Posts Tagged "death"

Justin and Kim

Life is a Really Strange Beast. Death is Even Stranger.

My sweet man lost his mother last week, and in the worst way possible. 2000 miles away, he had to make the call to take her off life support. Because death doesn’t just slap you; when it gets the chance, it goes for the sucker punch. It’s strange to watch someone go through something you’ve gone through. I keep remembering the Grief Bubble I walked in after my dad passed, as if I was insulated from reality. The world was there and I could hear it, but as if through glass or water. I remember how odd it was that life kept going when I was certain part of the universe had just disappeared. I remember how unfathomable it was to my mind that he could suddenly not be “here”, as if space itself could just disappear. That’s what it’s like to lose someone who brought you into existence. Unfathomable….

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Anxiety, Overwhelm, Sorrow :: And All I Heard Was Love

It’s Sunday evening and my spirit feels spent but at peace. It started Thursday, as we were driving the 5th wheel through the hills of Tennessee, reaching Knoxville during rush hour traffic, when the engine began to struggle for the power to pull 16,000 lbs up the steep incline. We were on our way to surprise our family, who was gathering in Nashville to celebrate six generations, and my heart wanted to be there, not broke down in the parking lot of a Toys R Us. It started there, but it didn’t stop there. Our weekend looked a little like this: Stress: The feeling when you send the truck up the hill on not much more than prayers. Anxiety: What creeps in when you almost don’t make. Frustration: When it’s 6:20 but everything closes at 6pm and you realize you’ll be sleeping in the parking lot right in front of…

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Odessa, Texas – My Father’s Hometown

I wasn’t really sure why I added #8: Visit my father’s hometown, until we were actually pulling closer to Odessa, Texas. It had always been he and my brother who spoke about visiting. But as we were driving down the 20 it suddenly became very clear. There were quite a few gaps in our relationship, some as wide as three years of silence. Others were smaller, missing pieces that you only come to miss when someone’s gone. It is the history, the connection to his past that I crave. Based on what he spoke about I know exactly four things about his childhood: That any good dentist could tell where he was raised, because the water there was known for the stains on his teeth. That he moved away from his hometown and to Las Vegas when he was about 12 or 13. That he developed diabetes when he was…

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An Inner Memorial

our prayers, originally uploaded by fubuki. Life…and death…have sent me a reminder. I sat at my kitchen counter as I waited for my macaroni casserole to finish in the oven, determined to finish The Omnivore’s Dilemma which was due back today. Justin came in, wrapping his arms around me in silence. I finished my paragraph, and asked if something was wrong as I looked up. Something was wrong. My husband had tears streaming down his face. He told me he just got off the phone. A friend of his had shot and killed himself yesterday, leaving behind a wife he had recently separated from and his two small children. I held my husband while he tried to wrap his mind around the pain this man must have been so deeply absorbed in. And as I tried to send my love to both my grieving husband and this man’s family, I…

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Hard Lessons

The past month has been such a challenge for me. Many realizations, many hard truths to swallow but one huge renewal. I feel beautiful and peaceful now, but for awhile there I felt like the biggest failure in the world. (This isn’t exactly easy to share but I’m determined to do so anyway.) I was looking for solutions to why things “weren’t working” when I found them. And the cold hard truth broke my heart. I just didn’t see it before. But ask and ye shall receive. I did and I got my solutions in two forms. The first was a CD of unschooling mother, Diana Jenner, speaking at the Life Is Good unschooling conference. If anyone had the right to wake me up, it was certainly her. The second was a book, “Unconditional Parenting” by Alfie Kohn. Both were Divine Inspiration and opened my eyes to several points that…

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My eulogy for my dad…

Well it’s a eulogy of sorts. It was what I felt led to share, although when the time came the formidable urge to vomit on my open-toed heels forced me to allow the minister to deliver it to the congregation instead of me. He’s a good reader. There is an African proverb that says “Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.” It has been one that has gotten me thru a lot in my life, just by simply reminding me why I am here, why I have been given my life at all. It is one I’ve been repeating to myself a lot lately as well. These past days have not been smooth seas but they are teaching me things I thought I already knew. In January, my father and I got in a disagreement over his driving with cataracts. And out of love, I was concerned. But I allowed…

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