We wait and we hurt when the people around us don’t show up…or only show us their messy side.

And we forget.

We forget that we can give to ourselves. That we can shower ourselves with love. That we can fill ourselves up.

We forget that we need to. That others need to see us valuing ourselves. That others learn how to value us by how WE value us. That no one can love us when we feel unlovable.

My mama posted something on Facebook last week that brought tears to my eyes…

“When I was single for YEARS, I used to buy myself flowers on Valentines Day. Just because I hadn’t found my knight in shining armor yet, didn’t mean I was any less of a princess….

There’s a whole lot more to life than just being in a relationship with another person. Be in a relationship with your own LIFE. There are lots of ways to love. Spread some around….”

THIS is it! Be in a relationship with LIFE!

Be in a relationship with your passion, your voice, your style, your purpose, your curiosity, your kindness, your self-discovery, your growth, your experiences.

And dammit, let’s all starting being in a loving, committed, generous relationship with OURSELVES!

Let’s shower ourselves with the things we need, the things that light us up, so that we can SHINE and THRIVE!

Let’s spread THAT around!

Clients ask me how to love themselves better all the time. And so with my mama’s inspiration I’m sharing just some of the ways to love yourself better…

This is just SOME ways. Use it to inspire you to find YOUR way.

47 Ways To Love Yourself Better

1. Examine the feeling of not being good enough and the reasons you struggle to love yourself and replace them with a sense of wonder and ease.
2. Create a long list of all the things you do well and read it to yourself often.
3. Say only nice things about your body and the amazing things it enables you to experience in your life.
4. Lift your head up as you walk – and SMILE as you go!
5. Listen to music with a positive message of life and love (try Blessed by Brett Dennen)
6. Hire a photographer to take amazing photos of yourself to see your beauty as others see it.
7. Make a list of all the things you’re grateful for about Who You Are.
8. Every night before bed tell yourself and your body how much you appreciate it.
9. Stand naked in front of the mirror and make peace with the physical body that houses Who You Really Are.
10. List 7 reasons why your hardest challenges or worst mistakes or most unloved qualities have been a beautiful thing for you.
11. Then ask yourself for forgiveness for not seeing it all earlier.
12. Tell others what you love about you.
13. STOP doing exercise that doesn’t make you smile or laugh! Go roller skating or dancing or trampolining instead!
14. Chew your food slowly, savor each flavor and focus on the nourishment you’re offering yourself.
15. Take everything out of your closet and only put back in the things that make you FEEL amazing when you wear them!
16. Allow yourself time to “do nothing”.
17. Give yourself time to understand that all these ways to love yourself need to be done with passion.
18. Stop making excuses for what you love and just LOVE IT OUT LOUD dammit!
19. If you’re not feeling “good” when someone asks how you are, give yourself permission to be authentic.
20. Spend lots of time in meditation or prayer or stillness.
21. Light candles, put on sexy music and make love to your own body.
22. Eat when you’re hungry. Rest when you’re tired. Tell the world your needs matter by making them a priority over the dishes or the laundry.
23. Surround yourself with tribes of amazing women who will remind you of Who You Are when you forget about the ways to love yourself.
24. Throw your head back and laugh out loud!
25. Two words: Body. Paint. (Bonus points if you share the photos.)
26. You know that one thing that looks so cool but you’ve been rattling off excuses why you can’t try it? Go do it.
27. Join an weekly self-portrait challenge and see yourself in a new light.
28. Understand how it is you learned to not love yourself so you don’t pass it on to your children.
29. Give yourself permission to sob when your heart is hurting.
30. Write down 5 ways to love yourself each morning before you even start your day.
31. Celebrate your scars and stretch marks
32. Commit to only using positive words to describe yourself…instead of “I don’t know how” say “I’ve yet to learn that”. “I screwed that up” becomes “I learned some really good things here.” I’m serious, try it.
33. Replace “have to” with “get to” and begin to see that life is always an opportunity for you to show off your prowess.
34. Find the one hairstyle that allows your inner self to glow and rock it – no matter how wild it is!
35. Create a list of people you deeply admire and why. Then remember that you can only admire in others what your heart calls it’s own Truth. Stand in that Truth and be what you admire.
36. Stop calling yourself “lazy” or “stupid” and replace it with a compassionate description of Who You Are
37. Buy or gather your favorite flowers, and write yourself a love note to go with it.
38. Make yourself a yummy meal or take yourself out to dinner to eat in the peaceful company of YOU.
39. Choose to be in a relationship with your life and experiences.
40. Give love to others, not because of who they are, but because of Who You Are.
41. Schedule your own spa day and pamper yourself. Include the kids! Or the partner! Or your best girlfriends!
42. Let your toes loose and go outside (or even to the store) barefoot and free.
43. Replace one food that makes you feel bad with one yummy food that makes you feel great.
44. Give yourself permission to say no to the things that make you unhappy and yes to the things you’d rather do instead.
45. Share a photo of your imperfect booty with the world.
46. Make one small space in your home a reflection of Who You Are – ditch what you don’t love or use often, paint the walls, bring in a comfy place to sit, light your candles, pile up your journal, books and art supplies, listen to inspiring music and dwell there often.
47. Write yourself a love letter. And frame that bad boy. Look at it anytime you need to remember how beautiful you are.

Because, sweetheart, you’re worth all that and more.

Join Us For a Facebook Chat

Jenn Gibson and I are hosting a Love Your Damn Self Already! Facebook chat and we’d love for you to pop over, share your Wisdom and your favorite ways to love yourself!

When: TONIGHT, Feb 6, 8pm-9pm(ish) Eastern/5pm Pacific
Where: The Organic Sister page

We live in an adult-centered, anti-child world where mistreatment of children is considered, not just appropriate, but preferred.

At best, kids are considered loud, messy and exhausting.

At worst, they are considered inherently “bad” and in need of training, which is usually doled out in the form of mental, emotional or physical abuse.

It’s true that children are the only group that is still boldly and legally discriminated against. They are the only people who are legally allowed to be hit, stolen from or held against their will. There is even a movement to ban the “brats” from public places based on nothing but their age.

Think about any of these sentiments said about a particular race and you’ll see my point. It is a very anti-child society we live within.

Of course, all of this instills in children a belief that they are less than, broken or bad. And unless they heal that belief, because children are the only oppressed group who will outgrow their oppression, it’s a belief they will continue to carry into their unoppressed adult life and inform every choice they make, including the treatment of the next generation.

So, we are essentially creating an entire culture of broken, hurting human beings for generations to come.

And I keep hearing so many parents complain about this and the so-called “brat bans”.

We are all appalled and offended when someone speaks condescendingly, assumes a child’s guilt or otherwise passes judgment on them based on their size.

But how many are doing anything about it?

Guess what?

If you want the anti-child treatment to change you’ve got to come out of your hiding places and start talking about.

Not just on Facebook.

Not just on your blog.

You need to start speaking up. At family reunions. At the grocery store. With your best friend. With strangers at the park.

You need to grow some cahones and start creating real awareness by speaking your Truth.

You need to live with Integrity.

Last week I got the opportunity to ask an older gentleman to drop some anti-semetic remarks he was making in front of us.

This was a strong, opinionated man who never backs down. He’s the kind of man that constantly makes racist, classist or sexist remarks and is used to winning arguments. The kind of man no one even bothers arguing with anymore.

I knew all of this going in. I’ve seen how people will sit uncomfortably and listen as he makes these remarks and not say a word, because they don’t feel it’ll help. They all looked pained as they shrug their shoulders and ask “What can I do?”

But I live by my own integrity.

And according to my integrity, all people should be treated with honor and respect and compassion. Even this man who was making anti-semetic remarks.

So with respect for him, I clearly stated that I was uncomfortable with his remarks, explained why and stated that I would appreciate them not happening in front of us.

Because I spoke with respect, not anger or fear, he did what no one had ever seen him do before.

He apologized and said he hadn’t looked at it that way.

We then went on to have a nice conversation for several more hours.

The One Rule To Speaking Your Truth

It doesn’t work when you speak from a place of anger or fear.

It doesn’t work when you fight or demand or criticize.

People shut down when they hear your anger, or feel attacked.

But people hear Truth.

Truth is not angry. It’s not fear-based. It’s not judgmental.

It’s just Truth.

And real Truth comes from a place of love. It comes with compassion and acceptance and gentleness. It doesn’t back down or hide.

And it speaks volumes louder than anger.

If we want to change these anti-child views…if we want to promote respect and love, compassion and kindness…we get to speak out while we set an example of what respect, love, compassion and kindness look like.

We get to live our Integrity out loud.

(And really, if you’re speaking with anger, are you really living your integrity?)

Change doesn’t happen by complaining about it.

Keep this in mind: the reason these anti-child (or racist or sexist or any-ist) sentiments make you uncomfortable is because you’re not living according to your own beliefs, your own integrity, when you don’t speak your Truth.

You’re sacrificing your beliefs to “keep the peace” (what peace?). And that’s uncomfortable!

To live with integrity means to take your authenticity and your Truth out of its box and into the world.

What do you know as Truth? What is holding you back from speaking your Truth with compassion and respect for everyone involved?

Because if you see the abuse and hate occurring towards children – or anyone else – and you do nothing about it…or you increase it with abuse and hatred of your own, whose really to blame here?

In your relationship with your children…

Your relationship with your partner…

Even your work or contribution to the world…

In your life, are you serving or are you being a servant?

There is a very distinct difference between the two.

The Servant

Picture the classical version of a servant; a person in servitude to another, who does their calling or bidding.

There may be little to no boundaries and she has little to no say in the demands made upon her. Her needs aren’t important, or as important, as the person or people she serves.

She is lower than, less than, beneath others. Her servitude is out of obligation: it’s a duty or a chore or a job, something that must be done.

The modern-day servant looks a lot like this:

You give to your loved ones, or even acquaintances, out of obligation. You often feel less important than or diminished or blocked by those in your life. Your actions breed resentment and anger in your life, and you find yourself playing the victim role of “others don’t care about me”, “I’m taken advantage of”, and even “No one will support me in that.”

Serving

Now imagine a host; a person who has invited her most revered and beloved guests into her home.

She is honored by their presence and delights in what they bring to the table, their unique contribution to the conversation. She is generous in what she offers them and does so out of Love.

Because they are her cherished guests, she is kind, patient and considerate of them. She offers them what she has learned they most love and earnestly wants to provide for their needs. She takes in account their individual personalities and preferences to create an experience they will enjoy.

She sees everyone, including her, as exceptional and equal in their own right and this is reflected in both her actions toward them and toward herself.

Behavior and Intention

The describable actions of the servant and the host might be the same:

• Both may prepare and offer food
• Both may clean and organize
• Both may listen and talk
• Both may be in charge of important and delicate matters

But the intentions behind their actions set them apart.

One is being used. One is making a genuine, generous, loving offer.

Both are making a choice.

Are you serving or being a servant?

Photo Credit

Did you know the American Psychological Association reports about 75% of the population attests to feeling stressed regularly, and a third of all Americans report extreme stress?

Yeah, I think it’s about time we start analyzing what we’re doing here.

(Photo Source)

The Physiology of Stress

If you’re not familiar with stress, I’m going to give you an oversimplified idea of what exactly it is: Stress is the physiological state our bodies take on when we perceive danger or are in any situation which requires an increased reaction.

Our adrenaline pumps, our heart races and we end up with more blood to our muscles to help us run away from the flesh-eating lions. Or bad guys.

Or these days, traffic.

What originated as an occasional life-saving response to certain dangerous situations has become an everyday response to everyday situations.

Our bodies can’t differentiate between becoming something’s dinner and forgetting to pick up dinner on the way home.

And the effects of stress are pretty huge: a weakened immune system, imbalanced hormones, belly fat, heart disease, fetal disruption in pregnant woman, improper body function (because stress hormones shut down all but the essential systems in your body to help you survive an attack…as the documentary stated, you don’t need to be ovulating when you’re running for your life), and even diminishing brain cells.

That last one probably explains a lot.

Of particular interest, though, were the two studies portrayed in the search for causes to our excessive stress in modern day living:

1. A long-term study done on baboons (the most diabolical, back-stabbing and malicious of primates, they said). These guys all had the same diet, the same living conditions, but also had a hierarchy in their tribe.
2. A European corporation where each person had identical health care benefits, but which also had a definite, established hierarchy. Can you see where they were going with this?

In each study the subject’s stress levels, health, happiness, ability to handle illness and life expectancy hinged not on their health care, but on where they ranked in the hierarchy.

The lower on the totem pole, the more stress and negative health impacts you experienced and the less happy you were.

The higher up, the healthier you were and longer you lived.

This was universal, across the board, in humans and animals and in multiple studies. Social ranking affects us. Social stress hurts us.

Our Social Structure is Killing Us

Do you see it too?

Our entire social structure – from politics to work to school to family life – is built upon a hierarchy.

In the political world, the very politicians who are meant to represent our choices make decisions without us. We make calls, we threaten, we argue and debate, we shake our fists and stress ourselves out over their misdeeds. Then out of fear – or possibly exhaustion – we vote them back in.

They control every aspect of our lives and freedoms
and we feel helpless.

At work, we have no autonomy, are spoken down to, mistrusted and lament that every moment of our work day (and many moments outside of work) are decided for us. Every deed is judged, our deadlines are tightened and we’re made to juggle more than we can handle. Work and life satisfaction mean little and we toe the line to meet the boss’s bottom line.

We sign over our lives for the false
promise of security.

School is probably the most obvious. Constant scrutiny and judgment, condescension, lack of respect for personal choices (we at least choose our jobs and our politicians, to some extent)…most students aren’t even allowed to control their own bodies and are told when to eat and pee and how fast to do it. Their work is criticized in front of their peers and every moment is determined and judged by someone else’s standards.

Instead of ensuring success, it’s training us for
more of the same.

And family life is not much different. Rights and “privileges” are doled out by one or two established rulers, based on age and accomplishments. Choices are not mutually agreed upon. Again, even basic body functions – such as hunger or sleep – are not entrusted to the people to whom they belong. Autonomy is lost. Trust is compromised. And we all suffer.

After a lifetime of practice,
it’s hard to see another possible way to interact.

We learn it as toddlers, it’s reestablished as children and teens, and by the time we’re adults it’s so firmly ingrained in our way of thinking that we can’t get out from under it.

We’re training stress, disease and unhappiness into our culture.

Science Reaffirms The Alternative

Don’t you love when you know the answer and science backs up your own experiences?

This documentary and all the research reaffirmed what many of us already know: that there are two main determiners to decreased social stress, increased health and long-term happiness.:

Autonomy. And connection.

(Could it be any more tailored to the message of this blog?)

Every study in the documentary showed that environments lacking an authoritative or authoritarian leader, places that we feel in control and conditions where the general energy is cooperative, mutually respectful and built on the premise of equality that stress levels and health issues were dramatically decreased.

The more choices you  control, the more time you spend on the things of your choosing and the more equal freedom you enjoy in your life, the healthier and happier you’ll be.

The research and studies also showed why: humans (and primates) that felt a part of a compassionate, connected and mutually respectful tribe increase something called telomerase, an enzyme used to mend our cells and keep us healthy.

Yup, that’s right…

Things like love, laughter, a feeling of belonging, caring for one another, autonomy, validation, equality and generosity actually HEALS our bodies.

It’s everything I’ve talked about in Being Organic: An Invitation to Change Your World.

It’s organic learning, organic living, organic Being.

And in the coming months this blog is going to evolve to reflect that even more. Subscribe, sign up and stay tuned.

So, now I’m turning this post over to you…

What are the things in your life that are causing you social stress or providing you healing?

What is it that is fostering connection and autonomy, both personally and in your relationships?

Because the science is in and our health depends on it.

The intentions might be well-meaning but the message still feels pretty miserable: Parenting sucks, it’s too hard for you to do alone, you’re too young to do this right and oh, by the way, you’re doomed to be single and miserable because no guy will ever date a woman with a kid.

To one extent or another, by someone in my young life, I was told those things. And I could talk at length at about each one of them and what they did to my thoughts and intentions.

But I’m going to focus on the last one right now.

…you’re doomed to be single and miserable because no guy will ever date a woman with a kid.

It was a pretty classic men-are-dogs message that I heard and a fairly damaging one at that. Not only was I was told to hate Zeb’s bio-dad, I was told to expect the worst from any other man I happened to come across.

And it was total bullshit.

There are men out there who aren’t acting maliciously toward their children or the mother’s of their children. There are men out there who are nothing but human beings doing the best they can with what they have.

There are good men out there who do incredible things for children who are and aren’t biological their own.

I’m married to one. And I had a child with another.

Really Emotional News

Zeb’s bio-dad backed out of the picture when Zeb was two. He wasn’t a “dead beat dad”…he was a deeply conflicted and hurting man. He was living the consequences of several negative choices he had made. And he was doing the best he could with the tools he had.

By leaving, he did the very best thing for his son at that time.

It takes an incredible amount of strength to do that and I won’t begrudge him that.

Justin came into our lives when Zeb was only one year old. I don’t remember when Zeb started calling him Dad, probably somewhere around the age of three, when we were married.

Over the past ten years of the three of us being together, I’ve watched this remarkable man stretch himself to grow into the father that Zeb needed him to be. I’ve watched him teach Zeb to ride a bike, play catch or just cuddle on the couch together. I’ve watched the two of them fight together and fart together…you know, like fathers and sons do.

Over the past ten years, there has never been any doubt in anyone’s minds that Justin is Zeb’s dad, but inspired by Heather, we decided to align the legalities with the Truth.

Justin, with the help of Zeb’s bio-dad, is adopting Zeb.

I’m overwhelmed by these two amazing men: One, who had the courage and love to step into fatherhood so many years ago…

And the other, with more love than I’ve ever heard in anyone’s voice, through his own pain and without any ego, gave the greatest gift to his child that he had to give.

My heart is so full of love for Zeb’s bio-dad. I hold no resentment or anger toward him. I see his heart and I know he’s only ever done the best he could.

My heart is so full of passion for my husband and Zeb’s Dad. He fills our lives with his love each and every day. This adoption is just paperwork to confirm what’s been true for years.

Such enormous choices, such enormous gifts.

Only truly incredible men can do what they have both done.

Here’s to good men everywhere, doing the best they can and in unconventional ways.

***************************

Some people are raised to people-please, to defer to others. I was raised to have an opinion, to speak into it, and to be willing to do something different. I valued my personal autonomy over everything else. And with that, over the years, my life’s timeline had a string of friendships that were left or abandoned along the way.

For years, I didn’t know for sure why friends left, or friendships with potential never lifted off the ground. I had my theories–perhaps I was just more mature than my peers in my teens and early 20s? Perhaps I was seen as boring because I didn’t drink? Perhaps it was that I spent the first 24 years of my life in the more conservative Midwest, and sexism was to blame?

I lifted my chin high and decided that if people didn’t like an opinion, this was their problem, not mine.

Yet somehow it continued to rankle me that the choice would seemingly be between assertiveness versus having close friends. The old adage is to “just be yourself,” yet when I was just being me, people left, and it was getting painful. I started trying to state my opinions in what I called my “I’m being really nice voice.” As in, “I’m saying something you don’t want to hear, but I’m being really nice as I’m saying it.”

No dice. And despite my tough exterior, I lived with anxiety that the people in my life might at any moment decide that something about me was too much to handle, and leave.

Then came the “A-ha! moment.”

I was an assistant at a workshop and we were about to finish up an activity. We needed people to circle up and stay together for three minutes, tops. However, one of the participants was on her way out of the room to use the restroom. I felt stress at trying to round up 60 people within the next 60 seconds, and a little annoyed that this person was leaving. “We’re about to finish up,” I told her in my “I’m trying to be really nice” voice. A flicker of irritation come over her face. She went back into the room.

Right behind her was one of my fellow assistants, also heading out the door. “Oh, we’re about to start,” I said to that assistant, again in my “I’m trying to be really nice” voice, though internally I was annoyed that she wasn’t helping.

“Well, I’m going to the bathroom!” she said, walking past me.

I sighed, went into the main room, and replayed what had just happened in my head. I hadn’t ordered anyone around, and I had used my nice voice, but people were still upset. Wasn’t I just enacting my assistant role?

This incident was a little microcosm of my life. I tried to shrug it off, but it continued to bother me.

Later that evening, when the workshop had wrapped and the assistants had gathered for our end-of-day meeting, I brought up what had happened. The assistant who had been leaving the room that afternoon said, “I was going to talk to you about that. It really upset me that you were blocking the door!”

Okay–now I was thoroughly confused. What was she talking about? Blocking the door–was she crazy? I was just doing my job as an assistant, rounding people up, wasn’t I? But then–gently but clearly–another assistant in the group shared that sometimes, they’d noticed that my demeanor seemed standoffish or brusque. I began to cry.

I told the group that I’d noticed a lifelong pattern where inexplicably, people had reacted to me in these ways. I didn’t understand why…and would give anything to know. And when my tears flowed, more than one person gently said that they were sharing feedback in an effort to help.

We closed our meeting that night and I headed home feeling utterly broken open and still lacking answers or understanding. I was embarrassed, completely confronted by a message that I couldn’t take in.

I was winding through a stretch of the Oakland Hills that overlooks the entire San Francisco Bay Area. The sun was getting low, casting a golden glow on everything, and I was crying and hitting my steering wheel because all of this ached so deeply in me.

And then: I got it.

My tears stopped in seconds, as I internalized it: my energy was stronger than my words. I hadn’t told anyone that they “shouldn’t” go to the bathroom–that would be crazy–but my energy had. The energy I carried had communicated my judgements that I was right and someone else’s behavior was wrong. In fact, my judgement had been so strong that it had left someone with the impression that I was–ludicrous as it sounds–blocking a door!

It was suddenly clear that the energy I held around negative judgements of others had been the cause of painful isolation–not simply having opinions. I replayed years of interactions in my head, of times when my word choices had been “I” statements and my tone of voice softened, yet the other party had still thought I was a jerk. I realized that in every single one of those interactions, without exception, I’d had strong judgements about the other person–what they should do, how they should be.

The “I’m trying to be really nice” voice would never override the energy of negative judgement.

During my life, some people had called me a bitch when they sensed my judgements. Others had been unable to identify what was “off” about our interactions and simply left the relationship.

But this was the first time I’d had understanding–within a group that genuinely cared, and genuinely wanted to help me shift anything that I was committed to shifting. This group saw beyond my actions and into the small, scared parts of me that used judgement as a form of control–they saw that I didn’t have practice in being any other way. They lovingly supported me in changing.

That is the power of love–a lifelong habit, shifted in literally one day.

I share this story hoping that everyone will recognize that when we don’t like a behavior in someone else, but we meet their behavior with more of the same–rejecting them, shouting them down, putting them down, hurting them back–we don’t actually effect change.

Not one person who ever called me a bitch ever had me thinking that I was in the wrong and needed to change. Instead, I would think: “How could I be the bitch? You’re the one doing the name calling!” Not one friend who stopped returning phone calls ever helped me to see the connection between my behavior and their leaving.

How many times have you seen or been a part of a group that gossips about someone else, and then someone says something to the effect of, “She needs to get a clue!” Guess what?

That person might have “inappropriate” tattooed on their face, and they’re still not going to understand what isn’t working about their behavior until they are met with kindness and compassion, and your willingness to help them shift.

That’s what my group of assistants gave me that day, and it changed my life. I began calling people that very night to share with them what I’d realized, and to apologize for any times they might have felt me carrying an energy of judgement about their choices.

The even bigger gift? Now I could work on the distracting drama of judging others, and turn the light inward–Where was I judging myself? Why was some scared part of me using judgement to control or isolate? There were opportunities to heal, here–big ones. And nothing beats being able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you’re stepping into a bigger space of integrity.

Kindness matters–in fact, it makes all the difference in the world.

The question put before each of us becomes how much we’re willing to choose kindness in those moments when it seems easier to simply reject. This isn’t just about relationships between people anymore, as we live in a world where, increasingly, violence begets violence. So if it were your personal challenge to treat kindness as a value, then I ask: Which of us will step up first, to change?

————

Kate Swoboda is a life coach, teacher and writer living in the San Francisco Bay Area. In January 2011, she’ll be launching the Courageous Living Guides, a series of topical, downloadable e-programs combining the written word, exercises, videos and interviews focused on transforming fear and living big.

I know myself. I know that I will be stuck until I have two things: a platform to express and the validation that Where I Am is okay. This blog gives me the first; my husband and all of your deep, thoughtful and soul-dripping comments give me the second.

There are times when we need to mope and be in the thick of it (we can’t get through it without going through it). It’s where I’ve been the past few days. Then there are times when Life snorts at your experience and throws another into the mix and you have little choice but to roll with it.

Yes, just less than 24 hours after the first blow, we were dealt another. And again, in reality, it’s not a really big deal. But when you’re already neck-deep in yuck, it sure feels like a kick in the teeth.

Yesterday we got a notice that we are not allowed to park Benny in front of my parent’s house. We had 72 hours to move. 72 hours to do what we wanted another two weeks to accomplish.

Oh trust me, I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry and throw a fit and curse the neighbor who complained. But I kept my composure…there were people present after all. Instead, I acquiesced to the moment, scraped my heart off the floor and allowed the experience to propel me.

Movement through madness is a healing salve.

As your kind words poured in, we packed up our household and moved it all into my parent’s garage. As your comments brought me to tears, we moved our clothing into their spare room. As I absorbed your love and your Truth, we got Benny ready to move - without us.

I felt a little like a person getting ready to take her dog to the pound. Guilty and apologetic and tearful. We are attached after all, Benny and I. He’s my Dream-maker, my first liberator, and moving on from that grips at my chest.

Last night, with Zeb at a sleepover with his Gramma, Justin and I slept in Benny for the last time. And as we laughed and reminisced, in my heart I started to let go of my fear.

With the threat of entrapment still lingering over my dreams, watching Benny lumbering behind me down the road and leaving him behind at my father-in-law’s home for the time being took a lot of deep breaths. It was scary. On one hand it’s a necessary step. In order to get the new rig, we have to let the old one go.

But in letting Benny go I was relinquishing my freedom. For awhile at least, I have no means of escape. He’s my last tangible tie to life on the road. And that, my friends, takes a large heaping of Trust.

I’m breathing deep. I’m trusting my dreams are real and valid and happening. I’m trusting our perseverance and ingenuity to keep us from stagnancy in this place we so badly don’t want to be. I’m (just barely, mostly unwillingly, hardly contentedly) trusting the timing of it all. And I’m trusting we are loved and not alone in this, too. I’m not alone in this.

Alone is a scary place to be. But I know it’s a place I choose. I push companionship away when I hurt. I hurt myself deeper, really. But I am loved and blessed. Justin knows me. He knows to hold me when I tell him I want to be alone. He gives me the space to Be and the space to grow, a space that just happens to be within his arms. And my once battered heart is reminded again that it’s a safe place to be.

Life is challenging me, offering a long-avoided opportunity to heal. It’s requesting I stretch in order to grow. These are my growing pains. This is my growth spurt. As hard as it is to say at times, I know this place is good.

There’s an epidemic that has infiltrated our culture. It creeps in to families and relationships and make us all sick. Sick of each other, really.

It’s the If/Then Syndrome, sometimes referred to as the When/Then Syndrome. And it gets us all at some point. It’s that tit for tat behavior that we all loathe, and yet it’s just as much a part of us as we feel it is of anyone else. Some examples of its symptoms:

• If she’s going to be rude to her kids, then I’m going to tell her off.
• If he’s gonna yell at me, then I’m gonna yell back.
• When you act nice to me, then I’ll act kind in return.
• When you help me with the chores, then I’ll pay you.
• But if you don’t help me, then I’ll be moody and passive-aggressive.
• When he apologizes, then I’ll stop giving him the cold shoulder.
• If she cheats on me, then I’ll cheat on her.

Truly, it’s all equal and it’s all pretty immature thinking. But the most mature among us fall victim to it. We apply it to our parenting, our partners, and our friendships.

It’s not entirely our fault. It’s the culture we live in, one based on rewards and punishments. We feel that every action must be met with an equal (or greater) reaction. We give kids grades based on their performance, allowance based on their contributions, attention based on their behavior. We give our spouses snide comments or biting retorts. We give others parents pointed looks, or offer hurtful, harsh remarks. And we say (and truly feel) that things won’t change unless we do these things.

We’re a culture of human reactors.

I’ve just realized I do it all the time. If Justin isn’t helping out, I am moody or unhelpful in return. If Zeb is cranky, I act cranky right back. It’s stupid, really because here’s the thing:

I need to be Who I Am, not because of anyone else, but because it’s who I want to be.

I want to be the kind, patient, compassionate mother, not to get a particular behavior from my son, but because I want to be that mother.

I want to be the generous, loving wife, not to get something from my husband, but because that’s the lover I want to be.

And what does it say about ourselves otherwise?

We expect kids and adults to “take responsibility” for their own actions and we don’t allow them to use others as a scapegoat for their own behavior. Then we yell, punish, criticize, humiliate, embarrass, lose our tempers or our patience and we say it’s because of something they did. We say it’s because we have to make a difference, because they need to change, because of some outcome if we don’t.

Bullshit.

It’s not because of what they do; it’s because of something we do. We base our actions off our expectations, instead of our intent. We sacrificed who we want to be because they aren’t being who we think they should be. And when we didn’t get what we wanted (and how often does coercion really result in real cooperation anyway?) we responded with something akin to a temper tantrum.

How can we possibly expect our children to do something we ourselves can’t master?

This is what unconditional love is about: That we continue to love a person in the same exact way regardless of whether they are being kind or mean, helpful or disruptive, quiet or loud, thoughtful or inconsiderate, joyful or short-tempered, patient or rude.

Anything less is not unconditional love. It’s fair-weather friendship, it’s the parent who isn’t there when their child is hurting, the partner who leaves you feeling alone. And if love is not unconditional, we’d better not call is love at all.

Over the past few weeks, with engine problems and stress pouring out of our ears, I’ve been told by nearly everyone that it all happens for a reason; it all works out for the greater good, that we are exactly where we need to be. It’s so easy to apply that principle to things like dead batteries or a long pause in your plans. But why don’t we apply the same principle to our relationships?

If we truly believe we are exactly where we need to be in tough times, that there are no accidents, and that it all happens for a reason, how can we try to change someone at all? Every mood, every attitude, every hurtful or kind word, every helpful or hindering action from our children, spouses, friends or loved ones is exactly where and what it needs to be.

It’s all good, even the messy, the hurtful, the disruptive. It’s all opportunity, experience, chances for understanding, an occasion for contrast, a space in which to learn. Not just for them, maybe not for them at all. Maybe it’s just there for us.

There is always a bigger picture to view. We get all caught up in the details of the moment, the stories we tell ourselves, without ever remembering one of the most important reasons for the moment, for life at all: Growth.

And only by meeting people where they are and accepting them for who they are in that very moment while remaining who we want to be, do we give anyone the opportunity to grow. Only by being the person we want to be can we allow others to be who they are, as well. Only by accepting ourselves as imperfect first, can others accept their own imperfections.

Only through unconditional love and compassion can anything be okay.

In Vegas my happy spot was a lawn chair in my yard. Our garden made it considerably cooler and I loved being around even that smallish patch of green. I loved to sit and envision what we planned to make of it. I saw a deeply mulched oasis of perennials and annuals to feed us and the beloved little birds that had found their way to our burgeoning space.

That feels so long ago, hardly even recognizable as my life.

I must admit I never feel so at peace as I do sitting in the passenger seat, my love beside me and my baby chillaxin in the back. Just sitting, reflecting, opening to new horizons. This is my happy place.

That was my Facebook status awhile ago. And the words don’t do justice to the love dripping off me at the time as I contrasted my former happy place to my current one.

There is one big difference in these two happy places: the first was full of daydreams and wishes, a quiet kind of vision of “what could be” masking a deeper feeling of dissatisfaction and off-ness.

But this current happy place of mine is full of Right Now, of gratitude over the blessings I already have. It’s not a hope of what could be but a feeling of real Joy over what already is.

I’m not silly enough to think that our current lifestyle will be available to us forever. But I’m soaking up what I can. And I pray – with all my soul – that this Joy will accompany us along whatever road we drive.

Where is your happy place?

Current Location: Southern Utah heading toward Zion National Park with the Parent family.

In case you haven’t noticed, I changed my header. It now contains toes. My toes.

This is kind of a huge deal for me. I’ve always been self-conscious about my toes, mainly because so many people comment on the fact that they are long and my second toe is longer than my big toe. So I’ve always done a bit of hiding my toes (only a bit, closed-toe shoes in the summer are outrageously uncalled for, after all).

But my new header makes me smile. Even giggle a little, on the inside. There are my toes, hanging out for the world to see. And I couldn’t be more pleased with them.

For several reasons really: first, that header is a cropped portion of my first officially SOLD photo and that makes me very, very happy; and second, knowing my toes are hanging on someone’s wall makes me really appreciate them.

It’s funny how knowing someone else loves something about you makes you love it. As if we can’t see it without the help of others. It’s also funny that once you start to love something you realize all kinds of great things about it.

But isn’t that true of many things?

The more passionate someone is for something, the more that passion infects others.

And the more we make up our mind to love someone for all their quirks, the more their once annoys quirks delight us.

My long toes have amazing benefits, after all:

• I’m pretty sure they help me balance. I’ve always been a good tree climber, balance beam walker and tip-toer, thanks to these amazing appendages of mine. Some people say it may even make me a faster runner.
• These long toes of mine are great for picking up small items when my hands are full. Coins, pencils, toys…it comes in handy, I tell ya.
• They are good at gripping the floor during physical therapy exercises or yoga poses to keep me from slipping. I think it makes me a good barefoot walker too.
• My toes spread out easily. I’m sure there is a benefit to less rubbing of the toes…decreased likelihood of athlete’s foot maybe?
• I can use my toes to freak my hubby out. I can do this thing with my little toe, making it spread out to the side without any other toe moving. It’s the only thing that weirds him out. So I do it a lot.

There are other things I still don’t feel good about seeing on myself; things you’ll likely never see in my header. But it feels good to see my toes and smile at them, reminding myself to love them unconditionally for exactly what they are.

What quirk of your own makes you smile?

Current Location: Dallas, TX for the Rethinking Everything Conference!