Actually Reading Together Changed My Opinion of It

September 26, 2011 By 10 Comments

reading togetherZeb (now 12) and I have been reading together since he can remember.

As soon as he was aware we began sitting together and reading through stories together.

His favorite for the first few years of his life was Time For Bed, by Mem Fox:

“It’s time for bed little mouse, little mouse. Darkness is falling all through the house.”

We all knew it by heart after reading it three or four or seventeen times each night.

Then came Putt-Putt and The Bean Boy as he grew a little older. And then the Little House books, The Chronicles of Narnia, the Animorphs series, Harry Potter and then Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

There were many things in Zeb’s early life that I would rush through and forget to relish, but reading was never one of them.

Perhaps it was because of the memories I have with my mom, cuddling in bed together, her melodic voice telling the story as my eyes followed along the page or dreamily imagined the scenes she described or finally became too heavy to stay open.

She’d probably say my memory is pretty forgiving, but it didn’t seem to matter how busy she was or tired she was; there seemed to always be time for reading together, even if it was only a chapter.

And so whenever Zeb asked for a story or seven, I knew just how important it was to curl up next to him, to create those memories, to say yes as many times as I could.

And then one more time, for good measure.

Now, at 12, he’s spent many months not being interested in cuddling up together and being read to. And as much as I enjoy seeing him grow and change, a part of me was still a little sad at what I thought was the closing of a tradition.

I mean, I knew it would happen. I knew there would be a day when he moved onto other things in his life. But it still felt bittersweet, ya know?

So a few weeks ago, after a hilarious night of Uno playing, when he asked if I wanted to start reading Percy Jackson again my heart smiled as it melted.

One, two, five chapters…we still read until the eyelids get heavy (mine now, instead of his). We read until I begin to see words that aren’t even on the page. We read as we travel down the road, and we take breaks from our individual tasks to read together during the day.

And it’s only now that I see the real value of it.

You see, when he was a baby I read to him in hopes of creating a love of reading. I read to him because it was educational. I read to him because it seemed like the thing a mom should do.

me and zeb, 2000

But looking back over the last 12 years I’ve found that reading together had less to do with learning to read, or learning to love reading. It had little to do with teaching him how to read on his own.

In fact, it had very little to do with books at all.

Looking back over the last 12 years I can see that the books were just a tool to the real benefit of reading together: the time we spent with our heads on the same pillow, the discussions we had as the plot twisted or turned, surprised us or irritated us, the sense of connection that comes from simply being next to one another, sharing a common thought.

We create those bigger and more important lessons and experiences with more than just books. We do it with games, or movies or video games, too.

We, as parents, do it every time we prioritize our kids and what they ask us to do with them over our long day or our big tasks.

Maybe he’ll “outgrow” our tradition again some time. Maybe he never really will.

But since I’m never sure when “just one more chapter” will be our last together, I’ll keep my head rested upon his as he rests his upon my shoulder. I’ll keep brushing down his curly hair so that I can see the page.

And I’ll keep relishing in these simple moments, that are always so much bigger than I sometimes remember they are.

Filed Under: Organic Parenting, Things To Remember Tagged With: , , ,

Off The Beaten Track in Jefferson, Texas

June 14, 2010 By 9 Comments

We’re heading up to Nashville to visit with family for a few weeks. On our way we needed to find a printer and a fax machine for some business of ours. Thankfully, we were tipped off to check the local library.

We travel with a GPS gifted to us by my mama and it is a serious godsend. We searched for nearby libraries and it gave us the ones along our route and a phone number to call and check their services.

Had it not been for the tips and gifts we’ve received, we would never have discovered this tiny little town tucked off Hwy 59 in east Texas and the quaint library I’m blogging from now.

Jefferson Carnegie Library

The library is small and the selection tiny, but it’s air conditioned and the librarian knows her patron’s names and their favorite genres and happily peruses the shelves with them in search of novels or references. While Zeb plays a game and Justin blogs, I’m reading about this town’s first settlers.

Jefferson History Book
Found an old photo of the library, then a museum.

The book is called Jefferson: Riverport to the Southwest by Fred Tarpley (the name, author and call number known by heart by the elderly woman at the desk) and I’ve just finished reading of some of the first settlers to Jefferson (a city that isn’t sure the year it was founded).

Among them were Robert and Harriet Potter, who have quite a story. He was a congressman, released from jail for coining the term Potterizing (criminal emasculation!!) in a jealous fit, just in time to win reelection to the North Carolina House of Commons. Apparently castration doesn’t deem a man unfit of politicking!

Robert Potter was killed by a political rival and vigilante named Rose after Rose heard of his imminent arrest by Potter. But the real scandal came after his will (which had just been written in Austin 3 weeks prior) was read. Potter left his wife a few livestock, household goods and servants, while bequeathing the rest to a married mistress in Austin, Texas!

Yikes! Who knew a history book could read like a novel? I’ve made note of Harriet’s memoirs, Love Is a Wild Assault.* It sounds like a good read already. :)

*This is an affiliate link to Amazon. Anything you order from this link will send a small portion of the price to us at no additional cost to you. Using this link helps me to support my family and continue my blog and I thank you for it!
Filed Under: Life on the Road Tagged With: , ,

The Uproar Over Unschooling

April 21, 2010 By

In case you didn’t know, our family are unschoolers. And in case you’ve been out of the media loop (lucky you), there has been quite an uproar over unschooling in the media the past few days.

It begin when a wonderful unschooling family was very poorly portrayed (through biased editing, condescension and lack of time) on a Good Morning America segment Monday morning. Such a backlash was received (from both the unschooling community over the obvious bias and the community at large over the perceived “hands-off” approach) that GMA invited the family back the next day for a mere 6 minutes of explanation.

Too little, too late on GMA’s part.

The damage had been done Monday morning and the media and public are steaming over something they have barely bothered to understand. (Some examples of both sides of the reactions here and here and here and here and here and here.)

I’m honestly not sure how I feel about the media coverage.

For one thing, we have nothing to hide. My son is intelligent, sociable and well-rounded. My state of residence covers my right to unschool, as well as my parental right to raise my child as I see fit. And the more publicity unschooling sees, presumably the more people may become aware of alternatives to what might not be working for them.

On the other hand, there is a lot of fear that such blatant misinformation can lead to serious outcry and a diminishing of rights as lawmakers seek to regulate the crap out of us. That is not something I would want to see, nor something our family would take lying down. We’ll fight tooth and nail to live our life free of oversight, just as we would support anyone else to do the same. After all, you can’t expect to maintain your own rights without also maintaining the rights of others. Most people understand and agree with this.

So, why – in a presumably free country – do so many people freak the hell out when they hear about people observing their right to learn without school?

It has nothing to do with our rights, our children or with what is legal.

It’s more personal than that.

Every time I tell a person that my son is learning without school or that I learned without high school, it rubs against everything they’ve been told as children about the necessity of school.

And, for some people, to admit that school may not have been necessary to be successful in life requires them to admit several things:

  1. That an enormous amount of time was wasted doing something they didn’t enjoy simply because someone wanted them to do it.
  2. If it wasn’t necessary, those forcing them to do it were either lying to them or uneducated themselves. And being educated by an uneducated person can make a person feel pretty uneducated. To admit they were lied to is to admit ulterior motives were in play. And no one wants to even consider those points.
  3. They could have enjoyed every day of their life doing what they love. And they could have learned to define success by happiness.
  4. They will see everything in life is a choice; whether it’s a choice to go to work because you want a paycheck or a choice to follow the law because you want to stay out of jail, it’s still a choice. And sometimes it’s easier to not take responsibility for your own life.
  5. They have to admit that children are not second-rate citizens, that they should not be treated as inconveniences, that their opinions matter and should be taken into consideration and that they are indeed an oppressed group.
  6. And to admit #5 means to admit they were once treated in this manner, too. And who wants to remember the times they were talked down to, told their interests were not important, forced against their will to submit to disrespect, shamed or ridiculed, made to feel a burden or punished for honest mistakes?

Unschooling and non-traditional parenting is a threat to society, indeed. It threatens to awaken us to the injustice happening right beneath our noses. It threatens to shake our culture into a new era of ingenuity over conformity. It threatens to force us to treat all human beings – even smaller ones – as people with rights and respect them as such.

Our family is proof that it works. Our friends are proof that this works. And there is a huge, wide community out there to back us up.

So, what about you? As an unschooling family, how do you feel about this media coverage: good or damaging? As a non-unschooling family, how do you feel about our treatment of children in our society?

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New to these ideas? Check out these books, which all cover an alternative to living and learning with children*:

*These books are affiliate links through Amazon. If you buy any of these books, or anything else through these links, you will be contributing to our family and the continuation of this blog. Thank you for your support!

Filed Under: Organic Learning, Organic Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Playful Parenting: My Thoughts

January 4, 2010 By 18 Comments

playful parentingYou can put me down as one more voice enthusiastically recommending the book, Playful Parenting!
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It was truly fantastic, forever going in my Top Five parenting books, directly behind Alfie Kohn and Naomi Aldort. The author, Lawrence Cohen, speaks from the same radical view – that children are individuals deserving of respect and patience as they learn to navigate a very frustrating and overwhelming world. But while Kohn leaves a person lacking in much practical advice and Aldort takes a more compassionate route, Cohen’s approach is well…playful!

Cohen states that most parent/child problems stem from disconnection, in which kids feel locked within towers of isolation or powerlessness. And he describes quite well the value of play in helping our children process their experiences, giving them a sense of power and autonomy and fostering trust and connection between us. He advocates tuning into a child’s needs; that it takes a parent less time to meet the need than to fight for our own way and that meeting those needs (for attention, time, quiet, listening, food, sleep, affection, play) does not in any circumstance mean you’re “rewarding negative behavior”.

I’m always amazed when adults say that children “just did that to get attention”. Naturally children who need attention will do all kinds of things to get it. Why not just give it to them?

I couldn’t help but find myself smiling throughout the first several chapters as he related stories of the silliness he subjects his ego to for the sake of connecting with a child. It was also exciting to read so much practical wisdom without so much of a hint of holier-than-thou condescension (he often relates his own parenting blunders), or top-down authority over children. Cohen’s emphasis stays true to respectful and compassionate parenting.

Perhaps the best chapters where the last ones all about how to gently take the lead in play when we see our children need help, learning to love the games we hate to play, handling the strong emotions that arise from both our children and ourselves, taking care of ourselves so that we can take care of our children, and of course, the obligatory chapter on discipline.

That chapter, Rethinking The Way We Discipline, was fantastic, I might add. Cohen spoke strongly against punishments and behavior modification and echoed what most of we all already feel: it doesn’t work and rarely comes up when we are connected with our children.

I think it’s obvious by now that I see most “behavior” as really just a matter of disconnection. Children who feel connected also feel inclined to be cooperative and thoughtful. So instead of punishment, which tends to create an even bigger disconnection between parent and child, try thinking about how to reestablish a connection….Most punishments involve exerting power over a child, which just increases his or her sense of isolation and powerlessness.

I think the only thing that really challenged me about this book were his repeated techniques for dealing with fears, in which he describes pretending to have the same fear and acting it out himself in an exaggerated way. Although he does state to watch for signs the child feels teased, I find it hard to believe, based on our own personal experiences and sensitivities, that such things could come off any other way but teasing. Therefore the technique seemed a little cold-hearted to me, whereas validation and time have always worked best for us. Again, that’s just been my own experience.

I borrowed this book from the library, but it definitely needs to go on my shelf. There are a few chapters I would like to reread, such as Accept Strong Feelings (Theirs and Ours) and Learn To Love The Games You Hate. Both of those are things I struggle with and both are demanding my attention right now.

Filed Under: Organic Parenting Tagged With: , , , ,

Reading: The Highly Sensitive Child

December 15, 2009 By 17 Comments

For reasons I’m not quite ready to elaborate on (and some you already know), life is a bit stressful right now.

So, I’m doing what any woman in her right mind should do: I’m postponing the chores, stocking up on long-awaited library loaners and curling up for some much needed down time.

41DG2CJWM0L__SL160_I just finished The Highly Sensitive Child and my mind is reeling with thoughts. I can’t say that I loved it, although I did appreciate it. I ran across the theory several months ago and it really resonated with me.
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I would consider both Zeb and myself to be “highly sensitive people” – more easily affected by our surroundings or our emotions, irritated by noises or sensations that others don’t notice, and needing lots of time away from stimulation to feel balanced and whole, among other things. So by reading this book, I hoped for some more insight both into myself and Zeb, who can sometimes struggle more than others.

A note on the use of labels:

I’ve actively resisted labels in my own life and in the classification of my child. It’s not that I felt labels were evil; they help convey a message or classify our own stance. But I know the danger the respresent too, and how few of them actually fit the person they are blanketed over. But when I first came across this label, it just didn’t bother me. I realize for many it will and I totally get that. But I think for me, it was more validating than pigeon-holing. I also appreciated that the author states it is a blanket statement to define a variety of traits and that no two HSPs are alike. To me, it feels more like a tool to better communicate a personality, than a label to lock a person into a way of being.

Overall, the message of the book was that of acceptance and patience, which is both validating and conforting. But it still missed the mark for me. I think it was that some of her examples still came from such a traditional parenting standpoint, which doesn’t resonate with me personally.

However, I think the book was good in conveying that HSCs (highly sensitive children) are not abnormal and should be treated with compassion and understanding. There were many examples of advocating for our kids and listening to them. And there were plenty of techniques for handling itchy clothing, large crowds or other common issues. But I found less than I hoped for handling the more difficult aspects of sensitivity, such as when the world can seem depressing or an HSC can feel hopeless in it.

She included a blurb on homeschooling as an alternative, without much knowledge on the subject but huge amounts were dedicated to dealing with school. These were helpful in some ways, offering a few tips that could relate to us, but large portions were skimmed over as things like homework just didn’t apply.

One of the things that has most been on my mind, and I was surprised to see so little mentioned, was overstimulation from video games, computers and the like. I was hoping for an HSP perspective, rather than the typical ‘it’s all bad’ viewpoint you encounter when trying to find open, honest dialogue on the pros and cons of the topic. (I have a lot more to say about this in particular but I need to organize my own thoughts a bit more first.)

Overall, the book was great at affirming to parents that it’s okay; your kid is okay and they will be okay in the future. But the actual practical advice was nothing extraordinary that I haven’t read from the likes of Naomi Aldort or Alfie Kohn…just coming from an HSP perspective. I probably could’ve gotten away with reading the first section, explaining the traits, and the last section on kids and adolescents and been happy. I am still glad I read it and I do still recommend it for anyone raising an HSC, or even one who feels they were an HSC, but I probably got more from Allowing Your Highly Sensitive Child to Shine With Unschooling.

I’m still looking forward to reading The Highly Sensitive Person (hoping it will convey more helpful ideas and understanding for both of us), but I just started Playful Parenting and I’m loving it too much to put down!

What good parenting books have you read lately?

Filed Under: Organic Parenting Tagged With: , ,
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