Change | The Organic Sister

Goodbye Darling

April 24, 2009 By TheOrganicSister 11 Comments

I watched my truck drive away last night. The insurance and title has been arranged and the new owners were anxious to take what was now theirs. I wasn’t sad to see it go, like I’ve been in the past over other vehicles, despite this being my first *brand-new* vehicle. I was really excited to know it was going to a great family, since it’s been such a great family vehicle for us.

I’m still adjusting to driving Justin’s truck. It’s a heavy-duty monster and I’m always afraid of parking lots or gas stations (the latter of the two being were I gave it it’s first dent – whoops). Although it’s a full size truck with a back seat, it’s still not much room so I need to simplify our “travel” gear. It’s also difficult to drive at night with it’s darkly tinted windows. But I do feel like a bad-ass driving it around town. I wonder if he’ll let me get a bumper stick that says “Real Women Drive Big Trucks”. Maybe a pink, fluffy steering wheel cover, too? ha One great thing about his truck is the smaller space is easier to cool with the A/C in the summer. Not that we’ll really be saving much on gas; it’s not as efficient as the SUV.

We are saving MUCH more on other things though! Without the SUV’s payment, insurance, registration and maintenance I figured we’re saving nearly $800 a month!! I’m seriously fighting the urge to feel like I’m rolling in it. My friend asked me what we’re going to do with all that money. Long-term savings is obviously our first goal, but within that goal are some things we’d like to save up for – like orthodontic care for me and Zeb. It’s awesome that we can pay cash for it now! Other than our house payment, we’re out of debt!!! That’s so awesome.

Between the truck and cutting the cable we’ve increased our monthly savings to $840. Plus there are some other things I’ve been working on that I’ll share soon too. Looks like all my financial brainstorming is paying off. (No pun intended.)

Anyone else feeling some financial successes lately? Any creative income going on – like this guy’s idea?

Filed Under: Inspiration Tagged With: change, frugal living, goals, plans

Poem: Homesick*

March 17, 2009 By TheOrganicSister 1 Comment

deep navy purple barely winks at me
from where it spans across this neon sea
glimpsing the wild in its silent retreat
as its edged with the paving of another dirty street
i’ve watched emptiness meander through this space
long forgotten silence is a long forgotten place
deaf to the notes within the song
failing to find where it can belong

the dance is missing from this town
its sad embrace just pulls me down

impatiently i wait to hear the chime
a chirping message telling me its time
while colored dreams and mighty plans sustain
pushing paths against the weathered grain
i watch the feet that carry me along
humming through the notes within the song
and watering the seeds that have been sown
i miss the things i’ve never really known

*i wrote this a couple weeks ago but only just got around to posting it.

Filed Under: Poetry Tagged With: change, dreams, home

Part One: Self-Examining

February 27, 2009 By TheOrganicSister

We’ll call this Part One of my personal self/life improvement journey. Or at least Part One of the awareness and blogging of it. So I left off explaining where I’ve been mentally and emotionally. And all my questioning. All my incessant self-examining questions. Seriously. Sometimes I wish I could be completely ignorant to things like self-awareness and/or improvement. It’s exhausting.

I started out by looking at what bothers me and why, as well as what I feel is missing and what inspires me. My brain went through our lifestyle, picking out what chips away at my nerves, examining possible sources of my frustrations.

But I have to clarify.

I don’t feel like everything that frustrates me is because of anything other than *me*. I believe we are our own sources of anger, frustrations, disappointment, unhappiness, etc. I know I can’t blame the things around me but can only use them to reflect what it is in myself that is causing these “unsettled” feelings. Nothing and no one else is the cause of my emotions. Period.

But knowing that and remembering it at the height of an emotion are two different things. And as much as the things around me are only mirrors to my own inner self, some of them are mirrors I created. And sometimes it’s just plain hard to look into the same mirrors every day. So I’ve been trying really hard not to focus on the reflection. I’ve been trying instead to boil it all down to a starting point. A place to root in before I can start growing. And I think I’ve found that place…or places.

I tend to view two versions of myself: The person I am now and the person I want to be. And I flop back and forth between which of those is real. Am I trying to be something I’m not or am I simply stuck as someone I should never have become?

I see myself as being better able to enjoy the moments, more capable of seeing the underlying emotions behind the words of others, spending more time reveling in the joys of life – the music that inspires me, the art I adore, the words that captivate me. I see myself as being more patient, more open. Less going, less doing and more being. I see myself moving slowly, dancing through life, singing. (Oh, how I wish my life were a musical!) But despite this vision of myself I’ve created, I can’t seem to get it together.

So I started questioning Why and every question I asked myself would boil down to the same two problems: food/diet and organization. Although they may not be the only source and are probably mostly superficial and simply distracting me from the bigger things, the lacking of those two things branches out into my fatigue, my frustration, my distraction, my impatience, my internal and external havoc, our lack of creative endeavors, my so-called lack of time and on and on. Thus they are my starting points.

Food and my diet are a landmine of thoughts, so I’ll start with what looks like a landmine exploded first. More to come…

Enjoy some Ray LaMontagne in the meantime. (How do you pronounce his last name anyway?)

Filed Under: Organic Wisdom Tagged With: authenticity, change, choosing happiness, music

My Thoughts on Life at the Current Moment

January 17, 2008 By TheOrganicSister 2 Comments

Lately, I’ve been feeling…gosh, can I say “different” enough? Can I really rehash and do justice to the epiphanies that have enlightened our world this past year? I guess I feel the need to rehash for no other reason than to come to terms with it, understand or accept it and allow it to sink in and fully infiltrate not just my thoughts but also my actions, all by means of diction. (I like that word: diction.)

I guess what is really rocking my face off right now is the fact that I can no longer view the world in the same context; I can no longer meld with most of the world who still use such a context. I think not too long ago that realization would have left me frightened or feeling alone. In essence, I feel like – with exception to those other “enlightened” individuals – I’ve alienated myself to a certain extent. But the kicker is, it doesn’t bother me like it would have at another time in my life.

However, it hasn’t left me emotionless either. Although none translate into regret, I’m actually swimming in many different feelings right now. Sadness and a bit of pity for those who still live inside the box of societal expectations; cynicism for the possibility of reform.

Okay, a lot of cynicism lately. I blame that on the politics. Sorry.

I’m avoiding the urge to wrap myself in a bubble of camaraderie. I don’t want to find Truth and then hide it under the bed, only to be brought out when it feels “safe”. And I don’t want to hide under the bed with it.

I feel like I’ve walked down an unschooling path expecting to find “unschooling” and instead found this whole new world…universe!…full of diversity, color, vibrancy, ideas that inspire or challenge me. And now I’m tempted just to burn the map that would lead me back and stay put on this little piece of turf. I’ve been given this gift, this perspective on life that makes all else pale in comparison. But isn’t it true that the best gift is the one given? I almost feel as if it’s my responsibility, my honor, to pass on what I’ve found. And that’s hard to do while encased in a bubble.

Another “different” feeling I’ve been having lately has stemmed from some old ghosts resurfacing. These are my ghosts, things I’ve pushed away unwilling to confront them and too obstinate to admit I’m only doing more harm.

Alright! I’ll stop speaking in riddles and come clean. I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law in nearly 5 years. I actually have two mothers-in-law but it’s my husbands biological mother that I’ve held this grudge for. Well, grudge isn’t the right word. I actually let go of the anger and pain years ago. But I chose to leave it at that under the guise of not inviting negativity back into my life.

But G-d’s been showing me that’s not real forgiveness.

That’s what unschooling has done for me. It’s made me accept the true nature of G-d into my life. No more anger, revenge, grudge, doubt or control – things that are not G-d; at least not the G-d I serve. Only acceptance and love. I feel like my old actions were even driving a wedge between my finding that spiritual peace again – like I couldn’t align myself with Love until now. (Well, that’s my goal. I’m still working towards it.) And despite all the things around me that I see need my work, G-d plopped this one right down in front of me.

My first accomplishment with this hefty task was the easy acceptance of it. Normally when I feel that nudge toward something I’m not ready for (or think I’m not ready for), I complain, whine, argue and pout before finally acquiescing. But I had been feeling this coming and I was able to just say “okay, it’s time”. I reminded Justin of her birthday next week and offered to have her over for dinner to celebrate. She’s never seen our home and what better way to truly open my heart than to open my home. (Yeah, he just kinda looked at me, astonished, wondering what had come over me before wholeheartedly agreeing. He hasn’t called her yet though – does he think I was victim to a temporary lapse in sanity and is waiting to make sure I’m not going to recant?)

So, there it is. I’m coming out from under the bed, brushing off the dust bunnies (cuz I don’t clean that often) and taking what I’ve learned out into my life with an attempt to apply it to the other areas of my existence. I’m unschooling/deschooling my life, my marriage, my familial relationships. I’m resisting the urge to surround myself only with concurring forces.

I guess you could say I’m testing my new wings. This is just another step in the journey. I knew unschooling Z would change my life but I never imagined it would so completely change my heart.