When was the last time you had something only for you?
Not something you did because you “should” do it…
Not something you love and decide to turn into a business on the side…
Not something you teach…
Maybe something you don’t even share with the world?
I’ve got entrepreneur in my blood. I’ve never had something I wasn’t sharing with the world.
So in answers to the question of whether or not I’m going to be selling or teaching art at some point in the future, first let me say…hahahahahahahahaha. As if I know what I’m doing enough to share much of anything.
And second, no.
In fact, I’m consciously working on nurturing this as something I don’t “share”, don’t teach, don’t sell. It’s something just for me. To feed my soul. To nurture me. It’s mine, and maybe I’ll show my process from time to time, but only if it feeds me and makes me excited to do so.
I’ve watched tendencies of making things I love into things that are then expected of me. I’ve ready to let that go, to release the voice in my head that says anything is expected of me, to allow myself something that is only for me.
I find myself sharing and not giving two rips about whether anyone “likes” it on Instagram. In fact, I love it so much I “like” it myself! I look at my own photos of the art I’ve made whenever my own art isn’t right in front of me, and I marvel at what is beauty and expression and ohmyfreakinglord can I say “color and texture” one more time? I still am not sure why those two words speak such volumes to me, except perhaps they explain the tangible, the depth, the movement happening in my spirit.
It’s a beautiful thing when you come to love who you are and what you do to such an extent that what others think not only doesn’t cross your mind, but the idea that others might not agree makes THEM look like the weird ones. Because how can a person fathom self-love without it being obvious to the world?
And so my weekends and evenings have become mine again, with ephemera spread across the room (and paint getting on Justin’s handmade table – oops!), and I just wonder at the paint beneath my nails, and how I never knew the joy of doing something without an end in sight, without a goal, except the desire to thoroughly enjoy the process.
This past weekend was even more magical…
Justin and Zeb headed out of town for a regional Yugioh tournament, and I sunk into a quiet weekend, playing life as a single woman, eating and sleeping and waking on my own schedule, playing with my sweet pups, watching movies the guys never want to watch, cleaning, organizing and finally feeling as though I’ve moved into this house…and of course art, art, and more art.
I’ve found I make a really good single person. I enjoy the quiet and the independence. I even take better care of myself when there is no one else around. I’m not even “guilty” to admit, I didn’t miss them. I knew they were having fun, I knew I was enjoying myself, and it was all enough.
And when my boys arrived home I greeted them with hugs and gluten-free brownies and it was perfect.
Justin and I talked later that evening. We have a little tradition of getting french fries at a drive-thru and sitting in the parking lot talking. We talked about that sense of independence, being on our own (something we didn’t do since we fell in love so young), and the joy and comfort of the experience followed by the joy and comfort of coming back together.
There is such ease and flow in those small trips away from one another, trips we make for ourselves.
When was the last time you gave yourself that?
When was the last time you turned it all off and tuned in to whatever the hell you wanted to do, just for you?
When was the last time you did something without an eye on how it would appear, or what you could turn it into, or whether or not you should feel guilty about it?
When was the last time you “indulged” in pure, decadent, self-nurturing…soul food for nothing but your own good.
It doesn’t have to be major. It just has to be something.
And I’ve finding, it has to be often, and it has to be protected firmly, honored fiercely, and held with the utmost respect.
Who is one person who couldn’t dream of breaking a date with? I challenge you, just for a day, be that person.