We’ve been here in Nashville, staying with my aunt and visiting with my great-grandma, for a few weeks now. Shortly after we arrived my aunt had the idea of guilting sweet-talking my mom and step-dad into a visit. Mentioning their grandson always works well. 
They came for the 4th of July weekend and we spent the time chatting, eating, playing, swimming and tourist-ing.
It was good to see them again, but I didn’t realize how hard it would be for Zeb. He came to eat with everyone Saturday night but sat with his head down for only a few minutes before retreating again. When I went to find him he was curled up on the couch.
I’ve found my role in these moments tends to follow the same pattern: 1) Help him articulate the feelings he’s experiencing and 2) Listen and validate his experience. This time it looked a little something like this:
Me: Hey, what’s wrong?
Zeb: [No answer; he just looks at me. This is my cue to find the words for him.]
Me: Are you angry over something?
Zeb: [Shakes no.]
Me: Are you disappointed?
Zeb: [Pause]
Me: Maybe that no one was ready for the fireworks before dinner?
Zeb: [Shakes no.]
Me: Are you sad?
Zeb: [Nods head]
Me: Are you sad that Grandpa has to go home tomorrow? (He had to leave before Grandma because of work.)
As soon as I articulate the right words the flood gates burst open. It broke my heart to see him sobbing with homesickness. He told me how much he misses our family and friends, how he hated the RV right then and how he wishes we could be in Vegas.
I held back my thoughts and the urge to say “You were just telling us how much you loved being on the road!” Instead I listened and validated the place he was in. I rubbed his back and reassured him it was okay to feel this way. I agreed how hard it was and how much it sucked to be away from the people we love.
Justin came in and sat down beside us on the floor and fought his own battle not to justify or rationalize. Zeb just needed to be heard in that moment, so we did our best to listen.
As is our pattern though, once he felt heard Zeb slowly drifted toward discussion. He told us how torn he felt, wanting us to have our old life and our new one; wanting to stay on the road but not miss everyone; wanting our old home without losing his Dad to a full-time job again.
Sometimes it amazes me how much validation helps him. In the past we would try to talk him out of his feelings or even distract him from them. (at our worst times, we would even tell him he was wrong for feeling that way.) It was little wonder he responded by keeping his emotions to himself. Now he trusts he can express himself without fear of our reaction; our family powwows are his safe place to let go.
With our validation he goes through a rhythm of expression slowly working his own way toward a place of peace. And then he said he wanted to enjoy the rest of his time with his Grandpa, instead of feeling sad while he was still here.
And we did. We set off fireworks, wrote our names on the ground with sparklers and enjoyed our family. And early the next morning before the rest of us were awake he and Grandpa set off on their second walk of the weekend to Waffle House for an early morning breakfast by themselves.
We didn’t and still don’t have any answers for his feeling homesick. Being together as we are and traveling full-time is an amazing opportunity with gigantic sacrifices. How do we weigh such big decisions and know with certainty we’re on the right path for all of us? One day at a time, I suppose.
I'm Tara Wagner, life coach and creator of the Digging Deep process, where I coach women out of survival mode to recreate their lives and families.
I’ve been working my elbows to the bone getting better at validating Zane’s feelings and he seems to be really loving it! It’s so hard when I have my own agenda, but it seems the very things I feel so strongly for are what he needs me to listen to him about most. You’re such a great Mama and so inspiring to me, as well as so many others.
I think sometimes when we’re living in the moment we are so fulfilled that we don’t recognize those strong ties we have to something else until we are in the moment with what we are missing; then it hits us-hard! Keep pow-wowing; I’m certain I’d be homesick too!
I think you are a wonderful Mom. I drive a school bus, and see so many parents who rush through the have to do list that they are missing it. Your child is only your child for so long, then it will be their turn to make choices. You are teaching Zeb lessons in life that are so important and yet they get missed by so many people. You may end up back in Vegas or you may end up someplace Zeb never knew he needed. Whatever the journey Zeb has the most important thing… Your love! PS if ever in Maryland, I’d love to talk..what a wonderful journey you are on!
hugs.
Yeah…I’m crying, now. Tell him, he’s not alone. I’m 32 years old, and I have the exact same feelings! Being in transition (on the road, or living with friends…either way) is really difficult on the emotional front. He’s blessed to have parents who are willing to do the work necessary to let him be who he is, and to have a grandpa that walks to Waffle House with him…there are lots of kids out there who’s grandpas won’t give them the time of day, and they live in the same town…I used to be one of those. You guys are such an awesomely tight family…you can feel it through the screen.
I hope you guys find your balance soon.
Also, thanks for sharing this. We’ve been having a difficult past couple of hours and I’m having a difficult time not doing the justifying and rationalizing thing right now, too.
I love that you just gave him space to express without defending your choices – it is incredibly powerful and I am finally learning this in all aspects of my own life :c)
Thank you so much for the reminder to validate what our children are feeling. I think that you are teaching your son a valuable lesson by being on the road, not to take anything or anyone for granted. To appreciate the time you have together, it is a huge lesson and great that he is getting to learn it so young! Way to go family.
Just beautiful. I am so in awe. I hope I have the strength and courage to talk to my son like that as he grows older. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Hi Tara. Such a beautiful post. Isn’t validation amazing?
“How do we weigh such big decisions and know with certainty we’re on the right path for all of us?”
I’ve asked myself this too, in our own circumstances- those questions seem to come up in tough moments. No matter what we do, there are sacrifices, including the less obvious ones involved in standing still. I don’t know if there is ever unwavering certainty…maybe just enough in those beautiful moments that make you feel like you must be on the right path!
~For what it’s worth, we’ve found Skype to be a great tool for when the kids are missing the special people in their lives.
I find your parenting style inspirational
Tara, this was such a great post.
I feel the same as he does, and I’m 33. I want to be travelling the world, unfettered by *anything*. I want that badly. I want to be living this life with my children, on a farm, with animals that tie us down. I want that badly. It’s the choice I made (and am making every day), but it doesn’t mean I want ‘the other’ less. I love my life as it is, and am sticking with it until ‘the other’ calls to me so much that I can’t push it back anymore.
This is so encouraging to me. It helps to see it in action lets me know I’m on the right path. Thank you for sharing.
You and your family are so inspiring. I struggle with my agenda and really hearing my children! I have four. The desire to justify and defend is so strong. We all need validation of our feelings. Feelings aren’t wrong. For some reason it’s acceptable in our culture to think that children’s feelings don’t need to be really heard by adults. Thank you for this beautiful post and your beautiful example of parenting.
Peace,
Angela
It’s been so nice finding your blog again, somehow I must have mistaken yours for another from my reader and deleted yours by mistake months ago. It’s so great to see that you are on the road now and to read the backlog of your journey so far.
Anyway, what a great post! Not only is this great advice, listen and validate, for children but also for everyone! Just last night I was expressing my disappointment in my mother-in-law’s recent visit and he either just kept saying, “i don’t know why you feel that way, she’s always been like that.” Maybe I need to send him this post
Homesickness is such a hard feeling, especially when you are young, but I guess it’s a thing we all need to learn how to handle. Maybe you could plan a trip back there and show him on the calendar so that he could look forward to that? It will be interesting to see his perspective after a visit back ‘home’.
Thank you for the reminder….validation is so crucial, but so easily forgotten. Thank you ♥
Oh, I do feel for you. I love this theory of validation (I read Naomi Aldort’s wonderful book a couple of months ago), and the way you illustrate it here is so wonderful. Children are SO sensitive, and I remember being one of them, and often keeping to myself because others would only defend or accuse or deny or whatever when I was honest (rare thing). You’re doing a wonderful job, and Zeb is so fortunate to have you.
I cried reading this post…. I have never cried reading anything on the internet before…. I feel for you all… I wish I could help. I love all your photos and have been watching your journey through your photos =-)
Dana
“In the past we would try to talk him out of his feelings or even distract him from them. (at our worst times, we would even tell him he was wrong for feeling that way.) It was little wonder he responded by keeping his emotions to himself. Now he trusts he can express himself without fear of our reaction; our family powwows are his safe place to let go.”
wow. this really struck a chord with me.
we too have made a similar shift…from ignoring, distracting, and even getting frustrated and angry at our children for expressing “negative emotions” to noticing, naming, validating and allowing a safe space for expression.
it has been incredibly powerful.
one thing that our daughter really likes to do is draw pictures and then have us write the words to describe what she is feeling. often by the time we are done with the drawings her mood has shifted. (kind of like how i feel when i have a cup of cofee with a good friend and talk, talk, talk and just “get it all off my chest”). very powerful stuff.