On Showing Up and Rocking It (The Ricki Lake Recap)
It’s Saturday, two days after the show, and I’m still not totally with it. I’ve slept umteen hours and am still finding my footing, but I wanted to get this whole experience down before I forget it.
The overarching vibe of the entire experience: amazeballs.
I realized long before the show that this wasn’t about being on TV, or connecting with the beautiful Ricki (whose work I admire anyway).
This was about me.
It was about making a declaration to myself of self-approval and nonjudgment. About surrendering my desire to control and perfect, and instead forgiving myself my perceived shortcomings and “not enough-ness” by allowing myself to just own Who I Am.
It felt like years of Digging Deep all culminating in front of a live studio audience.
And it was magical.
I knew going into this that my shit – some really old shit, too – would surface. I knew I’d have the opportunity to be nervous, scared, and self-deprecating. I knew I’d hear some old stories in my mind, way too much criticism, and a lot of negativity from my mouth.
Because I knew this as a very real possibility, I made up my mind to go into it full of intention and awareness. I spent an hour or more every day with those stories and voices. I embraced this as the opportunity it was to step into my Self. I turned off the habit of keeping myself outside of things, keeping my focus on the outer, or keeping myself busy in the superficial, and I allowed myself to turn inward completely, to own what surfaced, and to spend the time necessary to make peace with it.
And I’m damn proud of myself for it.
Sometime last week the words came to me: “I am not doing this for anyone else. I am up there for an audience of two – my Spirit and the Spirit. This is for us to celebrate my own ability to love and live. This is a milestone in the agreement we made for this life.”
I know it probably makes little sense, but this whole thing was not really about sharing green living or what we do. Those were just the bonuses, the icing on the cake.
This was about me celebrating Life and embracing self-approval.
I had voices rise up, and I chose to answer each one with love and affirmation.
I had fear surface, and I chose to respond with a reminder of my Truth.
I had doubts pop in, and I surrendered each thought that didn’t come from Spirit.
Surrender surrender surrender.
If it hadn’t been the work I’ve been doing with that Guiding Word this year I may not have gotten up there and rocked it so thoroughly and completely.
Surrender didn’t mean giving up, or saying no, or taking the easy way out. I wasn’t surrendering my desire to feel confident and calm and excited on the show. I wasn’t surrendering this wonderful opportunity.
I was surrendering every negative thought or expectation.
I surrendered every idea that I was going to sound like an idiot, every worry that I’d mess something up, every thought that I had to be some conventional idea of perfect (as well as every after-thought that because I can’t possibly be perfect I might as well not even try). I surrendered every idea that I knew what needed to happen, I surrendered every expectation to perform or force it to come together, and I surrendered every temptation to be something or someone I wasn’t.
I showed up fully. Fully in my body, fully in my heart, fully in my spirit. I did so without apology for what I need and without trying to fit a box. I owned Who I Am and what I do without backpedaling or making excuse. I felt confident and comfortable just Being.
And it felt amazing. Which meant I was free to experience some amazing things.
It meant jumping on the bed in excitement.
It meant wearing clothes that felt good on me and doing my own makeup, so I could get up there in my own skin.
It meant laughing and being silly with friends backstage.
It meant dancing behind the stage to get myself ready and doing a little strut-dance as I walked out to greet the audience.
It meant smiling big, and cracking stupid jokes, and not really remembering 90% of what I wanted to emphasize, and still rocking my socks off.
It meant hearing my name from across the restaurant later that evening and looking up to see it was Ricki waving to me, and getting another opportunity to hug her tight and thank her for everything she’s done (and is doing) in this world.
It meant CELEBRATING and JOYFULNESS and FUN.
It meant being damn proud of myself.
I had nerves and I surrendered them. I had fears and I released them.
I had self-judgments and I freed myself from them.
I walked-strutted-danced onto that stage in total confidence and self-approval, without any fear or butterflies. I instantly forgave myself for my mistakes and imperfections and I just loved all over myself for having the courage to say Yes to this opportunity and the openness to work through all that Life gave me the opportunity to DIG IN to.
I didn’t share much about green living, really. It was all over too fast.
But I shared the whole of my heart. I allowed my light to shine, and I shared myself.
And that’s what makes this thing a wild success in my book.
That’s why I know I rocked it.