do you know me now
am i recognizable
i assume i am
but would you still see me
as the little girl
i used to be
the one who did your makeup
although i don’t remember
more than the photo
that shows your smile
and what i perceive
hope
is a look of endearing love
even though i put pigtails in your hair
i don’t hold many memories
of you
of us
although i do remember
when you held my seat
as i learned to ride my bike
i was awfully upset when you let go
when you said you wouldn’t
even if i didn’t fall
do you know where i was
when you died
hiking angel’s peak
at zion
on Earth Day
the same hike
we went on when i was little
i wish i could remember it
or know where i was
or what i was seeing
when you let go
maybe it was something
we once saw together
i’m sorry
for my last words
for my passive-aggressive tone
for implying
you weren’t enough
i swore
i would never let myself
lose another person
with things left unsaid
without telling them i loved them
but I made one mistake
i always thought
we’d get the call
and i would be there
to hold your hand
and whisper
it’s okay
as you slipped away
instead
you died alone
in your chair
and i never got the chance
to tell you i was sorry
to tell you i forgive you
for being human
and ask you to forgive me
for being the same
i still wonder
what you would think
who you would’ve voted for
or what you would say
about my crazy ideas
or my hair
would you listen
and agree
and tell me I’ll always be
your little girl
or would you chuckle
or shake your head
or debate
like we used to
for months
after you passed
i heard your voice
say my name
and i’d want to call you
but then remembered
i couldn’t
i don’t hear you anymore
and i never forget
your gone
but i still miss you
immensely
and i still regret
your worse fear came true
and you died alone
© Tara Wagner April 22, 2009
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My name is Tara. I am a mama and a lover, a full-time nomad, a passionate devourer of Life and an Organic Life Coach.
Oh Tara, I am so sorry. This brought tears to my eyes.
(((((((tara))))))))
Very touching…. We always think we’ll have time….
*tears*
He didn’t die alone- you were and are forever in his heart.
Very, very touching. That’s why I love the song “In the living years”…
*hugs*
:*(
Thank you.
That was beautiful, Tara, the words and the photos.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Tara. And that you carry around a regret so painful. My dad and I get along, I guess, but we see the world very differently and he probably does think I’m a little strange. Your post has inspired me to make sure he knows how much I love him, no matter how different we are – not matter how many mistakes he’s made. Because he’s my father…and because we never know when it will be too late. Thank you, friend. Sending you lots of love. xo
(((hugs))) to you. My father and I were planning a big trip – like “hike Nepal” big – and I thought we had plenty of time even though he kept urging me to look at brochures and websites. I mean, I have kids – I was busy, you know? We never took that trip. Who knew he’d be gone way too soon.
“i was awfully upset when you let go
when you said you wouldn’t
even if i didn’t fall”
Love this line. It says what parents have to do, doesn’t it? If we don’t let go, then we aren’t letting our kids “do” their lives. I’m sorry you lost your dad too soon. I’m glad you have the memories you do. Have a blessed Father’s Day. I hope Justin enjoys his first “official” day.