My baby boy is now a 10 year old. And just like was promised to me the first time I held him in my arms, it went by too fast. The past several days have sent me into a tailspin of emotions and memories as I reminisce, wonder…and yes, cry. Often.
I compare the size of his feet to the tiny baby feet in my mind. I ruffle his long, tangled hair and remember his first haircut. I think of his sweaty boy hands and remember when they wanted to hold mine, no matter where we were.
I think about the time we lost; the years we parented strictly and the trust I’m still gaining back, nearly three years later. I played the ”mean mommy” I was encouraged to be. I felt I had to control him, punish him, distance myself from him when he cried for me. I stopped co-sleeping and breastfeeding much too early. I smacked his tiny hand if I felt he did something wrong. Is it any wonder he began to pull it away from mine?
But the past years of peaceful parenting are such a salve to my regretful heart. The joy, the mutual respect and cooperation, the forgiveness, the relationship. I hold so dear the memories we’ve made since, as we’ve laughed together, learned to listen to each other and loved with an acceptance that runs deeper than I thought possible.
Yesterday morning as Zeb slept past his birth time and I quietly watched him breathing, my thoughts went to my own father and the many years we lost. Was he reminded to enjoy it before it was gone? Did he ever slow down long enough to watch me sleeping? Did he reminisce of the days when my love for him wasn’t buried beneath years of pain and layers of resentment? He spent so much time telling me who to be and how to be it, throwing advice my way instead of compassion, hurting me instead of holding me. I can’t even recall the last time I had hugged, or even touched him. And then he was gone and the child inside still hurts for her dad.
I look at Zeb’s fluttering eyes and feel the pain my father must have felt. It’s flying by and nothing I can do will stop it. Every time I see my son wince at my tone or my impatience, I see the moment I’ve lost to connect with him, hold him, love him. Will we ever go so long without hugging or touching? I enter a room to see he’s grown another inch or made another mental leap and my heart panics if I know I’m repeating the past and not making the most of the few moments I have left. But I’m fortunate enough to know how to slow things down, to relish in the laughter, to love unconditionally and build our relationship on it.
These last ten years have been full of pain and laughter, moments of frustration and days of joy, a sense of failure and overwhelming feelings that this life is perfect. And just like I was promised, I miss every single moment that has passed. I miss rocking him to sleep and the times he wouldn’t stop crying. I miss the one million questions and the clinging toddler I tried to peel away from me long enough to use the restroom. I miss the sweet baby smell and the toddler smell of “cookies and dirt”. I so badly miss the years we lost, where I was too busy to look at what he had drawn me or built “all by himself”.
If there is anything that I most wish to inspire in others, anything that anyone takes away from my blogging, please let it be this:
Nothing – not social expectations, not educational advancement, not good behavior – NOTHING matters so much as the love and compassion we give our children; as the relationship we build with every word, look, tone or reaction; as the trust they have in us; as the memories we leave our sweet babies long after we’re gone.
We only have this moment to show them our unconditional love and it’s already fleeting.
My name is Tara. I am a mama and a lover, a full-time nomad, a passionate devourer of Life and an Organic Life Coach.
What a beautiful Post! I feel the same way about my oldest daughter. She is coming up on 5 soon. I regret those years I can’t get back. But I cherish the relationship we have now and the one we are developing.
I am learning to stop and enjoy the moment, no matter what I’m doing that I think is so important. I stop and be with my girls. I’ll never get this time back and I want to enjoy it.
You have a beautiful blog. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Happy Birthday Zeb!
I LOVE what you say at the bottom there. This is a truth that can’t be imparted often enough. It is so TRUE! It’s one of those things that should be given in a little note to every parent when they have a baby! Because sooner or later, we all realize this love, the quality of the relationship, the respect and the good memories… these things ARE the bottom line. Sadly, many of us find this out much too late.
Thank you for sharing what you share (again!).
Aww very well said. And as a mother of 5 children, ages 6, 11, 19, 21 and 23… I agree… 5x over.
I love reading your post! Just like you, I also “miss every single moment that has passed” with my daughter from the time I give birth. Thanks for sharing this to us.
I seriously got teary-eyed reading this. I think even people who don’t have children can take something away from this post; Live in and appreciate the moment.
Yeah, great post and all but…. lok at your hair!!!!!!! lmao Seriously… gorgeous and important words. Much too much regret, but that’s understandble. How fortunate you all have been, to discover peaceful parenting. How many don’t? I cherish that I’m a mindful mama from the start, even if I don’t always get it perfectly, that’s ok. Mindful doesn’t mean perfect. Zeb is still young, and you are so giving to him. What matters is the Momnt, and the next small step. Happy day of birth to you both.
You’re right Mon. I think the guilt comes from the scars that are still evident in Zeb. His experiences at school and the way we added to them (not giving him that “soft place to land”, compounding his feelings that the world was against him) changed him and his view on the world. It’s still something he struggles to overcome and it’s very hard knowing I could have helped him avoid it all by simply listening to my intuition. I don’t usually let it get me down but at times like this – with so many thoughts and emotions running high within and around me – it’s hard not to look back and see it *all*, good or bad.
Happy Birthday Zeb, enjoy the wonderful Mom you have!!
It’s a good thing that I’m alone in my cabin where I can’t be seen with tears in my eyes… this really hit home. Beautifully said Tara.
Congratulations! I love the old photos (and the short hair
Five years has just flown by for my boy and I can only imagine I’ll blink once and find myself posting about his 10th birthday. Oh my 
(PS I’ve given you the Kreativ Blogger Award. Check it out: http://infinitelearners.com/kreativ-blogger-award/)
I find it interesting that you emphasize the word “relationship.” In the early months of my son’s life, I was always worried about getting it “right.” Then my husband told me that he believed it was the relationship you had with your children that was the most important thing. It still helps me to remember that.
Thank you. Your post really touched me.
I’m exhausted parenting my 3 month old girl and 3 year old son full-time with little help, and sometimes I am so tired I am short with him and see the hurt in his eyes when he says Mom, don’t you love me?
And you are right. The years will fly by and no matter how tired and frustrated, we should cherish each day with our children and show them how much we love them.
Thank you. I will slow down and smell the roses tomorrow and hopefully forever, and I have 3 beautiful ones…..
I know you posted this a while ago but I just came across it, and I just wanted to let you know that I could see myself in your every word. I am a mother of three beautiful children and with each learned more and more, and I too gave in to society’s expectations for a long time, with some of the kids longer than others, even though in my heart it did not feel right. So now here I am hoping to repair the damage and turn over a new leaf, I was very young when I first became a parent, and I had so much to learn, now that I am older, although still learning, I know that some of my ways were flawed.
This made me bawl, infact, it’s hard to write because I’m still crying. My daughter is only 6 months, and I’m so scared of the days flying by like that. It’s already going by too fast.