11 Permissions for 2011

I'm all for an upper viewpoint

I can feel it already. 2010 changed my life. But 2011 is going to rock my world.

Two words have begun to hang over my head: Abundance and Gratitude. And I can feel them both churning and stirring up the mental dust.

In preparation for the mind-altering, life-inspiring, beautiful madness to commence, I’m starting the New Year with a new viewpoint.

I hereby give myself full, unapologetic permission to….

  1. Only take and keep the photos I love.
  2. Feel shy or walk away.
  3. Slow the hell down.
  4. Love me how no one else can.
  5. Be selfish with my self-care.
  6. Surround myself with inspiration and beauty.
  7. Say goodbye to my wedding dress.
  8. Say hello to clothes that make me feel amazing.
  9. Have a piece of life that belongs only to me.
  10. Fearlessly live up to my full potential.
  11. Take an entire month off from blogging.

Yes, an entire month. January, actually.

It will mark my longest hiatus from blogging since I started almost four years ago. It will be strange and probably disjointed for me. And I’m looking forward to it. :)

It comes with a reason, of course. We have less than five weeks to wrap up our business here in Las Vegas, purchase and prepare a new rig and hit the road again by February 1st. We will be slammed with things to do and people to see and moments to relish while we can.

But that’s not all, because my time off from blogging is not really time away from my blog at all.

Coinciding with the relaunch of our travels, The Organic Sister will be “relaunching” in February!

I’m going to be spending the month revamping this little space of mine, adding some new awesomeness,  and aligning every part of it with what feels true and authentic and beautiful to me.

I can’t wait to show you what’s in my head! :D

In the meantime, you can continue to connect with me on Facebook (here or here), Twitter or by email. And I’m still available for coaching and other services.

Until next time, I’ll leave you with some things to think about…

What are you giving yourself permission for?
What will you be creating in the New Year?
And are you living according to your own organic nature?

A Christmas Wish

We have family coming flying in and food to create; friends and family to visit and carols to sing; gifts to give and movies to watch.

Today we spent the afternoon with grandparents, aunt, uncles and cute little nieces making, icing and decorating holiday cookies…and playing in the flour. :)

I hope your Christmas is just as beautifully messy, in the very best of ways.

Beautifully Messy

Unhappy News (and dreams and fears)

I’m feeling like the rubber ball attached to a paddle, one second flying high with wild excitement, the next being bashed against a wall. Success, failure, inspiration, frustration, pieces clicking into place, only to crumble apart again. A person can only ride a rollercoaster for so long before they need to vomit. Consider this my vomit.

Yesterday we were dealt a nasty blow to our dreams. The possibility of leaving Las Vegas by January has ended. The idea of two or three extra months here shouldn’t leave me in tears on the floor, but it did.

I don’t want to be here. I resist it with every fiber of my being. I make it clear to everyone I speak with that I’m only visiting. That this is not my home. I don’t feel good here, I don’t feel whole or fed or at peace here. I feel needy and desperate and lonely and empty. It took me 28 years to escape this the first time and seven months later I’m here again.

I don’t want to hear that there is a reason, that there is a message or a lesson in all this. I don’t want to hear that I need to let go, that I need to trust. I know it, but I resist it anyway.

Why? Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of feeling trapped. I’m afraid of some giant cosmic hand telling me I’m “supposed to” be somewhere that makes me unhappy. I’m afraid of losing what I’ve found or finding that I didn’t deserve it in the first place.

In this past year I’ve wholeheartedly embraced a fear that has had me paralyzed for decades. I’ve lived in fear of Too Good Too Last, and I carefully kept my life and my joy at bay. I kept myself from loving or living unconditionally to protect myself from the pain that follows loss. Does that even make sense? I’ve felt that anything good will be taken from me, so I keep things two degrees off Good just to play it safe.

I thought through this amazing journey that I had conquered all of that. But as soon as Justin broke the news yesterday I felt that crushing fear, that desperate grasp for safety, those fortress walls springing back around me, my chest tightening and my joy slipping through my fingers. I heard that old familiar voice, “See? I told you it couldn’t last. Something was bound to come along and tear our dreams apart. This is it. It’s going to fall apart and you’re going to be trapped. You don’t deserve anything more.”

Ouch. I know it doesn’t even sound rational. It doesn’t feel rational either. It hurts. And it’s scary. It’s rubbing up against beliefs and thoughts I’m not ready to examine and it’s not accepting my attempt to put it off. It’s challenging me and it’s forcing me to stretch and grow. And all of that is good. I know it’s good. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

I want to face this. I want to push through it. I want to be handed a challenge and fly over it. I want to feel energized and more determined by it. I want to keep smiling, keep holding onto my joy. I want to embrace my fear with compassion.

I want to say I’m not in tears, hiding my face in my pillow and guarding myself against anything that feels good. I want to say I’m not pushing away the love I’m handed, letting go of the dreams I have for fear of more pain. I want to say I’m not questioning my spirituality, questioning whether Gd really is the bully with the magnifying glass burning holes in my heart.

But I can’t say any of that right now. It wouldn’t be real, authentic.

In this moment, right now, I hurt. In this moment, I feel a suffocating fear. This moment is messy and ugly and demanding tears. This moment is not allowing me to move.

So I’m doing the only thing this moment is asking me to do: I’m sitting in it. I’m allowing myself to cry or feel afraid or guarded. I’m allowing myself to resist. I’m embracing the messy and the vulnerable and the whiney. I’m playing the victim, and the Blame Game, and the big baby. I’m wallowing and hurting and questioning. I’m distracting myself. I’m wavering between sobs and angry outbursts.

No, it doesn’t really make sense. No, the details aren’t really that big of a deal. But this is what Life has handed my heart: not another three months, but a giant serving of Here’s Your Opportunity with a side of It’s Time To Face This Already.

It’s never about the details. It’s never about what happened or what’s going to happen. It’s about the messages we have hidden in our hearts, the stories we listen to, how they affect us, what we feel and what’s happening inside of us. It’s the bigger picture, when we can see it…and when we can’t.

I can’t see it. I can say it, but I’m too deep in it to really know it to be true. I can look at the words and reread them and still I hear that cynical, biting voice in my mind. So I’m holding onto the only two things I really do know to be true: I can be nothing but authentic. And life will ebb and flow, all things will pass.

This is me, authentic. Waiting for the fear to pass, for my ability to let it go.

Inspiration Monday – Busy, Busy, Busy

Bear Smile

This is our dog, Bear. He has a great smile. He’s been living with Justin’s mom and we’ve been missing him a lot lately. We’ve had a couple chances to see him, but it’s been tough to arrange our schedule and sadly, my step-dad is allergic so we have to be careful of dog hair.

It’s been a bit of a juggling act over here. We’ve been in Vegas for a week and we only have three months to accomplish what needs to be accomplished so we can hit the road by the beginning of January.

I have a new business to launch this month and a campaign to orchestrate to do so. Justin has projects to finish and work to find. Zeb has friends to see. We have more things to sell. And we all have dreams to realize. You know, in between regular life.

Justin and I are making a concerted and concentrated effort to make unjobbing work for us. I plan on talking a lot more about that in the coming weeks. It’s a pretty big deal to shift towards a different way of viewing your life and providing for your needs. I suppose we’ll be one giant experiment as to whether we can make it work.

I’ve been working pretty hard on this new website I’m creating, so I haven’t spent much time reading online. I’m lacking for some inspiration, and really feeling it! So if you have anything inspiring to share, please do! In the meantime…

  • I’ve got an interview over at Pixie Polly’s
  • Love what these two are doing
  • A new find
  • A pretty good explanation
  • Another cool giveaway scheduled for tomorrow!
  • And then there is this article, which I could go on about for some time but will suffice to say DUH to the following quote:

For instance, ever more companies are realising that autonomy isn’t the opposite of accountability – it’s the pathway to it. “Rules and policies and regulations and stipulations are innovation killers. People do their best work when they’re unencumbered”…The idea is that freedom and responsibility, long considered fundamentally incompatible, actually go together quite well.

Play along with Inspiration Monday on your own blog (you can submit your link below)!

Where We Are Now

Where We Began

I told you I’d tell you my current location later. That’s because it comes with a rather lengthy explanation.

We’re back where we began, in Las Vegas.

And we’ll be here for a little bit. No, not “home” because it has a distinct “not home anymore” feel to it. Which feels really good to me, I might add.

Those of you that have been reading this blog for any length of time probably remember how I feel about my hometown. That is to say I’m less than crazy about being here. In fact, I’m pretty sure when I signed up for birth, I thought it was going to happen in some other place. I’ve been a wee bit resentful ever since. Las Vegas has some great things about it, but it’s just not for me.

So what, you may be asking, are we doing back here? Well, I’m going to tell, complete with headlines, because that’s how I roll:

The Story

About a month ago began a really bumpy ride. A long, seemingly endless string of frustrations. The kind that force you to stop and ask “What the f*ck is going on here??

No joke, it was insane. First, a major water leak that ruined some of our things and soaked our beds. Then the injector pump stranded us at the side of the road. Then it was the alternator, then the batteries, then a strange wire that runs between the two, then the glow plugs, then the shocks, then the driveline, then a timing belt, then the veggie oil’s fuel pump. It was a domino effect and each time we fixed one thing, something else would break the very next day.

Nearly four weeks of this people!

If it hadn’t been for friends meeting us in Albuquerque and traveling with us, keeping us sane and safe should anything happen, I’m pretty sure we would have ended up killing each other. I’ll spare you the ugly details. Because having friends nearby makes all the difference. But through the experience, one really cool thing happened:

We suddenly became really clear on what we wanted.

As thoughts of “settling in” long-term in New Mexico were dancing in our minds, we knew we were not ready to settle down. We aren’t ready to stop yet.

And the more we sat stranded in New Mexico, the more we felt it was time to put up or shut up, make the decision, commit, one way or the other. And so we did. We talked, the three of us, about what we wanted. And we all came to the same decision.

The Decision

We’ve decided to stay on the road for as long as we can.

The world and the economy are changing: peak oil, climate change, recession/depression, war and corruption. While some people see that as a sign to play it safe, we’re feeling pretty damn good about taking more risks. We’ve taken advantage of a huge opportunity, one that may not always present itself.

Life and circumstances may not always allow us to travel, to meet such amazing people, see such rich and diverse things. Life is uncertain and sometimes volatile and it’s all the more reason for us to enjoy what we can while we have it. For some that means loving fully the place they are, or the people they’re with.

For us it means loving fully not having a place yet and enjoying  the road with each other. We want to give Zeb the opportunity to explore and experience. We want to explore and experience with him. We don’t want to put this off until Someday because we all know life never guarantees us a Someday.

Neither of our dreams is without sacrifices. We can sacrifice Now for the security of a permaculture, off-grid home or we can sacrifice a home for the adventure of a lifetime.

Not exactly an easy decision. But I’ve learned something about my sense of security. It’s a myth. It’s a false sense of something being there that doesn’t even exist.

The world is a dangerous place to be. Life is inherently messy. It’s full of hairpin turns and steep drop-offs and unexpected landslides. And we can sit far from the edge and feel secure but the risk is still there, maybe even greater, since we’ve made ourselves sitting ducks dependent on something outside our own daring ingenuity.

There is no protecting ourselves from danger; there’s only missing out on opportunity.

Ironically, as soon as we all made the decision to commit to this life, as soon as we got clear and cohesive on what we wanted,  Ol’ Benny stopped giving us trouble. I guess sometimes decisions we’re avoiding will just demand our attention.

Where We Are Now

Parked For Now

So that brings me back to Las Vegas.

After committing, the pieces fell into place smoothly and effortlessly. Benny is a great RV, but he’s not cut out for full-timing. So we need to upgrade and we needed a place to crash while we work out the details. My parents not only had a place for us to park, they have a handful of projects custom fit for us.

Justin is going to be installing a pergola, building a tool shed and probably helping to landscape a yard. After that he might be doing their crown molding and maybe a few other home improvements for them. I’m also helping my mom transition into a Real Foods, gluten-free diet.

And we’ll be using the time to sell Justin’s gasoline truck, sell Benny the Brave and various other things and purchase a diesel truck and a 5th wheel. The 5th wheel has been Zeb’s idea for awhile and he’s finally sold us on it. What can I say; he’s a persuasive kid. ;)

We’re also using the time to focus on working for ourselves. We have money to raise while we’re here, new ventures to launch and new ideas to investigate. Having this time at my parents’ place to focus on those things is an amazing blessing.

We’ll be here for three months, working, eating, playing with friends and enjoying the things we really do love about Vegas.

And come the beginning of the year, we’ll be back on the road.

Shameless Plug

The next three months are going to be crunch-time for us. Big projects, lots of work and more needed if we want to make this happen.

We would love your help.

Do you have a project you want done? Have you been considering scheduling a coaching session? If there’s something you need that we can help with, we’d love to work with you! You can check out our services here. (Travel may still be an option.)


And if you’ve benefited from this blog and from my writing in any way, if I’ve inspired you or if you just have a crush on my husband (because who doesn’t?), and want to send your support, would you consider donating to the cause?