Judgment | The Organic Sister

Guest Post: The Power of Kindness

November 12, 2010 By TheOrganicSister

Today’s post is something a little different – a guest post by Kate Swoboda from Your Courageous Life. If you’re not familiar with Kate, she is this amazing, creative and authentic soul who’s work resonates her beautiful life-filled message. So much goodness in one gal. I hope you enjoy!

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Some people are raised to people-please, to defer to others. I was raised to have an opinion, to speak into it, and to be willing to do something different. I valued my personal autonomy over everything else. And with that, over the years, my life’s timeline had a string of friendships that were left or abandoned along the way.

For years, I didn’t know for sure why friends left, or friendships with potential never lifted off the ground. I had my theories–perhaps I was just more mature than my peers in my teens and early 20s? Perhaps I was seen as boring because I didn’t drink? Perhaps it was that I spent the first 24 years of my life in the more conservative Midwest, and sexism was to blame?

I lifted my chin high and decided that if people didn’t like an opinion, this was their problem, not mine.

Yet somehow it continued to rankle me that the choice would seemingly be between assertiveness versus having close friends. The old adage is to “just be yourself,” yet when I was just being me, people left, and it was getting painful. I started trying to state my opinions in what I called my “I’m being really nice voice.” As in, “I’m saying something you don’t want to hear, but I’m being really nice as I’m saying it.”

No dice. And despite my tough exterior, I lived with anxiety that the people in my life might at any moment decide that something about me was too much to handle, and leave.

Then came the “A-ha! moment.”

I was an assistant at a workshop and we were about to finish up an activity. We needed people to circle up and stay together for three minutes, tops. However, one of the participants was on her way out of the room to use the restroom. I felt stress at trying to round up 60 people within the next 60 seconds, and a little annoyed that this person was leaving. “We’re about to finish up,” I told her in my “I’m trying to be really nice” voice. A flicker of irritation come over her face. She went back into the room.

Right behind her was one of my fellow assistants, also heading out the door. “Oh, we’re about to start,” I said to that assistant, again in my “I’m trying to be really nice” voice, though internally I was annoyed that she wasn’t helping.

“Well, I’m going to the bathroom!” she said, walking past me.

I sighed, went into the main room, and replayed what had just happened in my head. I hadn’t ordered anyone around, and I had used my nice voice, but people were still upset. Wasn’t I just enacting my assistant role?

This incident was a little microcosm of my life. I tried to shrug it off, but it continued to bother me.

Later that evening, when the workshop had wrapped and the assistants had gathered for our end-of-day meeting, I brought up what had happened. The assistant who had been leaving the room that afternoon said, “I was going to talk to you about that. It really upset me that you were blocking the door!”

Okay–now I was thoroughly confused. What was she talking about? Blocking the door–was she crazy? I was just doing my job as an assistant, rounding people up, wasn’t I? But then–gently but clearly–another assistant in the group shared that sometimes, they’d noticed that my demeanor seemed standoffish or brusque. I began to cry.

I told the group that I’d noticed a lifelong pattern where inexplicably, people had reacted to me in these ways. I didn’t understand why…and would give anything to know. And when my tears flowed, more than one person gently said that they were sharing feedback in an effort to help.

We closed our meeting that night and I headed home feeling utterly broken open and still lacking answers or understanding. I was embarrassed, completely confronted by a message that I couldn’t take in.

I was winding through a stretch of the Oakland Hills that overlooks the entire San Francisco Bay Area. The sun was getting low, casting a golden glow on everything, and I was crying and hitting my steering wheel because all of this ached so deeply in me.

And then: I got it.

My tears stopped in seconds, as I internalized it: my energy was stronger than my words. I hadn’t told anyone that they “shouldn’t” go to the bathroom–that would be crazy–but my energy had. The energy I carried had communicated my judgements that I was right and someone else’s behavior was wrong. In fact, my judgement had been so strong that it had left someone with the impression that I was–ludicrous as it sounds–blocking a door!

It was suddenly clear that the energy I held around negative judgements of others had been the cause of painful isolation–not simply having opinions. I replayed years of interactions in my head, of times when my word choices had been “I” statements and my tone of voice softened, yet the other party had still thought I was a jerk. I realized that in every single one of those interactions, without exception, I’d had strong judgements about the other person–what they should do, how they should be.

The “I’m trying to be really nice” voice would never override the energy of negative judgement.

During my life, some people had called me a bitch when they sensed my judgements. Others had been unable to identify what was “off” about our interactions and simply left the relationship.

But this was the first time I’d had understanding–within a group that genuinely cared, and genuinely wanted to help me shift anything that I was committed to shifting. This group saw beyond my actions and into the small, scared parts of me that used judgement as a form of control–they saw that I didn’t have practice in being any other way. They lovingly supported me in changing.

That is the power of love–a lifelong habit, shifted in literally one day.

I share this story hoping that everyone will recognize that when we don’t like a behavior in someone else, but we meet their behavior with more of the same–rejecting them, shouting them down, putting them down, hurting them back–we don’t actually effect change.

Not one person who ever called me a bitch ever had me thinking that I was in the wrong and needed to change. Instead, I would think: “How could I be the bitch? You’re the one doing the name calling!” Not one friend who stopped returning phone calls ever helped me to see the connection between my behavior and their leaving.

How many times have you seen or been a part of a group that gossips about someone else, and then someone says something to the effect of, “She needs to get a clue!” Guess what?

That person might have “inappropriate” tattooed on their face, and they’re still not going to understand what isn’t working about their behavior until they are met with kindness and compassion, and your willingness to help them shift.

That’s what my group of assistants gave me that day, and it changed my life. I began calling people that very night to share with them what I’d realized, and to apologize for any times they might have felt me carrying an energy of judgement about their choices.

The even bigger gift? Now I could work on the distracting drama of judging others, and turn the light inward–Where was I judging myself? Why was some scared part of me using judgement to control or isolate? There were opportunities to heal, here–big ones. And nothing beats being able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you’re stepping into a bigger space of integrity.

Kindness matters–in fact, it makes all the difference in the world.

The question put before each of us becomes how much we’re willing to choose kindness in those moments when it seems easier to simply reject. This isn’t just about relationships between people anymore, as we live in a world where, increasingly, violence begets violence. So if it were your personal challenge to treat kindness as a value, then I ask: Which of us will step up first, to change?

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Kate Swoboda is a life coach, teacher and writer living in the San Francisco Bay Area. In January 2011, she’ll be launching the Courageous Living Guides, a series of topical, downloadable e-programs combining the written word, exercises, videos and interviews focused on transforming fear and living big.

Filed Under: Inspiration, Organic Wisdom Tagged With: choosing happiness, guest posts, judgment, kate swoboda, love

Reflections of a Time in Flux

December 31, 2009 By TheOrganicSister 12 Comments

Every New Year’s I can look back and sum up the entire year in one word or phrase.

2007 was about Letting Go and Trusting. It was the year I sold my business, the year we embraced unschooling, the year my perspective as a parent changed for the better. It was also the year I lost my dad. And really started to find myself. I think it will always feel like the year my life – my authentic life – started.

2008 was all about Judgment. It was a tough year but I can honestly look back on it with appreciation. It was the year my dreads went in and I learned so much about the judgment of others. There were others choices I made that year – choices I thought I’d never make – that taught me no person nor their decisions can ever be known or understood fully and therefore judgment (in the meanest form of the word) has little place in my heart. It was a hard year. But I feel I’m a better person for experiencing all of 2008.

One of my favorite photos/places of the year.

Looking back at 2009, all I can see is Change. Obviously the last four months have been an unprecedented upheaval. But it started long before that with our plans and Justin’s prediction. It makes for a strange year in retrospect – as if we lived the entire thing in limbo, looking forward while being stuck in (what felt like) our past: the place we’ve always been and don’t want to be anymore.

We changed our entire home, changed dust to real soil, changed our minds a dozen times.

And finally we made the choices that will ultimately change our lives and bring about so much unknown change, it’s overwhelming.

Another word that could describe this year for me is Acceptance. Accepting that which I cannot change and have no control over. Specifically in one area. Although it’s still a work in progress, I’m accepting that pregnancy is not going to happen for us. Seven years and enough losses to still hurt, and I’m ready to let go. Hindsight’s perfect vision is the most difficult here, seeing choices I would have made differently “if I’d only known then...” But I can only spend so much time in painful retrospect while life goes on without me. It’s time to accept what is and move on.

I don’t know what next year will bring, although definitely more change and likely some adventures are in store. There are things I’ll be looking and hoping for – community, connection, direction. But I’m not going to attempt to nail down next year’s purpose. The possibilities are too vast. Instead, I’m trying to remain open to what the road will bring and allow it unfold how it will.

To all of you I’ve “met” through this blog and hope to soon meet in person, I wish you all a phenomenal and memorable 2010.

And may our lives continue to intersect in extraordinary and meaningful ways.

Filed Under: Celebrations, Things To Remember Tagged With: acceptance, changes, judgment, new years, reflection, trust

One Year Later

May 17, 2009 By TheOrganicSister 29 Comments

My one year dreadiversary is today. While I can’t believe it went by so fast, I also can’t believe I’ve only had dreadlocks for one year. I can’t seem to imagine a time before them and I can’t seem to imagine myself without them. I can see myself with long grey dreads and wrinkles and I love it!

The Technical Stuff:

My hair was this long prior to dreading. It took 14 hours of backcombing to start what is a lifelong process.(Backcombing isn’t necessary; another route to take is called “neglect” but I’ll let you Google that.) I made the mistake of using wax on day one. B.I.G. mistake! Wax actually just sticks the hairs together. It does not create real dreads, just the “look” of dreads. Movement and friction is needed for the hairs to actually lock up, so wax is very counter-productive. As a result, my dreads didn’t really begin to show a lot of progress for over 6 months.

At that time, I was able to do a deep cleanse to remove most of it (I’m still constantly removing it) and I saw huge progress after that. They began to shrink in length around 10 or 11 months, as they tightened. Palm-rolling helps them dread, as well as keep the bumps and loopies to a minimum. As you can tell, I don’t do much of that. Backcomb, then mostly neglect for me.

I wash with any non-residue soap: usually Dr. Bronners bar soap, Neutrogena has a no-residue shampoo or a handmade bar soap from the Farmer’s Market. I also use a baking soda and vinegar rinse some days. I need only wash every 5-7 days, which I did prior to dreads as well. Drying is easy in the summer, but in the winter or if there is a lot of humidity (basically never here) I use a blow dryer to thoroughly dry them. (Don’t ask what could happen if they aren’t thoroughly dried.)

The Meaning I Found:

Dreadlocks are a journey and I knew mine was to be a spiritual one. From the moment I felt “it was time” I knew they would bring with them something. I just didn’t know what. I heard so many people talk about the “patience” it taught them. But patience over long periods has never been a challenge for me (in-the-moment patience is another subject).

Now looking back over the year I can very clearly see what it was/is that I’ve been learning. I’ll do my best to articulate it but forgive me I fail:

Judgement:

This has to be the biggest spiritual lesson that my dreadlocks have brought me. Snide remarks when someone thought I couldn’t hear, rolled eyes, hurtful jokes or dirty looks when they saw my hair were not uncommon, both from loved ones and strangers alike. There were people who made me feel ugly. There were plenty who assumed I was unintelligent or smoked pot or liked reggae (okay, I do like reggae but not because I have dreads). Likewise, there were people from whom I was expecting judgement and received none.

This showed me a lot about other people, good and bad. But mostly it was a mirror for me, showing me my own judgement and how often I see the surface of the moment but not the Truth beneath. How can I pass judgement? How can I truly know their heart or what they are going through and whether or not I’m really in a place of knowing them enough to call my assumptions fact? I can’t. I can only assume the best of everyone. I can only send them love and sympathy. I can only forgive and forget. I can only let go of my expectations or preconceived notions and move from a place of not knowing. Any other place is not my place.

Acceptance:

Dreadlocks have a mind of their own. They twist and turn and grab and snag. They loop and bump and flatten out. But such is life. And this too shall pass. I can’t control every nuance of their existence. I can’t force them into something they are not. I can only be in this moment, appreciating what I can and accepting what is. The Serenity Prayer fits my challenging moments well.

Vanity:

There is no possible way to remain vain when you have dreads. I came to recognize my own vanity early in this process. I was terrified to wear my dreads down or uncovered. I was super-self-conscience walking into a room. About 8 months in, I started pushing my own boundaries of comfort – going places with my dreads down and without a wrap. It. Was. SO. Hard. It seemed the entire room would stare at me. Once, upon hearing a very hurtful comment in a store, I forced myself to take them out of their bun and shake them out. Why?

Because this is Who I Am. I’m not here to make someone else love me. I’m not here to be beautiful to anyone but myself and my husband. And he loves my dreads, as do I. In that moment, when I really wanted to hide, I picked myself up, forced myself to be confident. My dreads represent my Spirit: Free and loved and uniquely made. They represent the love of my husband, and the support he gives me as I find the Truth inside myself. They represent my being honest with myself, not conforming to the whims of others and loving myself, just the way I am. And they also represent my non-conformity to the values I wish to be free from.

There have been many times when I looked in the mirror over the past year and wondered what I’ve done. Times when I saw everything those negative commenters saw. But more often than not, I saw a strong woman, learning how to stand apart and in confidence. I saw a different kind of beauty. One that may not appeal to the world but one that fills me with Joy. I saw *Me*, a truer form of myself – true to myself.

I am not my hair.

My hair is me.

[P.S. All dreadlock photos here. I'm going to do a seperate post about all the FAQ I've received over the past year. If you have any questions, ask away and I'll answer those too.]

Filed Under: Organic Wisdom Tagged With: acceptance, authenticity, Dreadlocks, judgment, organic beauty, spirituality

Let go?!

September 13, 2007 By TheOrganicSister

Unschooling has already confronted me with a steady march of my once comfortable ideals and showed them in a less than flattering light. And as I conquer one challenge another is swiftly plopped on my plate to consume. But letting go is by far the toughest to chew. And I can almost forget about swallowing it. The aftertaste is appalling.

But it has become an unavoidable dilemma. It seems to encompass all I do.

My problem lies in my ideals. Quite simply stated, I feel the need to save the world. Oh, there are other aspects of letting go that I’m working on but they pale in comparison to this.

SwissArmyWife stated it best when she illustrated the banging of one’s head on the same damn lamp. How hard it has become to shut my mouth and watch a person bruise or even bleed!

I have come to the realization that some people believe having opinions makes a person too opinionated. That sharing what I love, what has worked for me, what has transformed my life makes me bossy or pushy.

This confounds me. First, I do not talk about my passions simply because I’m trying to change minds. I talk about my passions because I’m passionate about them! They are a part of my life, a part of me and to avoid them in conversation is to avoid conversation all together.

But I never understood until recently that people can be so sensitive to another’s way of life as to assume judgement over their own. Although I’d love to see others having the same success I’m having with what I’m doing, I’m more concerned with others just having success!

And here is where the letting go comes into play. Because their idea of success is night vs. day from mine. And while it breaks my heart, they (and their children) are their own people too. They will find their own path and purpose at some point in life and overcome any negativity they may have encountered along the way. Good can come out of it all, can it not?

They may just need to experience one contrast to find the other. And here is where I must remember that contrast is precisely what I needed. I needed to feel unhealthy to find what healthy really means. I needed to experience school to understand why it is so arbitrary. I needed to overwork to find why money can’t fill my heart. I needed to disconnect with my child to fully understand our connection.

I guess what bothers me the most though, is not that they are experiencing contrast, but that they are content with where they are. Through all my “contrasting years”, I always wanted more, always worked for more, always fought to find what it was I hadn’t quite figured out. I can fully support and appreciate a person with opposite beliefs as me if they come to their conclusions on their own. It is when a person blindly accepts what is given to them without regard to validity that frustrates me.

But again, I have to let go – which may include shutting my mouth and keeping my opinions and my passions to myself. It is difficult when I feel like this option is the equivalent of not offering a life preserver in a storm; to allow a person to flounder and just turn around and face the deck. All I want to do is dive head first into the freezing water and pull them to shore! Not because I think they are wrong but because I truly love them enough to care.

I want to yell with all my might, “Look what I have! It’s beautiful and refreshing and fulfilling! Just grab on and see where it takes you!” And instead I feel as if I’m biting my tongue out of fear of unintentionally offending someone.

I guess instead of being the Coast Guard I should focus on being the lighthouse. With all my might, just shining out with our families radiant joy and hope to G-d someone sees the beacon. Just sit on the shore, at my destination and accept their destination may not be the same.

“Letting Go” has been the hardest concept to grasp.

Filed Under: Organic Learning, Organic Parenting Tagged With: acceptance, judgment, learning without school, life learning, life without school, unschooling

Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds

August 30, 2007 By TheOrganicSister

The past few days have found me in a place I’m rather surprised to be in. I’m am 100% sure of myself and my decision to unschool, and yet I’ve found fear in presenting our choice to my extended family.

I stayed up late last night, and over-mulled this predicament in my head – asking myself why I feel this way and how I was going to handle it at our upcoming family gathering. With this being the start of a new school year for most, I am sure the questions will be inevitable and unschooling (and especially radical unschooling) has been a topic I’ve only brought up with my mother.

I realized two things that bothered me about the possibility of opposition in my loved ones (a strangers opposition is mostly humorous to me now). First was the fact that I didn’t want my son, who has come so far, to get caught up in any negativity regarding something he whole-heartedly enjoys.

The second, was truly out of love and respect. I am doing something so different than what my family does. Part of me is afraid they will take this as rejection of them or an implication that I’m doing it differently because they did something wrong. My family is my world and I’m afraid of unintentionally offending them.

I went to bed creating scenarios in my mind and ways to approach them, but it was what happened after I fell asleep that helped me arrive where I am now.

I dreamt I was pulling weeds and planting seeds. The weeds were not numerous but some were stubborn and liked to appear where I least expected them to, and the seeds didn’t always take in the spot I first planned.

But what hit me about this dream is the fact that I was so content in my task. I joyfully moved things around, made mistakes but lovingly accepted them and did what I could to fix them, and was happy focusing not on the outcome but on my role in the job itself. I was not upset over the weeds; I didn’t pull them in anger. I truly appreciated them! Without them, I may not have had the motivation to make things more beautiful. Without them, I may have been content with scraggly plants and unblossoming flowers.

My family is truly amazing and supportive. I know they may question our actions but I also know it is out of nothing more than love. What we are doing is foreign and therefore worrisome. But I’m content in my role in the family. They are the ones who encouraged me to be myself, to follow my heart and my intuition. If it were not for them, I wouldn’t be the person or the parent I am today. And I’m joyful in the fact that with newfound knowledge I can take what they gave me even further.

I’ve gone from fear and worry to excitement and anticipation. I’m not sure how it will turn out but I have faith however it happens will be for the good of those involved. Coming from a place of love can only sprout beauty, if for no other reason than love is blind!