Reflections of Me 6

It’s well past midnight and in a few short hours I’ll have been up nearly 24 hours, most of those spent working hard on the house in preparation for the sale tomorrow (er, today). My eyes are itching, my nose running and my throat congested from the dust we’ve stirred up, and while I should be sleeping I can’t because my husband convinced me I’d be needing some caffeine to keep me going. So, although I’m physically exhausted, I just can’t fall asleep.

We were suppose to sleep in the RV tonight for the first time, but we’re not. Instead we’re sleeping on our soon-to-be-sold mattress, bare of any sheets and with whatever blankets we hadn’t already placed in Benny’s care, too tired to retrieve. And if I’m honest with myself I must admit I’m a bit nervous to do otherwise. It’s not the RV I’m nervous about – it’s more the giant step of making it official. I’m not sure what it is about this bed, in this room, in this house that is holding onto me. But there is a small part of me that is nervous to say goodbye. So I suppose I’m hanging on a bit longer, at least until this mattress is gone and my options are whittled down to the floor.

And some more

This is it. Our things are slowing making their way out our doors and soon so shall we. We’ll leave behind the garden we worked so hard on, the dogs we love (they have been rehomed to family, so at least we’ll see them again), our home for the last five years. I’ll take one last photo of the door marked with my child’s measurements before we close it behind us for good.

I guess it’s natural for a bit of fear. Or apprehension? I’m honestly not sure anymore what this is I’m feeling. I’m so excited for the adventure and opportunities before us, but unsure what to expect.

Traveling full-time for an undetermined amount of time brings with it a certain lack of stability. Can we find a way to feel at peace on the road? Might it not be possible to feel a security that comes from within…or at least from the people we choose to travel with? These are the things I wonder at 2am.

Dirty Mirrors

I hope so. I hope that *we* become each others security, rather than the false sense we derive from the “sticks and stuff” we surround ourselves with.

As I look around at all our things tagged and arranged, it’s impossible for me to not feel a bit detached from it. I’m in disbelief at what begins to look like “junk” – odds and ends and sometimes, even trash; we’ve thrown out boxes of trash. Broken, ripped, or simply objects without use. How did we have so much trash in our home, hiding beneath beds, or in attics and cupboards? It’s ridiculous! It’s utterly insane to see the shit we’ve piled into this house, things we didn’t know we had or have no idea where they came from. And we didn’t even feel like we had that much!

I’ll be happy when this is over, when our connections and communications are restored and we can breath easier (quite literally *cough*) for the next week and enjoy the company of friends and family and each other. It’s hard to stay connected when you can barely think, let alone talk or collaborate. All we’ve managed is to chug along, happy just to remember to eat.

Reflections of Me 7

But this phase is soon to be over…and that’s when the giant question mark begins. Is it any wonder I want to sleep in my queen size bed one last time; I need a bit of familiarity while our entire lives and relationships undergo this transformation.

26 Replies to “Reflections”

  1. Stay strong, stay focused and enjoy your journey……. Much love for your wonderful adventure……..who knows what lies ahead of you? You will surely grow from this wonderful journey………. And, this is the ‘home educating’ experience of a lifetime for your son…….

    Keep us updated with your adventures and experiences….. Much respect for what your are doing xxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. I really have a lot of faith in you and your journey, grown from just the last several months since I discovered your blog. (Ah, what luck!)

    I like the retrospective that you did with the photos. That seems spot on. Disco!

    We, your readers and friends, shall help to hold you up, if you need it, during this time of adjustment, but I think that you’re always going to land on your feet. ๐Ÿ™‚


  3. OMGosh, this post put me back almost exactly one year ago, when we spent the last night in our NY house before leaving for our adventure in Costa Rica. I can still feel all those crazy feelings in my stomach – the excitement, but also disbelief, worry, etc.

    My guess is that your family will be OK, and probably happier and stronger for your coming experience. Costa Rica was similar to your coming RV adventure because we disconnected ourselves from all family and community (except online). It was hard in some ways. But also such a learning experience. Can’t wait to hear more of how it goes for your family!

  4. Best wishes to all of you. I so wish I could come help you with your sale. I hope you guys will make it North to see us soon. ๐Ÿ˜€ Bon Voyage!

  5. I would be apprehensive, too. I get attached to homes, too–or whatever feels like a home, not just a house. But I’m sure you’ll enjoy your new home. It’ll be a fun adventure.

    Good luck on the sell and getting your stuff together! ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. I have faith ya’ll can do this – I mean serious faith here!

    And I second Heather – hope ya’ll make it up our way soon ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities… because it is the quality which guarantees all others.
    Winston Churchill

    Your adventure inspires me, and I believe many more than you will ever know or hear from.



  8. Wow – it’s happening! You’ve done such an amazing amount of work in a short amount of time to get to this point. Well done. Looking forward to your adventures from the road.

  9. aack! I guess I haven’t been by in a while – had no idea you were doing this!
    It’s not time for me today – but someday. er… probably temporarily. ๐Ÿ™‚ Definitely a root girl. :/

  10. Its all happening and you are finally at the threshold. I’m excited and a little scared and I’m not even the one doing it!

    The mirror pictures are great! Very cool

  11. Oh sweet friend…these are the hard days. You have an amazing experience ahead of you, but it will take time to ease into it. Be gentle with yourself and GET SOME SLEEP!! Matt said the sale went really well today…hoping we can get together soon. xxoo

  12. My favorite quote by Pema Chodron goes something like, “fear is natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” I love it, it has been a guiding light to me over the last few months. One of the best things that we ever did as a family was take the summer (between college ending and work beginning) and spend it on the road. You learn so much about yourself, about the ones you love, and about your connection to the world around. My fingers and toes are crossed that the sale will go well. I cannot wait to hear about all the new adventures you are about to discover. ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. Good luck with everything! Can’t wait to hear more about your journey ๐Ÿ™‚ Are you going to post photos of Benny when he’s all done? I’d love to see!

  14. Tara, I so know how you are feeling, and I am almost jelous. I love this “last step before takeoff”. I wish you the most awesome adventure, which I trust you will have, both external and internal. Much love from Petra

  15. “I hope that *we* become each others security, rather than the false sense we derive from the โ€œsticks and stuffโ€ we surround ourselves with.”

    This is exactly how I feel as we go through all our belonging, greatly reducing our stuff in preparation for a simplification/move.

Comments are closed.