Lately, I’ve been feeling…gosh, can I say “different” enough? Can I really rehash and do justice to the epiphanies that have enlightened our world this past year? I guess I feel the need to rehash for no other reason than to come to terms with it, understand or accept it and allow it to sink in and fully infiltrate not just my thoughts but also my actions, all by means of diction. (I like that word: diction.)

I guess what is really rocking my face off right now is the fact that I can no longer view the world in the same context; I can no longer meld with most of the world who still use such a context. I think not too long ago that realization would have left me frightened or feeling alone. In essence, I feel like – with exception to those other “enlightened” individuals – I’ve alienated myself to a certain extent. But the kicker is, it doesn’t bother me like it would have at another time in my life.

However, it hasn’t left me emotionless either. Although none translate into regret, I’m actually swimming in many different feelings right now. Sadness and a bit of pity for those who still live inside the box of societal expectations; cynicism for the possibility of reform.

Okay, a lot of cynicism lately. I blame that on the politics. Sorry.

I’m avoiding the urge to wrap myself in a bubble of camaraderie. I don’t want to find Truth and then hide it under the bed, only to be brought out when it feels “safe”. And I don’t want to hide under the bed with it.

I feel like I’ve walked down an unschooling path expecting to find “unschooling” and instead found this whole new world…universe!…full of diversity, color, vibrancy, ideas that inspire or challenge me. And now I’m tempted just to burn the map that would lead me back and stay put on this little piece of turf. I’ve been given this gift, this perspective on life that makes all else pale in comparison. But isn’t it true that the best gift is the one given? I almost feel as if it’s my responsibility, my honor, to pass on what I’ve found. And that’s hard to do while encased in a bubble.

Another “different” feeling I’ve been having lately has stemmed from some old ghosts resurfacing. These are my ghosts, things I’ve pushed away unwilling to confront them and too obstinate to admit I’m only doing more harm.

Alright! I’ll stop speaking in riddles and come clean. I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law in nearly 5 years. I actually have two mothers-in-law but it’s my husbands biological mother that I’ve held this grudge for. Well, grudge isn’t the right word. I actually let go of the anger and pain years ago. But I chose to leave it at that under the guise of not inviting negativity back into my life.

But G-d’s been showing me that’s not real forgiveness.

That’s what unschooling has done for me. It’s made me accept the true nature of G-d into my life. No more anger, revenge, grudge, doubt or control – things that are not G-d; at least not the G-d I serve. Only acceptance and love. I feel like my old actions were even driving a wedge between my finding that spiritual peace again – like I couldn’t align myself with Love until now. (Well, that’s my goal. I’m still working towards it.) And despite all the things around me that I see need my work, G-d plopped this one right down in front of me.

My first accomplishment with this hefty task was the easy acceptance of it. Normally when I feel that nudge toward something I’m not ready for (or think I’m not ready for), I complain, whine, argue and pout before finally acquiescing. But I had been feeling this coming and I was able to just say “okay, it’s time”. I reminded Justin of her birthday next week and offered to have her over for dinner to celebrate. She’s never seen our home and what better way to truly open my heart than to open my home. (Yeah, he just kinda looked at me, astonished, wondering what had come over me before wholeheartedly agreeing. He hasn’t called her yet though – does he think I was victim to a temporary lapse in sanity and is waiting to make sure I’m not going to recant?)

So, there it is. I’m coming out from under the bed, brushing off the dust bunnies (cuz I don’t clean that often) and taking what I’ve learned out into my life with an attempt to apply it to the other areas of my existence. I’m unschooling/deschooling my life, my marriage, my familial relationships. I’m resisting the urge to surround myself only with concurring forces.

I guess you could say I’m testing my new wings. This is just another step in the journey. I knew unschooling Z would change my life but I never imagined it would so completely change my heart.