Connecting With Children (It Doesn’t Have To Be Awkward)

May 16, 2012 By TheOrganicSister 11 Comments

It use to be awkward for me to speak or connect with children.

I would ask them the customary questions: How old are you? What grade are you in? What’s your favorite subject? What do you want to be when you grow up?

(Kinda similar to how I use to talk to adults actually: What do you do? How’s the weather? Time flies huh?)

You know, the kind of questions that you don’t really listen for the answers.

But then I started meeting children who liked to make up their their own age (or name), who didn’t go to school, and who demanded (not with words but with their very presence and the way they experienced life) a whole new kind of interaction.

And it was awkward at first.

I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. It was uncomfortable to be alone with a child I wasn’t related to because there was an expectation of interaction that I didn’t know how to handle (compared to the idea that we don’t have to interact quite as much with children we do know – ack!).

I was realizing today how different that is for me now.

I woke up this morning and immediately upon noticing there was actual SUNSHINE I grabbed my yoga mat and headed out the RV door. I intended to salute the sun all proper like.

We’re camped with our caravan and sitting outside next door was my new friend, whom I call Little Turtle, for we both are learning a lot about our own personal turtle shells. As we greeted I did what I would do with any friend…

I invited her to do yoga by the pond with me.

She grabbed her mat, her brother even came along for a few minutes before he decided he had better things to do, and the two of us saluted the sun together.

Then we laid by the water and just spent time together.

In my past I would’ve felt compelled to ask questions or mentor her in some way (oh the ego!). I would’ve had a different tone in my voice and a direction I felt we should take it (educational no doubt).

But our time together was casual and comfortable instead.

We talked about the water and our favorite colors, and Googled on my phone what different colors mean (she’s all about the happy, creative colors!). We wondered about the weird animal sounds we heard and talked about brothers.

The generations between us didn’t matter. We were just able to BE together, as friends.

And this makes me really happy. I have friends of so many ages and backgrounds and beliefs. And for years I missed out on what these young and wonderful friends bring to my world.

Like the enjoyment of sitting and watching the bugs skimming the surface of the water.

Last night Justin and one of the kids went off to a juggling meetup. An hour driving together, several hours juggling with other adults, and an hour back. As friends. Right now he has a 10 year old friend helping him work on the engine as they talk more about juggling. As friends.

It just makes me smile.

And being authentic has also become easier. Zeb and his new friend (and Little Turtle’s brother) were playing in the RV and I needed to get some work done. They were having fun and talking and I was struggling with overwhelm and feeling distracted.

So I reached out in kindness. “Hey guys, would it be okay if I had the RV to myself for awhile? I’ve got so much work to do.”

“Sure Mom.” “Sure Tara.” And they finished up their game, asked when I thought I’d be done and headed outside with a smile.

In the past I would’ve resorted to demanding they go outside, or just internally huffing and puffing over how I never get what I need until I became resentful. I never would’ve thought I could’ve spoken to them about it in the same way I would speak to my husband. It would’ve been control or martyrdom for me.

I’ve missed out on a lot of time with these incredible friends, especially the incredible friend I have in my 12 year old son. There were lots of things I had to DIG IN to in order to release my own discomfort and fear and superiority: like the emotions or reactions that would come up for me, the old stories about permissiveness, and the kind of connections I really wanted in my life and what had me settling for less.

But most importantly the idea I had learned that only people of the same ages could have real and meaningful friendships together and that adults were meant to lead children, not simply enjoy their presence.

Filed Under: Organic Parenting, Organic Tribes Tagged With: age, authenticity, children, connection, conventional wisdom, digging deep, friends, new friends, overcoming fears

The Great Blog Comment Debate (Why I’ve Turned Mine Off And Back On Again)

April 11, 2012 By TheOrganicSister 12 Comments

I spent the first few years of my blog being on the “For” side of the Great Blog Comment Debate: adamantly for blog comments on blogs. To not have comments seemed pointless (among other things) and I was a little judgmental about it.

Then I spent the last year growing my business and a multitude of reasons shifted my ideas. I’ve now had blog comments turned off on all posts for about 5 months.

Until today when I turned them back on.

I’m going to speak in this post both as a blogger, a reader and an authentic business owner on my experience and experimentation.

Yes. It’s called “fear”.

The Blog Comment Debate Will Vary

Bloggers will adamantly (and sometimes rudely) insist that to have a blog means you “should” have comments allowed, that those comments should go live instantly so no one has to be “approved” (after perhaps a captcha feature to prevent spam) and that every self-respecting blogger should moderate and answer each and every comment themselves.

This leaves other bloggers – the ones who feel drained or uncertain or pulled – by comments feeling as though they are obligated by some unwritten Blog Code of Conduct to overextend themselves, to make others happy, to be accused of “censorship” (really people?) and maybe even give up their blog because it’s become something they didn’t intend – an outlet for others instead of an outlet for themselves.

Business owners with blogs will often (and sometimes rudely) insist that comments are a waste of time, rarely add anything of value to the conversation, are a breeding ground for trolls, and that no self-respecting business owner would waste their energy on it.

This leaves new, growing and even established entrepreneurs that are still building their traffic to feel as though they are cutting off a means of connection and growth, to question whether they are playing small, and to start thinking more about the marketing rules than their personal style and doubt their own intuition.

After doing it both ways (and even advising each way), here’s what I’ve found:

Opinions are like butt cracks. Everyone has one and is sure their own doesn’t stink.

But “rules” suck.

There is no right or wrong way.

There is only your needs, and your personal experiences, and what works for you.

Judgment, snark and self-righteousness need not apply.

This is my personal experience, why I’ve turned blog comments off and why I’m turning them back on. Your personal milage will vary.

Why I Turned Comments Off

Time Management: The more my coaching business expanded the more I needed to find ways to balance my time between work, self and family. That meant finding the things that allowed me to spend less time online and more time on the things that made the biggest impact on my life and the life of others.
Reactions vs Reflections: I love reflective comments, questions, conversations…especially the ones where we’re not afraid to ask the questions that may not have a simple answer or that may stretch us. But reactive comments (and I’m specifically talking about the judgmental, snarky, self-righteous ones) aren’t serving anyone (except maybe giving that person a space to vent their own triggers). It’s not my job to answer every rude person; it’s not my job to filter trolls; it’s not my job to host negativity in my (online) home; it’s not my job to spend my energy on energy vampires. It’s my job to connect on a deep level with the people whom I may be able to support, not the ones who just want to argue.
Simplifying: With comments spread between several social media sites, the forums, and email my work time was getting overwhelming. I needed to simplify where it was possible, and blog comments were one of those places.
Deepening Connections: A funny thing happened when I turned off comments. I got more of the most incredible, beautiful emails…deep, authentic, powerful emails for women sharing their Aha moments and thoughts and stories of the amazing things they are doing in the world. Maybe without that immediate ability to leave a simple (public) comment others could sit with their own thoughts longer and therefore share more? Maybe when a personal email was the primary means of connecting it created a safer space to really connect. I don’t know, but it was awesome.
Writing For Me, Not Stats: I found myself writing with what others might say in the comments (or how many comments I might get), instead of writing from my heart and soul. And that’s bullshit. I’m glad I turned my comments off for the last many months to allow me to get back to writing for myself: releasing the fear of making waves (or making friends) and pouring my real heart and soul into my words without worrying about how popular any of it is. I needed to remember that I’m not going for popularity. I’m going for resonance. And turning off comments helped me get back there.

Why I’m Turning Comments Back On

Central Hub: It’s not totally central. Comments will still be found on Twitter and Facebook, but at least with the blog there is a somewhat more central hub for sharing reflections and thoughts, and deepening a conversation between more of us. After all, it’s about Tribes and those connections are part of it.
I Miss The Convo: If there is no immediate place to comment many readers won’t email or comment elsewhere. And I’m missing those connections and the wonderful things such thoughtful comments would inspire in me, or the Wisdom they could share (or the ways they could say it) that add so much more than my words alone.
Simplifying: Don’t you love how this is in both lists? I can do that because their my lists. Comments make it simple and quick to share in that convo. It may not simplify my job, but it simplifies the process of connecting.
Readers Miss the Convo: I hear you. Being able to write out your reflections is often more powerful than just thinking to yourself. Reading something impactful and beneficial without the simple ability to join the convo sometimes means less time to really absorb before we click off to our busy days. I’m glad to be in the space to open up comments for those who miss them.
Making Connections: Knowing the other names, faces and messages of the people reading opens my life up to more ideas, more connections, more possibilities. Those things I love. I’ve missed those connections over the past several months.
Better Time Management Now: When I turned the comments off my plate was freaking FULL and I was working out kinks in my rhythm and systems of support. Now that I have better rhythms, more systems and the wonderful Jennie as my Organic Support Specialist to help me with many admin tasks, including moderating for trolls, I can still focus on my most important tasks: my personal care, my family and personal life, my clients, my creative work within my businesses and connecting with real women sharing real Wisdom with real heart and soul.
Resonance over Reputation: Like I mentioned above, I was writing for comments, and not for me. This isn’t an uncommon reason to turn comments off, although on the inverse: the fear of “too few comments” and how that looks to others. Fear of what others think has held a pretty prominent place in my past (meaning it still pokes it’s head in from time to time), but it’s the fear of my inner Little Girl. And even though I don’t quite feel grownup yet (when does one finally feel like a Grown Up?), me and that Little Girl feel pretty damn comfortable with the fact that that fear is no longer serving our own greatest good or the world. Zero comments don’t freak me out. They don’t make nervous someone will judge me. And what others do in their busy lives is only a reflection of me when I’m making it all about me. My job isn’t to put thoughts into someone else’s mind. It’s to share the intention and thoughts in mine.

Like I said, there is NO “right” way. There is only your personal needs as a blogger or entrepreneur and how you might meet those needs. Yes, your readers have needs too, but your own needs come first (think: oxygen mask).

So my advice: Experiment. Evolve. Do what works for you. Maintain the right to change your mind. Keep authenticity and self-care as your touchstones. Examine your fears and ideas of “should” or “have to”. Then release them.

Do you have comments on or off on your blog? How is (or isn’t) that right for you?

Filed Under: Organic Business Tagged With: authenticity, blog stuff, Connecting, judgment, lists, obligation, overcoming fears, Should/Have To, Systemize and Automate

I use to write poetry, I used to write it for me

March 19, 2012 By TheOrganicSister

I use to write poetry
I use to write it for me
I would climb
To the top of the pine tree
(In front of the house on Powell Street)
With a notebook under one arm
The other barely holding on
And the sap on my feet

And there I’d write words
Words just for me

Whatever happened to that balladry,
The one about the wind wrapping around me?
More importantly
Whatever happened to the pride in me?
The wonder and awe I would see
In the eyes from the mirror
Of a little girl free?
With the scraped knee
And the grand ideas of who I would be?

I use to write poetry
Poetry that was only for me
Words that sang
And excited
And made me love me

I was 10 (or 11 maybe)
What did I know about creativity?
About cocooning my art
My heart
Against unprepared insensitivity?
What did I know about the adult world
of being too busy
too tired
of not taking things personally?

I was 10 (or 11 maybe)
I thought that others would see what I could see
That they would slip into the words I wrote
The wind I felt
The wonder I sensed
That others would celebrate with me

I believed I needed them to see
to feel
to sense
to celebrate
in order for it to be real for me

But the class didn’t see
And Mrs. Whats-Her-Face
That I loved so dearly and now can’t remember her name
Wasn’t even listening

And at 10 (or maybe 11)
I learned to judge me
Only by what others perceive
(Or what I perceive they perceive)
I learned to stop writing poetry
To stop writing it for me
I learned to look for what others might see
I learned to deny me
To call me crazy
To think I’m being weird or silly
To hide me

I unlearned the wind around me
I unlearned the words that whispered softly
I unlearned to shine brightly
For no one else to see but me

For awhile I unlearned how to hug me
And how to celebrate singularly
And how to write according to what I believe
I unlearned that I’m worthy
For no one else but me

I unlearned how to write
My own flavor of poetry
To voice the song within me
To do it for me

But this…
This one is for me

This is the song that’s within me
The words as they speak only to me
The message I seek
That I’m ready to see
The Truth that I know
That I’m ready to be
The voice and the song
That I’m setting free

The practice of my own vulnerability
The practice of my own authenticity
The practice of saying “Fuck it” to the way it “should be”

This…
This is poem for me.

Filed Under: Poetry Tagged With: authenticity, intentions, overcoming fears, shine

Born a Human Being, Not a Chair

November 2, 2011 By TheOrganicSister

I just want him to stay with me until I can be sure he won’t turn into Norman Nothing.

I want to be sure he’ll know when he’s chickening out on himself. I want him to get to know exactly the special thing he is or else he won’t notice it when it starts to go.

I want him to stay awake and know who the phonies are, I want him to know how to holler and put up an argument, I want a little guts to show before I can let him go.

I want to be sure he sees all the wild possibilities. I want him to know it’s worth all the trouble just to give the world a little goosing when you get the chance.

And I want him to know the subtle, sneaky, important reason why he was born a human being and not a chair.

- A Thousand Clowns, Murray trying to explain why he hasn’t put his nephew in school yet

Filed Under: Organic Learning, Organic Parenting Tagged With: authenticity, courage, life, quotes

Is Our Anti-Child Society Your Fault?

August 3, 2011 By TheOrganicSister 39 Comments

We live in an adult-centered, anti-child world where mistreatment of children is considered, not just appropriate, but preferred.

At best, kids are considered loud, messy and exhausting.

At worst, they are considered inherently “bad” and in need of training, which is usually doled out in the form of mental, emotional or physical abuse.

It’s true that children are the only group that is still boldly and legally discriminated against. They are the only people who are legally allowed to be hit, stolen from or held against their will. There is even a movement to ban the “brats” from public places based on nothing but their age.

Think about any of these sentiments said about a particular race and you’ll see my point. It is a very anti-child society we live within.

Of course, all of this instills in children a belief that they are less than, broken or bad. And unless they heal that belief, because children are the only oppressed group who will outgrow their oppression, it’s a belief they will continue to carry into their unoppressed adult life and inform every choice they make, including the treatment of the next generation.

So, we are essentially creating an entire culture of broken, hurting human beings for generations to come.

And I keep hearing so many parents complain about this and the so-called “brat bans”.

We are all appalled and offended when someone speaks condescendingly, assumes a child’s guilt or otherwise passes judgment on them based on their size.

But how many are doing anything about it?

Guess what?

If you want the anti-child treatment to change you’ve got to come out of your hiding places and start talking about.

Not just on Facebook.

Not just on your blog.

You need to start speaking up. At family reunions. At the grocery store. With your best friend. With strangers at the park.

You need to grow some cahones and start creating real awareness by speaking your Truth.

You need to live with Integrity.

Last week I got the opportunity to ask an older gentleman to drop some anti-semetic remarks he was making in front of us.

This was a strong, opinionated man who never backs down. He’s the kind of man that constantly makes racist, classist or sexist remarks and is used to winning arguments. The kind of man no one even bothers arguing with anymore.

I knew all of this going in. I’ve seen how people will sit uncomfortably and listen as he makes these remarks and not say a word, because they don’t feel it’ll help. They all looked pained as they shrug their shoulders and ask “What can I do?”

But I live by my own integrity.

And according to my integrity, all people should be treated with honor and respect and compassion. Even this man who was making anti-semetic remarks.

So with respect for him, I clearly stated that I was uncomfortable with his remarks, explained why and stated that I would appreciate them not happening in front of us.

Because I spoke with respect, not anger or fear, he did what no one had ever seen him do before.

He apologized and said he hadn’t looked at it that way.

We then went on to have a nice conversation for several more hours.

The One Rule To Speaking Your Truth

It doesn’t work when you speak from a place of anger or fear.

It doesn’t work when you fight or demand or criticize.

People shut down when they hear your anger, or feel attacked.

But people hear Truth.

Truth is not angry. It’s not fear-based. It’s not judgmental.

It’s just Truth.

And real Truth comes from a place of love. It comes with compassion and acceptance and gentleness. It doesn’t back down or hide.

And it speaks volumes louder than anger.

If we want to change these anti-child views…if we want to promote respect and love, compassion and kindness…we get to speak out while we set an example of what respect, love, compassion and kindness look like.

We get to live our Integrity out loud.

(And really, if you’re speaking with anger, are you really living your integrity?)

Change doesn’t happen by complaining about it.

Keep this in mind: the reason these anti-child (or racist or sexist or any-ist) sentiments make you uncomfortable is because you’re not living according to your own beliefs, your own integrity, when you don’t speak your Truth.

You’re sacrificing your beliefs to “keep the peace” (what peace?). And that’s uncomfortable!

To live with integrity means to take your authenticity and your Truth out of its box and into the world.

What do you know as Truth? What is holding you back from speaking your Truth with compassion and respect for everyone involved?

Because if you see the abuse and hate occurring towards children – or anyone else – and you do nothing about it…or you increase it with abuse and hatred of your own, whose really to blame here?