Acceptance | The Organic Sister

Evicted (and moving through it)

October 21, 2010 By TheOrganicSister

There is a reason I’m a writer. It’s how I process and understand where I am and Who I Am and what’s going on. I write not because I already have all the answers (although I do believe we all always have our own answers when we’re ready for them), but to find the answers in my heart.

I know myself. I know that I will be stuck until I have two things: a platform to express and the validation that Where I Am is okay. This blog gives me the first; my husband and all of your deep, thoughtful and soul-dripping comments give me the second.

There are times when we need to mope and be in the thick of it (we can’t get through it without going through it). It’s where I’ve been the past few days. Then there are times when Life snorts at your experience and throws another into the mix and you have little choice but to roll with it.

Yes, just less than 24 hours after the first blow, we were dealt another. And again, in reality, it’s not a really big deal. But when you’re already neck-deep in yuck, it sure feels like a kick in the teeth.

Yesterday we got a notice that we are not allowed to park Benny in front of my parent’s house. We had 72 hours to move. 72 hours to do what we wanted another two weeks to accomplish.

Oh trust me, I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry and throw a fit and curse the neighbor who complained. But I kept my composure…there were people present after all. Instead, I acquiesced to the moment, scraped my heart off the floor and allowed the experience to propel me.

Movement through madness is a healing salve.

As your kind words poured in, we packed up our household and moved it all into my parent’s garage. As your comments brought me to tears, we moved our clothing into their spare room. As I absorbed your love and your Truth, we got Benny ready to move - without us.

I felt a little like a person getting ready to take her dog to the pound. Guilty and apologetic and tearful. We are attached after all, Benny and I. He’s my Dream-maker, my first liberator, and moving on from that grips at my chest.

Last night, with Zeb at a sleepover with his Gramma, Justin and I slept in Benny for the last time. And as we laughed and reminisced, in my heart I started to let go of my fear.

With the threat of entrapment still lingering over my dreams, watching Benny lumbering behind me down the road and leaving him behind at my father-in-law’s home for the time being took a lot of deep breaths. It was scary. On one hand it’s a necessary step. In order to get the new rig, we have to let the old one go.

But in letting Benny go I was relinquishing my freedom. For awhile at least, I have no means of escape. He’s my last tangible tie to life on the road. And that, my friends, takes a large heaping of Trust.

I’m breathing deep. I’m trusting my dreams are real and valid and happening. I’m trusting our perseverance and ingenuity to keep us from stagnancy in this place we so badly don’t want to be. I’m (just barely, mostly unwillingly, hardly contentedly) trusting the timing of it all. And I’m trusting we are loved and not alone in this, too. I’m not alone in this.

Alone is a scary place to be. But I know it’s a place I choose. I push companionship away when I hurt. I hurt myself deeper, really. But I am loved and blessed. Justin knows me. He knows to hold me when I tell him I want to be alone. He gives me the space to Be and the space to grow, a space that just happens to be within his arms. And my once battered heart is reminded again that it’s a safe place to be.

Life is challenging me, offering a long-avoided opportunity to heal. It’s requesting I stretch in order to grow. These are my growing pains. This is my growth spurt. As hard as it is to say at times, I know this place is good.

Filed Under: Organic Tribes, Organic Wisdom Tagged With: acceptance, authenticity, choosing happiness, community, disappointment, fear, freedom, frustrations, love, RV, transitioning, trust, writing

Stranded

September 11, 2010 By TheOrganicSister

Does this look familiar?

Yeah, we’re broke down. This time we were just west of the New Mexico-Texas state line. With the help of a few friends and some prior knowledge, Justin’s pretty sure it’s the injector pump. Unfortunately that’s not something he can fix himself, especially on the side of the road. Thank goodness for roadside assistance! (Yes, we learned that lesson from the last time!)

Now we’re boondocking in a small town in eastern New Mexico, waiting for a service shop to open on Monday.

Overall, we’re taking it in stride. It may compromise our plans to make the BrickCon Lego conference in Seattle at the end of the month and it’s certainly not where we’d prefer to be, but it is what it is. And other than the annoying biting flies, we don’t feel too upset.

What we do feel is perplexed. This past week (since leaving the conference) has been one issue after fiasco after meltdown: torrential rains leading to six leaks and plenty of damage, Justin getting lost on his motorcycle, Zeb having a post-conference meltdown that we didn’t handle very well (feeling pretty meltdown-ish ourselves), and the story goes on. It’s making us all reevaluate our route, wondering if we’re heading in the wrong direction or maybe we just need to s l o w d o w n.

We got to sit in the back…on the driver’s bed. :/

So for now we’re being still, working on that radical acceptance thing and using this opportunity to breath in whatever it is we can from this situation. At least that’s where we are now; we’ll see how we’re all feeling in a few days.

Current Location: small town in eastern New Mexico waiting on a fix.

Filed Under: Life on the Road, Organic Wisdom Tagged With: acceptance, broken down, choosing happiness, disappointment, engine, frustrations, new mexico, RV, this sucks

Reflections of a Time in Flux

December 31, 2009 By TheOrganicSister 12 Comments

Every New Year’s I can look back and sum up the entire year in one word or phrase.

2007 was about Letting Go and Trusting. It was the year I sold my business, the year we embraced unschooling, the year my perspective as a parent changed for the better. It was also the year I lost my dad. And really started to find myself. I think it will always feel like the year my life – my authentic life – started.

2008 was all about Judgment. It was a tough year but I can honestly look back on it with appreciation. It was the year my dreads went in and I learned so much about the judgment of others. There were others choices I made that year – choices I thought I’d never make – that taught me no person nor their decisions can ever be known or understood fully and therefore judgment (in the meanest form of the word) has little place in my heart. It was a hard year. But I feel I’m a better person for experiencing all of 2008.

One of my favorite photos/places of the year.

Looking back at 2009, all I can see is Change. Obviously the last four months have been an unprecedented upheaval. But it started long before that with our plans and Justin’s prediction. It makes for a strange year in retrospect – as if we lived the entire thing in limbo, looking forward while being stuck in (what felt like) our past: the place we’ve always been and don’t want to be anymore.

We changed our entire home, changed dust to real soil, changed our minds a dozen times.

And finally we made the choices that will ultimately change our lives and bring about so much unknown change, it’s overwhelming.

Another word that could describe this year for me is Acceptance. Accepting that which I cannot change and have no control over. Specifically in one area. Although it’s still a work in progress, I’m accepting that pregnancy is not going to happen for us. Seven years and enough losses to still hurt, and I’m ready to let go. Hindsight’s perfect vision is the most difficult here, seeing choices I would have made differently “if I’d only known then...” But I can only spend so much time in painful retrospect while life goes on without me. It’s time to accept what is and move on.

I don’t know what next year will bring, although definitely more change and likely some adventures are in store. There are things I’ll be looking and hoping for – community, connection, direction. But I’m not going to attempt to nail down next year’s purpose. The possibilities are too vast. Instead, I’m trying to remain open to what the road will bring and allow it unfold how it will.

To all of you I’ve “met” through this blog and hope to soon meet in person, I wish you all a phenomenal and memorable 2010.

And may our lives continue to intersect in extraordinary and meaningful ways.

Filed Under: Celebrations, Things To Remember Tagged With: acceptance, changes, judgment, new years, reflection, trust

One Year Later

May 17, 2009 By TheOrganicSister 29 Comments

My one year dreadiversary is today. While I can’t believe it went by so fast, I also can’t believe I’ve only had dreadlocks for one year. I can’t seem to imagine a time before them and I can’t seem to imagine myself without them. I can see myself with long grey dreads and wrinkles and I love it!

The Technical Stuff:

My hair was this long prior to dreading. It took 14 hours of backcombing to start what is a lifelong process.(Backcombing isn’t necessary; another route to take is called “neglect” but I’ll let you Google that.) I made the mistake of using wax on day one. B.I.G. mistake! Wax actually just sticks the hairs together. It does not create real dreads, just the “look” of dreads. Movement and friction is needed for the hairs to actually lock up, so wax is very counter-productive. As a result, my dreads didn’t really begin to show a lot of progress for over 6 months.

At that time, I was able to do a deep cleanse to remove most of it (I’m still constantly removing it) and I saw huge progress after that. They began to shrink in length around 10 or 11 months, as they tightened. Palm-rolling helps them dread, as well as keep the bumps and loopies to a minimum. As you can tell, I don’t do much of that. Backcomb, then mostly neglect for me.

I wash with any non-residue soap: usually Dr. Bronners bar soap, Neutrogena has a no-residue shampoo or a handmade bar soap from the Farmer’s Market. I also use a baking soda and vinegar rinse some days. I need only wash every 5-7 days, which I did prior to dreads as well. Drying is easy in the summer, but in the winter or if there is a lot of humidity (basically never here) I use a blow dryer to thoroughly dry them. (Don’t ask what could happen if they aren’t thoroughly dried.)

The Meaning I Found:

Dreadlocks are a journey and I knew mine was to be a spiritual one. From the moment I felt “it was time” I knew they would bring with them something. I just didn’t know what. I heard so many people talk about the “patience” it taught them. But patience over long periods has never been a challenge for me (in-the-moment patience is another subject).

Now looking back over the year I can very clearly see what it was/is that I’ve been learning. I’ll do my best to articulate it but forgive me I fail:

Judgement:

This has to be the biggest spiritual lesson that my dreadlocks have brought me. Snide remarks when someone thought I couldn’t hear, rolled eyes, hurtful jokes or dirty looks when they saw my hair were not uncommon, both from loved ones and strangers alike. There were people who made me feel ugly. There were plenty who assumed I was unintelligent or smoked pot or liked reggae (okay, I do like reggae but not because I have dreads). Likewise, there were people from whom I was expecting judgement and received none.

This showed me a lot about other people, good and bad. But mostly it was a mirror for me, showing me my own judgement and how often I see the surface of the moment but not the Truth beneath. How can I pass judgement? How can I truly know their heart or what they are going through and whether or not I’m really in a place of knowing them enough to call my assumptions fact? I can’t. I can only assume the best of everyone. I can only send them love and sympathy. I can only forgive and forget. I can only let go of my expectations or preconceived notions and move from a place of not knowing. Any other place is not my place.

Acceptance:

Dreadlocks have a mind of their own. They twist and turn and grab and snag. They loop and bump and flatten out. But such is life. And this too shall pass. I can’t control every nuance of their existence. I can’t force them into something they are not. I can only be in this moment, appreciating what I can and accepting what is. The Serenity Prayer fits my challenging moments well.

Vanity:

There is no possible way to remain vain when you have dreads. I came to recognize my own vanity early in this process. I was terrified to wear my dreads down or uncovered. I was super-self-conscience walking into a room. About 8 months in, I started pushing my own boundaries of comfort – going places with my dreads down and without a wrap. It. Was. SO. Hard. It seemed the entire room would stare at me. Once, upon hearing a very hurtful comment in a store, I forced myself to take them out of their bun and shake them out. Why?

Because this is Who I Am. I’m not here to make someone else love me. I’m not here to be beautiful to anyone but myself and my husband. And he loves my dreads, as do I. In that moment, when I really wanted to hide, I picked myself up, forced myself to be confident. My dreads represent my Spirit: Free and loved and uniquely made. They represent the love of my husband, and the support he gives me as I find the Truth inside myself. They represent my being honest with myself, not conforming to the whims of others and loving myself, just the way I am. And they also represent my non-conformity to the values I wish to be free from.

There have been many times when I looked in the mirror over the past year and wondered what I’ve done. Times when I saw everything those negative commenters saw. But more often than not, I saw a strong woman, learning how to stand apart and in confidence. I saw a different kind of beauty. One that may not appeal to the world but one that fills me with Joy. I saw *Me*, a truer form of myself – true to myself.

I am not my hair.

My hair is me.

[P.S. All dreadlock photos here. I'm going to do a seperate post about all the FAQ I've received over the past year. If you have any questions, ask away and I'll answer those too.]

Filed Under: Organic Wisdom Tagged With: acceptance, authenticity, Dreadlocks, judgment, organic beauty, spirituality

Let go?!

September 13, 2007 By TheOrganicSister

Unschooling has already confronted me with a steady march of my once comfortable ideals and showed them in a less than flattering light. And as I conquer one challenge another is swiftly plopped on my plate to consume. But letting go is by far the toughest to chew. And I can almost forget about swallowing it. The aftertaste is appalling.

But it has become an unavoidable dilemma. It seems to encompass all I do.

My problem lies in my ideals. Quite simply stated, I feel the need to save the world. Oh, there are other aspects of letting go that I’m working on but they pale in comparison to this.

SwissArmyWife stated it best when she illustrated the banging of one’s head on the same damn lamp. How hard it has become to shut my mouth and watch a person bruise or even bleed!

I have come to the realization that some people believe having opinions makes a person too opinionated. That sharing what I love, what has worked for me, what has transformed my life makes me bossy or pushy.

This confounds me. First, I do not talk about my passions simply because I’m trying to change minds. I talk about my passions because I’m passionate about them! They are a part of my life, a part of me and to avoid them in conversation is to avoid conversation all together.

But I never understood until recently that people can be so sensitive to another’s way of life as to assume judgement over their own. Although I’d love to see others having the same success I’m having with what I’m doing, I’m more concerned with others just having success!

And here is where the letting go comes into play. Because their idea of success is night vs. day from mine. And while it breaks my heart, they (and their children) are their own people too. They will find their own path and purpose at some point in life and overcome any negativity they may have encountered along the way. Good can come out of it all, can it not?

They may just need to experience one contrast to find the other. And here is where I must remember that contrast is precisely what I needed. I needed to feel unhealthy to find what healthy really means. I needed to experience school to understand why it is so arbitrary. I needed to overwork to find why money can’t fill my heart. I needed to disconnect with my child to fully understand our connection.

I guess what bothers me the most though, is not that they are experiencing contrast, but that they are content with where they are. Through all my “contrasting years”, I always wanted more, always worked for more, always fought to find what it was I hadn’t quite figured out. I can fully support and appreciate a person with opposite beliefs as me if they come to their conclusions on their own. It is when a person blindly accepts what is given to them without regard to validity that frustrates me.

But again, I have to let go – which may include shutting my mouth and keeping my opinions and my passions to myself. It is difficult when I feel like this option is the equivalent of not offering a life preserver in a storm; to allow a person to flounder and just turn around and face the deck. All I want to do is dive head first into the freezing water and pull them to shore! Not because I think they are wrong but because I truly love them enough to care.

I want to yell with all my might, “Look what I have! It’s beautiful and refreshing and fulfilling! Just grab on and see where it takes you!” And instead I feel as if I’m biting my tongue out of fear of unintentionally offending someone.

I guess instead of being the Coast Guard I should focus on being the lighthouse. With all my might, just shining out with our families radiant joy and hope to G-d someone sees the beacon. Just sit on the shore, at my destination and accept their destination may not be the same.

“Letting Go” has been the hardest concept to grasp.