Ready for the bangs to go…

My dreads and I have been together for two years. Compared to the first year, it really doesn’t seem like much has changed.

I fluctuate between no ‘poo and shampoo and have been experimenting with liquid soap nuts. It would probably be good if I made up my mind, but I’m a creature of non-habit when it comes to this. I have noticed a change in the amount of dandruff since we’ve been on the road and I’m assuming it has to do with a combination of softer water and less drying climates.

It doesn’t feel as if they’ve done any growing but my bangs have and I’m ready to say goodbye to them.

Day One, Year One and Year Two

The meaning and lessons they teach me are the same and are still a near-daily occurrence. (Some people never learn. ) I’m still understanding a lot about judgment, self-acceptance and vanity.

I’ve had a few times this past year where I was ready to pick up the scissors and say goodbye. One particular incident had me feeling so completely self-conscious I faced almost a month of doubt:

Two days before Christmas, Zeb and I ventured out to the stores. I really should have known better – crowds and craziness overwhelm me. I was doing good though, handling what was coming my way until we walked down one particular aisle in one particular store looking for one particular item.

A woman and her teen daughter were there and I watched them for a moment. They were gorgeous in a matching sort of way that made me smile for them. Their hair was curled the same, their clothes were trendy, their makeup perfect. They were talking animatedly and by their demeanor you could tell they were close and enjoying their shopping trip together.

But then the daughter took one looked at me – perhaps she saw my frizzy, unwrapped dreads, lack of makeup and casual clothes – and she leaned over and whispered to her mom who looked my way, rolled her eyes and made a loud comment to her daughter that simply crushed me.

I don’t even remember the exact words now (something about my childhood, I think), nor do they really matter. What hurt was in one glance she assumed she knew my life story. She made a snap judgment about me based on my outward appearance, disregarding anything else she could have taken in – the smile I had given them moments before, the connection I had with my son as we looked for his dad’s gift, the tired look in my eyes that said it had already been a long morning.

It wasn’t the only negative encounter I had that day; after all it was two days before Christmas and everyone was stressed. But it was the one that set my mood for the following week. And by the time I got home and was in tears from the affect of the stress, it was the only experience I was really crying over. (Thank goodness for loving husbands and their comforting embraces.)

For several weeks the judgment I felt lingered over me. I allowed their hurtful comments to make me feel ugly and doubt myself and all that I do.

But beneath my doubt and my hurt feelings the same words kept echoing:

21. Let go of what others want me to be and Just Be Me

I put the desire out there. I stated what I wanted to do. But I had no idea my resolve would be so quickly tested.

I remembered something I wrote almost four years ago about the impact one particular woman had on me.

So I was watching “So You Think You Can Dance”…I don’t know why but I always get sucked into the auditions and lose interest in the actual competition.

Anyway, there was a girl on there that was, well….unique. She had this red/orange/bleachy looking hair and a very eccentric attitude. Instantly I loved her. You could tell dance was her self-expression. And through the choreography, you could see her start to break down. She just couldn’t do it. They put her up on the chopping block because of it and asked her to redeem herself by dancing in her own style to prove she could dance. And well, she went nutsy. Flailing, running, really indistinguishable.

But here’s what resonated with me: They called her crazy and she was deeply thankful for that. She said she felt like she was losing herself in the choreography and admitted her craziness and even looked relieved when they cut her. (I was PMSing so I cried with her. It was great.)

And then I started thinking. Do I love me enough to lose a huge opportunity because it might make me a little more like the rest of the world?

Or maybe I should’ve ask Do I love me enough to risk my feelings being hurt by someone who doesn’t know me well enough to judge?

How I Tend To Wear Them These Days

Well, I didn’t shave my head, nor do I still want to. So I guess I can answer that question with a resounding Yes! I realize now that authenticity – or whatever this is driving me to the brink of insanity – isn’t always easy or accepted or appreciated.

But authentic is the only thing I can be.

P.S. I have a super cool dready giveaway from Sand and Sky Creations coming up soon! Stay tuned!