Poem: missing

living inside myself
or in the past
living in the hurt
or the memory of hurt
pushing back the truth
of what may be or is or may never be
inwardly watching the outwardly motions
movements, words, emotions
outwardly ignoring the inwardly voice
holding onto a word or a name that was never mine
holding onto a grudge of a theft that never happened
a theft of something that was not mine
that never existed
a jealousy of a stolen joy by an ignorant thief
one that wonders what crime was committed to warrant the sentence
Rightfully, no crime committed
Except in my heart, to my heart
No wound so deep can heal without a scar
And no scar can heal at all

Poem: Such a Love As This

Such a love as this
That neither death, nor distance can seperate
Two souls dancing in memory
Upholding the promise of a dream
Of many dreams
He will return to me
And I to him
To comfort or console, to love more
He will hold on to me
And I to him
Until the other must let go

Such a love as this
That night shall welcome sweet escape
The sun shall fall on lovers ache
The moon shall rise and bring with it a glimpse of relief

Such a love as this
That returns through wisps of haze
Turning grey to color
And silence to music

Bringing souls together until sweet one awakes
Is such a love as this

Poem: can’t sleep

The urge to write with no words at hand
Wishing away the long night
The product of fear at my side
A hopeful protection from the darkness

Grow up little girl
You can’t be afraid anymore
Afraid of the dark, of the unknown
Of a stranger or some results
You can’t jump to conclusions
And thrive on the worst

Don’t let it press in as you lie down
It has no right to your thoughts
It has no power over your heart
If you give it no right, no power

Push it away, throw it out
It has crossed the line, not you
It may have sought you out, but you need not light the beacon

Reclaim your lost ground
Your forlonged control
Force a looser grip
And knock it down

Poem: Name

It’s been asked “what’s in a name”
Life is in a name
And love resides there too
A name holds faith
And fills a heart with hope
It becomes real
A breathing, beating heart
A promise yet to be fulfilled
And that one name belongs
It has eyes and lips and its own heart
It has a meaning to drown sorrows
To fill rooms with laughter
It brings a peace never known
And surrounds the senses with a joyous song
My joyous song…

And in that name can be held a desperation, a yearning, an ache
In that name can be held a promise broken or misread
In that name lies a knife that slices open old wounds
And pours in salt
In that name lies the death of a prayer
My prayer
Was in that name

I Smell Something Fishy….

I’ll admit, I often say “conspiracy theory” without actually meaning it. But after doing more and more research, I’m really beginning to wonder…

Many people know the abortion/breast cancer link, but for those that don’t I’ll elaborate.

Years ago, the government marked estrogen as a known carcinogen (something that can cause cancer). When a women gets pregnant her body starts to produce massive amounts of estrogen. It’s what makes the skin pretty and hair shiny and also what makes the boobs bigger. This is because it causes the tissue in the breast to increase/multiply. It does this in order to breastfeed (sorry, I’m no scientist and can’t describe the exact event). Anywho, in the 3rd trimester your hormones start to change again and the cause the increased breast tissue to change again (for breastfeeding purposes) which leaves the cells less likely to develop into breast cancer.

Well, in abortion, you cut off that process. You never are allowed to get to the last trimester where those cells are made “safer” or “less carcinogenic”. Therefore you are left with an increase in carcinogenic breast cells. Now miscarriage does not show to do this, because generally that hormone was lacking in the first place. But pre-term babies (before 32 weeks) have shown an increase.

Studies done over several decades have noted this risk and firmly stand beside their findings that abortion greatly raises a women’s risk. In fact, 8 research facilities from around the world are 100% convinced that abortion causes an increase risk of breast cancer anywhere from 30-200% depending on certain variables (age, race, how far along, etc).

99% of scientists will admit that pre-term babies will put you at risk. But many of those same scientists will feverishly deny that abortion does any such thing. Contradiction?

Some other studies, that have remained unpublished have been done by some leading cancer research facilities that have said that abortion causes NO such risk. Note, these are unpublished. Also note that the same research facilities that did these studies have “leaders” that were former members of the abortion industry.

Now, there is a huge problem with that last statement. Cancer researchers and their board are not suppose to have any “conflict of interests”. It’s a major no-no, especially when being funded by tax-payers dollars. Wouldn’t former abortion industry members, on any level from rights-activists to the doctors that perform them, be a huge conflict of interest? Especially if certain studies were true?

Some coalitions that fight for more research, more information and more public knowledge have openly and repeatedly challenged several of these non-believing research facilities to a public debate – the “breast cancer link” vs. the “it’s a sham” side; the numerous published, well-documented and substantiated studies vs. the few unpublished studies performed by cancer groups currently run by former abortion industry members. What was there response? Silence.

One cancer research group (National Breast Cancer coalition fund) openly gave one coalition a “Golden Boob Award”. Now, I was shocked and a little offended by this. In the words of the awarded coalition, isn’t that equivalent to a childhood leukemia group giving a “Little Baldy Award”? Harsh, huh?

So, me being forthcoming and a tad bit confrontational, I emailed them asking them first, why they wouldn’t debate and second, why they had such a crass award. Here was their response:
>>
Thank you for your recent message regarding the nomination of the Abortion/Breast Cancer Coalition (ABC)for the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund’s Golden Boob award. They were nominated because they are promoting a message that has been definitely declared false after extensive study by the National Cancer Institute. If you would like to read the NCI report, please use this link:
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/abortion-miscarriage

The purpose of the Golden Boob is to bring information that is harmful to women’s health and our mission to end breast cancer to the public’s attention. ABC’s materials fall into that category.
Sincerely, The National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund

>>

Hmm, that didn’t answer my question of debate at all…And how come if ONLY ONE group (NCI) did a study that showed the info to be false and many, many more have done studies showing it to be true did they side with that ONE STUDY? That one study done by a group that used to work in the abortion industry?

AND, how is this information “harmful to a women’s health”. How is not getting an abortion harmful?

Now I’m going to step out on a limb and say I can possibly see how it is harmful to the NBCC’s mission. I think it could be harmful it the public found out that the info was even remotely true or was improperly or under studied and that they found out they they were funding an organization that would not even look into it further than ONE STUDY, an organization that is being run by people that support or are being supported by abortion groups. That is certainly harmful to the NBCC.

Here’s something else to support my “theory”:

A journal known as Nature in June 2005, anonymously polled thousands of NIH (national institute of health) funded scientists. 20% of them admitted to participating in scientific misbehaviors in the last three years. 20%!!! If 20% will anonymously admit it, how many more wouldn’t admit it at all?

What about the Los Angeles times reporting some NIH scientists are moonlighting for pharmaceutical companies? How are these scientists maintaining objectivity in their studies when they are moonlighting or have questionable pasts?

Like I said, I usually don’t mean it when I say “conspiracy theory” but this time, I do.

And in the spirit of education, I encourage everyone to do their own research. www.abortionbreastcancer.com is FULL of info as well as the studies, who they were done by and even some slides showing the tissues, etc.

Poem: Magnetic Poetry

A delicious song of love
spoken to an innocent heart
A fever promised,
this rhapsody woman dances
Smiling angel with a firey emotion
Overwhelming pleasure of a language understood

Oh, devoted power, sweet honor of caress
Infinite night ward off the morning dew
Tender moon drink up the light
Give sacred bloom its respect

To All The Women In My Life….

You have all taught me (and continue to teach me) so much and have helped mold me into the person I am today. Still imperfect, but loved and supported and very, very blessed.

Granny, thank you for being who you are. You are strong-willed and determined. You have lived a long life, full of its ups and downs and in doing so you have taught all of us the values we now cherish. Faith, strength, love, honesty, gracefulness. I will always remember you quietly nodding as one spoke. I will always remember you telling me my afghan was way too large and making me shorten it against my will (it’s still too big, but I didn’t want to listen). You are simplicity. Things are as they are and with you what we see is what we get. You gave me the ability to speak my mind when I saw fit and although some would agree that this is not always an admirable trait, but I beleive it is one of our best.

GG Spooner, words cannot express the love and admiration I have for you. You are a silent strength and a voice of light in the darkness. You have a grace about you that any women would envy. You show us all what it means to be a wife, mother and grandmother. Your quiet, gentle spirit envelops me with comfort. Your guidance, gentle but brutally true, is always appreciated. You’re so engrained in my heart and I only hope my life will someday echo yours. Thank you for your loving kindness, your grace and faith, your time and patience, your hand when needed and most importantly, your wisdom.

My Great Aunt Lois, also such an exemplary soul, modeling faith and love, patience and kindness. Thank you for your acceptance, your kind words, your gentleness. You too have been a shining example of a mother and wife. You are a dear wonderful women and I am proud to call you my “Great” aunt.

Mom, I have seen you struggle through the years and pull through it all. You have always been a source of strength and humor through difficulties. Your acceptance has saved me from many situations. Your love and grace drew me closer when I expected to be pushed away. Your faith, strong and unwavering, brought us through it all. You taught us all to live with integrity, honesty and strength. A strength unmatched by any other. You taught me to value life and all that God has given me. You taught me to pray and stand firm. You supported my uniqueness and gave me my own will. You encouraged me to swim upstream,makes waves when neccessary and stand up for myself, those around me and what I beleive in. I know you struggle now, but I also know you will overcome. That’s just what we do.

Aunt Toni, you also have the same strength. Enduring trials, heartache and abuse but coming out of it with humor and hope. You represent hope to me. I have never seen you give up or give in. You love and give when you have nothing left. You see the best in everyone and accept them with faith. You are simple and beautiful, inside and out.

Aunt Teddi, there is no one like you and I’m sure you know that. You represent independence. You are never afraid to speak your mind and stand firm in your own convictions. You are a strong individual, with a strong sense of self. You conquer the world head-on and with laughter. I love your honesty and your humor. Your fun nature can always be counted on, as can your support, love and acceptance.

Leah, you are not just my big sister, but my best friend. You are a light in a dark room. The self-proclaimed “Prodigal Sister”. Your laughter and love are contagious. You too have endured many trials and have almost lost yourself inside of them. But you emerged, more beautiful and endearing then before. You are a piece of me, my biggest support, my strongest ally. When you leave, this town will grow a little dimmer, as will our lives. But we love you and do want you to be happy, even if we won’t be able to see it every day. You do have my support, although I may never admit it aloud.

Tracy, you are a strong woman to put up with my brother. You are a good mother, as evident in your girls. And a good wife, supporting your husband. You have always put such a priority in family and children with a patience I envy. You are a quiet soul and I feel like the best is yet to come in your life and in yourself.

Autumn, you have such a gentle spirit. You love and accept without waver. You have a quiet hope and I admire that. Your faith is steady and enduring and you have always maintained a positive outlook on yourself and those around you. Yet you are always able to see and speak the truth, a trait much needed. You have a wisdom uncommon and a strong sense of morality. You are not just the “Pedestal Sister” but a pillar in our family.

Carley, I know and understand you more than you realize. I know you are trying hard to find yourself and I wish that I could carry your burden or accomplish your msision, but I can’t. But I can tell you what I see in you that you may not see in yourself. You are a source of laughter and fun. A beautiful women with intelligence and creativity that outshines all else. You have never been afraid to speak your mind. And you have not, until now, been a person who wavers. I know you have hurt and are hurting. I know how vulnerable you feel, although you let on to be stronger (which I know you are or can be again). We all have our struggles, things that may haunt us or hurt us. We have all felt void. And at some point, you will return to the one thing that can fill that void. Until then, I will continue to love you and be your sister. You will always be the “Baby Sister”.

Arianne, how can I possible express the admiration I hold for you? You are beautiful, intelligent, quick-witted, funny. (No wonder we’re friends!) I see such independence and strength in you. I admire your tenacity, your will, your beliefs, your constant drive to better youself, to learn and discover. You are such an awesome, beautiful person, in every way and I am honored to call you my friend.

Maggie, yet another wonderful friend I am priveleged to know. It is awesome to have a friend that not only understands my soap-boxes but supports them wholeheartedly. You are who you are and are unapologetic about it. You see only the postive in every situation and put an upbeat spin on all of it. I have rarely heard you speak a word of anger or frustration without you following it up by saying it’s a blessing. I especially admire the way you have grasped on to what God has called you to do without doubt or fear. Your faith is amazing and I thank God for our friendship.

Kristin, my “oldest” friend. It’s so wonderful to have you back in my life. It is strange to have known someone for so long and yet need to get to know them all over again. What I have seen in you thus far is amazing. You are obviously a very strong women, in your life and your faith. So few people have the courage to do what you have done and are wanting to do. So many proclaim the need for change and then become idle in the thought of what is necessary. But you have taken God calling on your life with excitement. I admire who you’ve become and I thank God that He has given us another chance at friendship.

Poem: Mother’s Day

Revisited in the spirit of the holiday……(I wrote this for my mom in ’02)

Lord, we pray,
Grant us what she has…
An ounce of her faith to move mountains
A sliver of her strength to lift tons
A drop of her courage to face the darkest times
Her determination to get it done
Her nurturing love and encouragement
To be ourselves, to do our best
We our ourselves to her
We rise up and call her blessed

Poem: Childish Pettiness

Childish pettiness born of a simple greed
Ridiculous anger on your face I read
Silly competition as if you think I care
But what angers me the most are the things I wouldn’t dare

Selfish slander of another’s pride and joy?
Trying to outcast, to ruin?
Is my failure your whole ploy?
Disrespect, outlandish threats to those you really need?
Is all of this your attempt to make sure you succeed?

I’ve never spoken ill of you
Not one word against your name
Do I really threaten you enough to need to play this game?

Metta, loving kindness, that’s always what I gave
Now I’ll gracefully step back and let you dig your grave
I won’t let you bother me
I’ll wash me hands of this
Just one thing to keep in mind as you enjoy your lonely bliss

You know as well as I do, just how Karma goes
The proud will fall
It’s all full circle
You’ll walk the path you chose.

Poem: Spirit

It’s not a shout it from the rooftops kind of feeling
I don’t feel like dancin in the road
It’s the love you feel from worship
The joy when praises flowed

It’s not complex like some love
Or a fear of the unknown
It’s the understand from your talk with God
When His plans are what He’s shown

It’s after the inital terror
of what He’s asked of you to do
Has shooken you up, freaked you out
But slowy passed right through you

You’re left with a renewal,
A sense of calm, of clean
A wide open passageway
No rock or hard place you’re between

We can start our new road
A stronger path to walk
And all because we chose to listen
When He chose to knock