Playful Parenting: My Thoughts

playful parentingYou can put me down as one more voice enthusiastically recommending the book, Playful Parenting!
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It was truly fantastic, forever going in my Top Five parenting books, directly behind Alfie Kohn and Naomi Aldort. The author, Lawrence Cohen, speaks from the same radical view – that children are individuals deserving of respect and patience as they learn to navigate a very frustrating and overwhelming world. But while Kohn leaves a person lacking in much practical advice and Aldort takes a more compassionate route, Cohen’s approach is well…playful!

Cohen states that most parent/child problems stem from disconnection, in which kids feel locked within towers of isolation or powerlessness. And he describes quite well the value of play in helping our children process their experiences, giving them a sense of power and autonomy and fostering trust and connection between us. He advocates tuning into a child’s needs; that it takes a parent less time to meet the need than to fight for our own way and that meeting those needs (for attention, time, quiet, listening, food, sleep, affection, play) does not in any circumstance mean you’re “rewarding negative behavior”.

I’m always amazed when adults say that children “just did that to get attention”. Naturally children who need attention will do all kinds of things to get it. Why not just give it to them?

I couldn’t help but find myself smiling throughout the first several chapters as he related stories of the silliness he subjects his ego to for the sake of connecting with a child. It was also exciting to read so much practical wisdom without so much of a hint of holier-than-thou condescension (he often relates his own parenting blunders), or top-down authority over children. Cohen’s emphasis stays true to respectful and compassionate parenting.

Perhaps the best chapters where the last ones all about how to gently take the lead in play when we see our children need help, learning to love the games we hate to play, handling the strong emotions that arise from both our children and ourselves, taking care of ourselves so that we can take care of our children, and of course, the obligatory chapter on discipline.

That chapter, Rethinking The Way We Discipline, was fantastic, I might add. Cohen spoke strongly against punishments and behavior modification and echoed what most of we all already feel: it doesn’t work and rarely comes up when we are connected with our children.

I think it’s obvious by now that I see most “behavior” as really just a matter of disconnection. Children who feel connected also feel inclined to be cooperative and thoughtful. So instead of punishment, which tends to create an even bigger disconnection between parent and child, try thinking about how to reestablish a connection….Most punishments involve exerting power over a child, which just increases his or her sense of isolation and powerlessness.

I think the only thing that really challenged me about this book were his repeated techniques for dealing with fears, in which he describes pretending to have the same fear and acting it out himself in an exaggerated way. Although he does state to watch for signs the child feels teased, I find it hard to believe, based on our own personal experiences and sensitivities, that such things could come off any other way but teasing. Therefore the technique seemed a little cold-hearted to me, whereas validation and time have always worked best for us. Again, that’s just been my own experience.

I borrowed this book from the library, but it definitely needs to go on my shelf. There are a few chapters I would like to reread, such as Accept Strong Feelings (Theirs and Ours) and Learn To Love The Games You Hate. Both of those are things I struggle with and both are demanding my attention right now.

Reading: The Highly Sensitive Child

For reasons I’m not quite ready to elaborate on (and some you already know), life is a bit stressful right now.

So, I’m doing what any woman in her right mind should do: I’m postponing the chores, stocking up on long-awaited library loaners and curling up for some much needed down time.

41DG2CJWM0L__SL160_I just finished The Highly Sensitive Child and my mind is reeling with thoughts. I can’t say that I loved it, although I did appreciate it. I ran across the theory several months ago and it really resonated with me.
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I would consider both Zeb and myself to be “highly sensitive people” – more easily affected by our surroundings or our emotions, irritated by noises or sensations that others don’t notice, and needing lots of time away from stimulation to feel balanced and whole, among other things. So by reading this book, I hoped for some more insight both into myself and Zeb, who can sometimes struggle more than others.

A note on the use of labels:

I’ve actively resisted labels in my own life and in the classification of my child. It’s not that I felt labels were evil; they help convey a message or classify our own stance. But I know the danger the respresent too, and how few of them actually fit the person they are blanketed over. But when I first came across this label, it just didn’t bother me. I realize for many it will and I totally get that. But I think for me, it was more validating than pigeon-holing. I also appreciated that the author states it is a blanket statement to define a variety of traits and that no two HSPs are alike. To me, it feels more like a tool to better communicate a personality, than a label to lock a person into a way of being.

Overall, the message of the book was that of acceptance and patience, which is both validating and conforting. But it still missed the mark for me. I think it was that some of her examples still came from such a traditional parenting standpoint, which doesn’t resonate with me personally.

However, I think the book was good in conveying that HSCs (highly sensitive children) are not abnormal and should be treated with compassion and understanding. There were many examples of advocating for our kids and listening to them. And there were plenty of techniques for handling itchy clothing, large crowds or other common issues. But I found less than I hoped for handling the more difficult aspects of sensitivity, such as when the world can seem depressing or an HSC can feel hopeless in it.

She included a blurb on homeschooling as an alternative, without much knowledge on the subject but huge amounts were dedicated to dealing with school. These were helpful in some ways, offering a few tips that could relate to us, but large portions were skimmed over as things like homework just didn’t apply.

One of the things that has most been on my mind, and I was surprised to see so little mentioned, was overstimulation from video games, computers and the like. I was hoping for an HSP perspective, rather than the typical ‘it’s all bad’ viewpoint you encounter when trying to find open, honest dialogue on the pros and cons of the topic. (I have a lot more to say about this in particular but I need to organize my own thoughts a bit more first.)

Overall, the book was great at affirming to parents that it’s okay; your kid is okay and they will be okay in the future. But the actual practical advice was nothing extraordinary that I haven’t read from the likes of Naomi Aldort or Alfie Kohn…just coming from an HSP perspective. I probably could’ve gotten away with reading the first section, explaining the traits, and the last section on kids and adolescents and been happy. I am still glad I read it and I do still recommend it for anyone raising an HSC, or even one who feels they were an HSC, but I probably got more from Allowing Your Highly Sensitive Child to Shine With Unschooling.

I’m still looking forward to reading The Highly Sensitive Person (hoping it will convey more helpful ideas and understanding for both of us), but I just started Playful Parenting and I’m loving it too much to put down!

What good parenting books have you read lately?

Weapons of Mass Instruction: Review

weapons_of_mass_instruction

I just finished reading John Taylor Gatto’s Weapons of Mass Instruction: A Schoolteacher’s Journey through the Dark World of Compulsory Schooling.

It’s been a long time since I’ve read a book so thought-provoking, and not because I necessarily agreed with it all as I assumed I would, because I’m not sure I especially do. But I do know I want to know more.

Of course, coming from an unschooler one would think I’m particularly anti-school. And although I do share the tendencies, I try not to share the opinion. I’ve seen enough unschooled kids choose schooling and know that for some it is the only escape they have. But what I do feel – and what has been confirmed in Gatto’s book – is that school is falling short and that just might be their purpose.

In the first chapter, “Everything You Know About School Is Wrong”, Gatto clearly spells out his unique brand of cynicism with excerpts and quotes from some of the founders of the public education model, this being only one example taken from a 1906 document from Rockefellar’s General Education Board called Occasional Letter Number One:

“We shall not try to make these people or any of their children into philosophers or men of learning or men of science. We have not to raise up from among them authors, educators, poets or men of letters. We shall not search for embryo great artists, painters, musicians, nor lawyers doctors, preachers, politicians, statesmen, of whom we have ample supply. The task we set before ourselves is simple…We will organize children…and teach them to do in a perfect way the things their fathers and mothers are doing in an imperfect way.”

He goes on to talk about the dumbing down of curricula, the elimination of community oversight, and the influence of geneticists, such as this:

On April 11, 1933, the president of the Rockefellar Foundation, Max Mason, announced a comprehensive national program underway, with the help of the Foundation, to allow “the control of human behavior.” School figured heavily in its design. Max Muller, an Eastern European geneticist, inspired Rockefellar to invest heavily in control of human evolution. …In Muller’s mind, as to Galton and Darwin before him, planned breeding of human beings was the key to paradise….Muller won the Nobel Prize and reduced his scheme to a 1,500-word Geneticists Manifesto…State action should separate worthwhile breeding stock from the great mass of evolutionary dead end material…In simple language, on the most basic level of institutional management, smart kids had to be kept from stupid ones.

The negative contributions to the school model he cites are numerous. But I more enjoyed the stories that clearly dispel the myth that “schooling = education = success” and advocates that “unschooled” [his word, not mine!] individuals do not equate uneducated or unsuccessful, such as:

  • Jonathan Goodwin: A 7th grade dropout who engineers technology which could gives cars 60 to 100 miles per gallon and push emissions near zero.
  • Nick Shulman: High school dropout, turned poker “addict” turned poker champion and millionaire who decided in his 20′s to take up philosophy
  • Ingvar Kamprad: Diagnosed as dyslexic in school, he started out by selling matches and fish from a bicycle and went on to found IKEA. Nuff said!
  • Craig Venter and Frances Collins: The former a “horrible student” and “beach bum”; the latter a homeschooler who “studied whatever he wanted”; jointly mapped the human genome.

He speaks what he sees as the causes of a declining creativity, childhood obesity and diabetes, his belief of the artificial extension of childhood and his opinions of passivity in children and adults. This short story sticks out to me most:

When asked to describe the most important lesson of [Andrew Hsu's] life…he said it was the story told to him by his father about the method of training fleas…The story his father told goes like this: If you put fleas in a shallow container they jump out. But if you put a lid on the container for just a short time, they hit the lid trying to escape and learn quickly not to jump so high. They give up their quest for freedom. After the lid is removed, the fleas remain imprisoned by their own self-policing. So it is with life. Most of us let our own fears or the impositions of others imprison us in a world of low expectations.

Reading that, my whole life as a schoolteacher flashed before my eyes. I had been hired to put the lid on the petri dish which the kids would butt their heads trying to follow their own path until one day, exhausted, they would quit trying. At that point they would be fit subjects to train.

My Only Caveat

One thing that bothered me was a lack of references to his sources. He fully intrigued me but without few bread crumb trails to follow myself! Also, he seemed to imply that from school admin up to state Senators were in on one giant scheme. I personally don’t think too many politicians, especially those schooled themselves, are really that intelligent to mastermind such a plot to rob us of our children. I do, however, feel that they may have been sold the theory of schooling while they themselves were children and are also obviously serving their own best interests (or the interests of their lobbyists).

On a more personal level I can’t get behind what I perceive as Gatto’s underlying message of “tough love” for children. Instead of coming from a place of support, following the cues of our children and allowing them the freedom to learn and explore, he seemed to ooze a bit of the archaic standard that kids past the age of toddlerhood are really just small adults and should be treated as such. I fully support the 6 year old who wants emulate his dad, but I don’t support the idea that we shouldn’t still nurture (not to be confused with overprotect) their innocence.

Another complaint is in regards to his opinion of television (says the woman without one). He confesses to be on the board of advisers for the organization, TV-Free America and lists his complaints with what he views as addictive. While in many cases, I can see his point, I feel that working off of studies that include children who do NOT have control of their education or their time but are instead (in his words) trained to be sedentary, does not give an accurate picture of the positive (or null) effects of television on those given the freedom to freely choose it.

And a bit of irony for me, was his opinion that computers and the internet carry the same dangers as television…while laced throughout this former English teacher’s book, instead of a bibliography, he suggests Googling the subject matter. ;)

Gatto’s Solution

Gatto’s proposed first step in overthrowing a broken system outlined in the afterword of the book is by far the most intriguing part for me. I won’t spoil it for you but I will say I’m curious if it could work. It would call on millions, not only parents but teens, in a grassroots effort rarely seen in our era of apathy. It’s peaceful, calm and would be a bit amusing to witness the befuddlement that would ensue. It would be only one step in unhinging the great machine that is standardization and compulsory schooling; one tiny step toward a better model of education. But would it work?

Whether you have kids or simply once was a kid, whether you’re an advocate of homeschooling, unschooling or private or public school and especially if you are a teacher or plan to be a teacher, I’d suggest reading this book. You may not agree with all of it but it will certainly give you something to chew on.

On (and off) The Nightstand

goodharborGood Harbor: A Novel by Anita Diamant

She’s the author of The Red Tent, one of my all-time favorite books. In The Red Tent she weaved a beautiful tale of feminine and familial connection and empowerment based on an obscure character in the old testament. I was hoping Good Harbor, a story of two female friends would be similarly enchanting but I was really disappointed.

I could see the effort the author was trying to concoct but the story lacked any real emotion for me. The characters were predictable and their friendship was lackluster to say the least. The bond she created in The Red Tent was missing in this book and since that was what I was looking for, I found little else to enjoy.

onethousandwhitewomenOne Thousand White Women: The Journals of May Dodd by Jim Ferguson

I really enjoyed this book and it’s complexities. The book is a work of fiction based on what could have been if the Cheyenne nation were granted the “one thousand white women” they requested of the U.S. Government to help assimilate themselves into modern culture. I thought it’s portrayal of the Cheyenne people was interesting and was pretty impressed over the male author’s ability to write so well from a female perspective. This was one of those books I read slowly, not really wanting it to end and half wishing it were based on a true character. Definitely recommended.

worldmadebyhandWorld Made by Hand: A Novel by James Howard Knustler

Despite never being sure how to pronounce his last name, I’ve wanted to read this one for awhile. I really like him as a speaker and blunt social critic and support his views on peak oil, as well as some of his proposed solutions. I read a lot of mixed reviews about this book and now I’m going to add one more to that list.

The premise behind the fiction is a post-oil world based on our failure to meet the need for alternatives. It threw in some variables, such as war and a defunct government, and it seemed to imply it was the U.S. that was affected the most – maybe only. I enjoyed reading Knustler’s ideas on how a dentist might continue to practice without electricity and how people were digging up old landfills for materials.

That being said the characters were flat, the dialogue horribly bland, the writing choppy and dull, the plot boring. I thought some of the scenarios were a little outlandish, reminding me of something along the lines of Mad Max or Escape from LA. And being that this is speculative writing, I guess I must add I have a different view of how things would be given the same circumstances.

I loved the ideas behind this book but think the premise would have been better written by someone like Barbara Kingsolver. ;)

What are you reading lately?

Gaia’s Garden, Second Edition: A Guide to Home-Scale Permaculture

Gaias Garden
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When thinking about where to begin in reviewing Gaia’s Garden, Second Edition: A Guide To Home-Scale Permaculture, I’m overwhelmed. There is just so much to say! We picked it up at the urging of a friend, scoring the second edition just as it was released. I don’t buy new books very often, but this was an exception I was excited to make.

I had only caught small glimpses of the books contents and while I had a mild understanding of permaculture, the practice of it had been eluding me. As I’ve come to find out, permaculture is a theory and describing it is a little like describing color to a blind man. Until you see it, you don’t really get it. Or at least I didn’t.

Gaia’s Garden cleared up any confusion! Not only did it clearly and concisely explain the theory, it gave numerous examples and applications. This book is jam-packed and my mind is still absorbing it. One thing is for certain, it has completely changed both Justin and my outlooks on gardening.
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Theory and Practice

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Gaias Garden - Keyhole Gardens
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To put it as simply as possible, the theory behind permaculture (a contraction of “permanent agriculture”) is to design our gardens to emulate and therefore work *with* nature, rather than against it. Toby Hemenway, the author of Gaia’s Garden, draws on several references to explain the symbiotic relationships found in the wild – from “invasive” plants (which he describes as merely ”opportunistic”) to tree guilds, animals and insects. What he describes in his book are techniques to closely imitate these relationships, thus creating a self-sustaining and low-maintenance oasis with multiple functions.

The book covers such things as stacking functions, assisting soil life, greywater systems, insects and animals, and the abundant use of perennials. The author discusses things such as wind barriers, swales, land surveying, the efficient use of space and edges, poly-cultures and a myriad of diverse plants and their uses. He describes input vs output, describing that if we take the careful time first in design and planning a sustainable system, our input of both energy, time and resources (fertilizers, mulch etc) will gradually decrease overtime, leaving us with a natural eco-system that much like our wild forests need little help from us to thrive. The color photos, diagrams, and tables make understanding the principles and applications that much easier.
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Our Highlights

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Gaias Garden - Zones
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There were some points that stood out to Justin and I. Well, really the entire book! But here are the primary ideas we took away from the book:

  • Compost: Hemenway describes the biology of compost and the idea that the more it is turned, the less nitrogen is left. This really struck a cord with me after our sheet mulching/composting of the front yard left us baffled as we discovered so little nitrogen in our soil tests. We can now both see it was from our turning the matter in an effort to assist the breakdown. We’ve since stopped turning our compost pile as often and the breakdown has actually been more complete and gets much warmer.
  • Keyhole Gardens: The book describes keyhole gardens as a way to maximize growing space and offers several ideas for design. This really confirmed the design of our own raised beds and after discovering the difficulty of accessing some of our front garden areas, our idea is to implement the same technique in the front yard.
  • Perennial vs Annual: This is perhaps the biggest Ah-ha moment in the book for us. Hemenway describes the soil disruption caused by the removal of annual plants and the soil building properties of perennials. In our climate and soil conditions, I’m not sure that we could do away completely with raised beds but this has certainly changed our ideas of front yard usage. We now plan to redesign and replant the entire 645 sq ft area, based on the ideas in this book!
  • Tables: One of the biggest benefits of this book is the use of tables to list hundreds of nitrogen-building, nutrient-accumulating, multi-purpose plants. This has been a non-stop resource for us and one of the biggest benefits in the book.
  • Guilds: Many ideas and examples are given of ways to plant trees, shrubs and other plants together to assist the health and growth of each other. This is perhaps the most overwhelming part of the book for us, as we try to find our own climate-adapted plants with which to create guilds.
  • Zones, Home, Community and City Permaculture: Hemenway discusses the use of zones in and around the home and even out into the community; what to plant or place within each zone of the garden and how to apply this principle within city design. I found it to be incredibly interesting.

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There is so much more but these are the points that jumped out at us. I couldn’t begin to describe to you all the benefits and aspects covered in this book. I’m sure as time goes on, we’ll be referring back to Gaia’s Garden often and gaining even more insight in the months to come.
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Only One Complaint

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Gaias Garden - City Zone
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The only downside of Gaia’s Garden is the assumption of the reader’s climate. Most of his descriptions seemed to fit more temperate climates, nothing quite as cold as Michigan, nothing nearly as hot as our hometown. Although the book covered ideas of permaculture in the desert, the difference in climate and rainfall between New Mexico and Southern Nevada are vast. Many of the ideas he offered don’t apply to us (deer? what are those?) and the idea that the catchment of our four inches of annual rainfall in Las Vegas would suffice for much in temperatures above 110 F in the summer meant a bit of skimming the greywater chapter (we did however pull some inspiration for washer machine water). But then that’s a headache we Las Vegans have about any gardening books, isn’t it? ;)

Overall, this book is fantastic in laying out the principles behind permaculture and describing many effective and simple ways of implementation. We’re really looking forward to adapting the knowledge it gave us to our unique climate, as we learn more about the techniques and theories behind permaculture.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone interested in green living, gardening, sustainability, self-sufficiency, urban homesteading or even just landscaping! It has ideas to offer everyone and may even change your entire outlook, much like it for did us. (In fact if you see an increased discussion and focus on permaculture on this blog, you can credit this book!)

If you are considering purchasing this book, would you consider purchasing it from the link above or the Amazon widget on my sidebar? All the proceeds we earn are going into our Five Year Plan fund and I’d love to say this book contributed both to purchasing and designing our new home someday! :D

For more book recommendations, visit our Amazon aStore!