or injury. It allows them an ‘out’ for all the feelings that they try to manage and suppress day to day. I am like that tooo, and if I expect someone to respect me when I need to cry or vent or get angry, well, then why wouldn’t I do the same for a child?
Rambling, but I agree with what you said. Sorry he had an injury, but sounds like he is clearing out and will be ready to roll again.
Thanks so much for sharing this! First off that was a nasty fall and I’m relieved that he doesn’t have a concussion or lasting injury.
I am learning about emotions and anger and letting it out. I started PEER therapy and the release was intense in only one session.
My youngest boy is the extremely blow up, explosive type, I hate labelling but you get the point.
Trying to stop what he is feeling and letting out just makes things worse. I have learned over the few years he has been here to let him get it out.
You can’t talk to someone while they are releasing, just let them get it out so they don’t have to go to therapy when their grown
When you find the answer, let me know. I’ve struggled with this same thing with my almost 6 year old for years. I’m kind of afraid of what it will be like with a 9 year old. I think of me as a teenager even, and wow, scary. But my parents didn’t know about the need for expressing emotions. I don’t really know either. I mean, I know there’s a need, but how to help them express them in ways that “work for everyone” without unwittingly communicating that the feelings aren’t okay.
I don’t know any other people who parent this way “in real life” and I really wonder what Is normal. You say this isn’t the common unschooling experience. Are you sure? Is it true, if we can raise our children totally free and parent compassionately all the time (neither of which I am any where close to perfect at doing), that our children won’t experience things like this? Could it be that life is meant to be a little bit hard sometimes and maybe some kids have stronger emotions and a harder time learning to deal with them than others? I really don’t know. I’m alway so worried that there’s “something wrong” when we go through times like this, but then my husband sounds like a voice of reason when he reminds me, “Um, they’re little. They’re going to fight sometimes.” Or, “Yeah, she’s going through a bit of a hard time right now, she was just displaced as baby of the family. Why do you always think there’s something terribly wrong when it’s just a normal part of life?”
What do you think?
What an amazing post. I am sorry that Zeb hurt himself, but I can’t help acknowledge what a powerful learning experience it has been for everyone.
The most surprising thing I’m learning through parenting is that it’s not my job to necessarily make things better. What a mind bender.
I’m glad he’s okay and sounds like he’s going through the healing process.
hugs mama.
Kate, Am I sure…yes and no. I think many unschoolers don’t discuss it for fear it will be blamed on unschooling. But of all the unschoolers I know personally, it’s not commonplace – at least to such an extent. I definitely think we can freak out easily and worry too much – part of being a mother, no? But at the same time, most of us have an intuition as well. I think the difficulty comes in knowing whether or not we’re hearing our intution or our fear. I feel as though we live in a world bombarded with noise and images and stories and news which make us fear what’s around every corner, and I think all of that can certainly drowned out that gut instinct at times. I know I’ve learned to slow down and take plenty of time before reacting, simply to give myself time to really tune in.
As for how to do it, it’s something I’m learning as we go. Some days one thing helps, another day it doesn’t. I think 9 years – although more intense and assertive – is a bit easier. He has more ability now than he did at 6 to articulate how he’s feeling, which makes a world of difference.
Hi,
I found your blog through ladybug-zen (and I see you know/read Mon at HolisticMama, too!).
I just wanted to say thank you for writing this post, and that I am feeling compassion for you and your son as you find your ways through this. How wonderful that you have homeopathy and craniosacral to help!!
I have been through something similar but different with my now six-year-old. I have tried to make it my practice not to suppress his emotions, but in the heat of the moment, my own suppression often comes up (like Mon mentioned, I wasn’t allowed as a child to have my own emotions). If I start to focus too much on him, he will tell me, “Mama, I just need to cry!”
In that case, I try to focus on myself (feelings of tightness or shortness of breath) and breathe through it. It took me a while to not feel “guilty” for not attending more to him, but I figured it was better than shushing him, and I actually think that staying present, even if it is with myself, is more soothing to him than hovering.
It is a constant process for us, and I am glad to read about your experiences — it gives me inspiration to keep going and to keep growing.