Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and so many of us are turning our hearts toward big, beautiful meals and the idea of gratitude.

Gratitude was my main guiding word this year. So naturally I have lots of thoughts during my very favorite holiday.

I’ve never loved Thanksgiving for the gratitude part. I loved it for the simplicity, for its ability to not add so many layers of complexity to what I am really wanting to experience: deep connection with those I love, deep enjoyment I find myself most capable of within a slower pace in life, and deep nourishment – physically and spiritually.

But something about the idea of gratitude tended to rub me the wrong way.

And I didn’t understand it until this year, as I dove into this word, allowing it to guide me, to show me, to open me to what I longed to understand.

And this is what I understand.

I resisted not the practice of gratitude, but this ever pervasive idea or sense of obligation, guilt and shame I felt around the word.

“I should be grateful.”

“You should be grateful.”

And my heart would hear those words and want to yell “No!”

And now I know why. Why I resisted what seems so true.

Because every time we feel as though we “should be” grateful, we negate the pain or hurt or struggle that we are experiencing in that moment, instead of gratitude.

We tell our tears to stop. We tell ourselves to suck it up. That others have it worse. And so who the hell are we to ache, to hurt, to need to cry, or to desire change when we have it so good.

“It could be worse, so we should be grateful.”

And in thinking that “it could be worse”, we ignore what is yearning for attention right now.

Because if someone else has it worse, we don’t deserve to have it better.

Oh, and there is a time for that!

A time to recognize our blessings, to give thanks.

And there is also a time to acknowledge our own pain, to heal our own wounds, to protect our own hearts and understand that under our ache, our pain, our frustration, our complaints…under the surface of what we’re experiencing is something within us that deserves love, that deserves attention, that deserves validation, that deserves to have its deepest needs met.

Not because we’re more deserving, not because anyone else is less.

But because we all deserve to have our needs met.

All of them.

Because that’s what that pain, that lack of gratitude is…it’s just a sign to meet a deeper, fundamental and universal need.

If there is one thing I’ve learned this year, it’s this:

I went into this year assuming that I would simply focus on the act of gratitude.

And I did. And it was good.

But it didn’t last.

Because those aches would resurface and ask with longing for the attention they needed.

And that’s when I understood that I cannot make gratitude.

I cannot make myself grateful.

Gratitude is already  - and always – there.

I simply choose to experience it by first addressing all the aches, the longings, the unmet needs, the pain I am holding within my heart and that is standing between me and the experience of gratitude.

But when I simply lean into those aches for a moment, giving them the attention they are screaming for, encircling them with compassion, examining what they are and why, and bring Light and Love to them, they ease and vanish.

And as they do I experienced the rush of gratitude. 

The gratitude that was always there.

Waiting for its turn.

But patiently, knowing that something else needed to come first.

And then gratitude had its turn.

And it enveloped me.

And I held it.

And it changed my experience of life.

And it only recedes when something bigger needs to be held for a moment.

Gratitude was - and is – the natural consequence of healing my spirit, of peeling back the layers of my painful beliefs and fears, of coming into awareness of Who I Am, and what I’m here to do.

Without those fears, there is nothing but gratitude left TO experience.

And when I experience that gratitude, it gives me the ability to not just “suck it up”, to not feel awash in my guilt or shame, but to come alive, to feel vibrant, and THEN and only then do I find myself capable of offering what I am experiencing within me to those who have the same or deeper needs.

There is no “should”…this just simply is.

When I validate and give love to my lack of gratitude, I experience gratitude naturally and then I can actually create the same in the lives of others.

And that is one equation I am so incredibly grateful for.

Lefse (and now gluten-free lefse) is all about tradition.

Justin’s family has been making lefse (pronounced leff-suh) since I’ve known them (and for a very long time before that). Every Thanksgiving they pick a home, tote over their Norwegian gear and paraphernalia and spend the evening grilling what is probably most easily described as a tortilla made from mashed potatoes.

I know, it doesn’t sound amazing. But it is. And Thanksgiving just wouldn’t be the same without it.

But alas, I’m gluten-free and lefse recipes call for flour and I was a little daunted by the idea of mixing my own gluten-free flour.

So I cheated a bit, bought a premixed gluten-free flour, made a few adjustments to our normal repertoire and am pretty happy with how they turned out.

The Gluten-Free Lefse Recipe

One important note about making lefse: It’s not an activity, it’s an event.

It takes several hours to make  and cool the mixture and several more to cook it all up. So if you’re going to attempt it, invite friends, plan to rotate shifts at the griddle and the rolling pin and provide a meal (you won’t want to be waiting around for the lefse to be finished all night).

Ideally, you’ll want a few specialty tools for this (we found ours here), but I’ll try to offer alternatives as well.

Specialty Tools:

• Potato ricer (alternatively you can try to mash them by hand if you’re very thorough in getting out the lumps, or you can check out these ideas)
• Pastry board covered in a pastry cloth (I’m still not convinced you couldn’t just use a hard, floured surface)
• Rolling pin with pastry sleeve (or floured rolling pin)
• Lefse turning stick (or for this recipes you could use a spatula or a few well-placed hands)
• Lefse griddle, large hot pan or stovetop griddle
• Two large towels or cozies for finished lefse
• A few awesome “It’s Lefse Time” t-shirts or “Lefse is Beautiful” aprons, if you’re a true die-hard

The Gluten-Free Lefse Version:

5 pounds of potatoes, peeled and diced
1/4 cup of butter (we used salted; I’m not sure it matters)
3 tablespoons of heavy cream
1 and 1/2 teaspoons of sea salt
1 and 1/2 teaspoons organic evaporated cane sugar
1 and 1/4 cup all-purpose gluten-free flour from Gluten-Free Pantry (if you’re not gluten-free, use regular all-purpose flour)
Several more cups of flour for dusting

1. Boil the diced potatoes until tender. While they are still hot, put them through a potato ricer to remove the lumps.
2. In a large bowl mix well the riced potatoes, butter, cream, salt and sugar. Let this mixture cool to room temp.
3. Once cooled, mix in the flour. Form a few lefse “logs” and stick these in the fridge for a few hours.
4. When you’re ready to cooking, tear off a tennis ball size chunk of dough. On your floured surface, roll the dough out as thin as possible into circles.
5. Cook on a hot, unoiled griddle (between 400-500 degrees) until each side browns, popping any bubbles as you go. Place the warm lefse between towels or a cozy to cool. You can store them in the fridge for a week.

Some Notes on Gluten-Free Lefse

With regular lefse, you can usually make fairly large pieces (larger than a dinner plate), but with gluten-free lefse we found it would tear if we rolled it out larger than 6-8 inches in diameter. Also, if we rolled the dough out too thin, it would get crispy on the griddle. Lefse crackers do not win points for creativity in this family.

The edges of the lefse turning stick didn’t agree with our gluten-free dough, so I found it easier to loosen the lefse from the pastry board with the stick but use my hands to carefully pick it up and transfer it to the griddle.

And we found the gluten-free lefse is best eaten warm to prevent tearing; the cold lefse tended to fall apart at the folds. (The photo above was from lefse that was folded when warm, then refrigerated, then warmed again; it just fell apart – still yummy though!)

Next year I may try some different things to see if we can improve upon the recipe at all. But for our first try, we were both happy with the way it turned out. It tasted just like traditional lefse!

Traditionally lefse is eaten with butter, sugar and cinnamon. But my favorite is slathered with butter and rolled up with leftover turkey inside. Yum!

If you try the recipe, let me know how it goes!

What Thanksgiving traditions did you share this year?

Friday night Justin took me out on a date. For the first time in a long time, we stayed out all night listening to some great local bands (linked below) and being ridiculously hysterical while we danced.

My husband has this amazing ability to make me forget about everyone else, forget about what others are thinking of our silliness and just let go. I can’t remember the last time we laughed so hard! Seeing Justin shake his booty for the crowd is a lasting memory for sure.

Saturday was lefse-making day with my in-laws and we successfully made gluten-free lefse! Yum! I’ll share our recipe and my favorite way to eat it this week.

And Sunday was amazing in its own way. First, we sold the old truck! We’re super excited to cross that off our list and with it gone, we can finally move forward to converting the new truck to run on waste veggie oil, as well.

(The RV is still for sale, BTW.)

Then Sunday evening we participated in my mom’s church event feeding the homeless again. Justin and I volunteered to watch the little ones this time (10 kids under 10 is SO much fun and a little tiring!) and Zeb was a food runner/server/cleaner-upper. It’s always amazing to feel a part of something like that.

This kind of weekend was so needed. Dancing, laughter, connection, food, giving…life is good.

Some linky love for you:

• This is the amazing band we went to see!
• And this band was so much fun too!
• Some unjobbing inspiration!
• A little instrumental piece of goodness.
• Just got my time capsule. Little disappointed by how little I wrote to myself!
• So I’m going to do it again.
• Intoxicating.
• Interesting thoughts.
• A quote to make you smile.
• Why, yes I am.
• Lovely.

What’s Been Inspiring You?

The world is full of crazy news and things that can bring us down. And it seems the craziness gets shared more than the good.

That’s why you’re invited to share some goodness with the world.

Write your own Inspiration Monday post to share in the form below. (Please don’t link any old post, or someone else’s post, or something that’s not about what’s been inspiring you.)

Or share a comment or a link you’ve found in the comments.

Life is good. Let’s spread the inspiration.

I had only had my camera a few months and had joined a photography group for fun. We were out shooting the full moon when he strode up to me, gently took my oh-so-precious brand new camera, cleaned my lens and then grabbed this weird round glass thingy from my bag. It had come with the camera but I had zero idea what it was for.

He told me it was called a lens filter and that it had one major benefit.

And that is this: when you bump your lens and this happens….

…you’ll be mighty happy it only happened to an inexpensive lens filter vs. your nice (expensive) lens.

He was so right. Two years later and in the energy of Thanksgiving, I’ve got to give a great big thanks to Dave.

What little thing are you feeling grateful for today?

:: Reality checks
:: Bloggers like Hillary and Stacy and Kelly Rae that continually inspire me, all in different ways
:: Thick, warm thigh-high socks
:: Feeling like I’m finding myself, regardless of the pain that comes with tearing away from the past
:: The sweet tone in my husband’s voice when he says “I can fix that for you”
:: Discovering a new creative spark
:: The challenge that is Love and partnership
:: The challenge that is Motherhood
:: Warranties. Thank Gd for warranties.
:: The chance to downsize
:: Knowing even the shitty days have a purpose if I remain open to them
:: Making Thanksgiving lefse with our family

:: A world of infinite possibilities
:: Oh, the possibilities!
:: Dreams of finding a new home and community
:: My hubby’s warm feet on my cold toes
:: All the beautiful friends who’ve sustained me in this city (even if most of them don’t have a blog to link)
:: Almost having Benny the Brave FINISHED
:: Authenticity and the art of Being ME
:: The lovely people I’ve met through this virtual world
:: And the hopes of meeting more
:: The amazing things my body handles
:: The incredible things my heart has endured
:: The wonderful things my mind creates
:: The beautiful person I feel I am becoming every day
:: That Divine Connection with The Source from which I too often mistakenly feel disconnected

One day I may be all “Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy” and the next I’m so miserable it’s all I can ever remember feeling, but I am still so in awe of this dazzling, beautiful, saddening, overwhelming, inspiring, painful, miraculous, unbelievable, horrendous Beauty and Truth and Illusion that is wrapped up in this tiny little life.

There is always a silver lining. Always a HIGH to balance out the lows. A tiny spot inside that calms me. And one of these days I may learn how to quiet it all long enough to catch another glimpse of The Divine. And all those crazy moments of insanity will seem perfect again.

He’s silly and handsome. He has the best smile in the world. And when I twist up my face while I trim his (massive) beard, he tells me how beautiful I am.

He’s playful and open-hearted and engages with Zeb on Zeb’s level. He makes us laugh until we roll off the bed. And he holds us if we have a scary dream.

He’s usually tired and left with little time or energy to follow his own passions.

But as his current job winds down, and his layoff becomes imminent, and the RV gets a step closer to complete, we’ve seen a fire in him. He’s overwhelmed with the infinite possibilities that lie ahead. He’s anxious to find what it is that is calling him. And every second is filled with one more plan, or idea, or dream.

He’s waking up. He’s consumed. He’s infectious.

And I’m thankful for every minute with this passionate man.

It was so inspiring to see Zeb work so diligently. He has volunteered for years with his Gramma A. for Ronald McDonald but never has the opportunity to see who he is helping. Tonight however, he really shined. He worked as a runner and we hardly saw him all night as he brought out more food, cleared away empty plates, refilled drinks and helped anyone or anywhere he could. Even after most people pooped out, or when the rest of the volunteers were eating, he was still working hard (he didn’t allow himself to eat until he was so hungry he was shaking).

I was so happy that the kids who volunteered were welcomed, trusted with real tasks and treated so normally. It was evident in all of their eyes how purposeful they felt. And really what better way to feel as though we have a purpose than to serve others in need; to extend ourselves beyond our comfort zones; to remember how blessed we are and share those blessings with others?

It’s makes me sad that we don’t do these things as often as we’d like. There is no good excuse, either. We just allow too much time to pass without making an effort to prioritize. But I’m so thankful for my mom’s church and my parents for giving us this opportunity tonight.

All-natural turkey, locally grown baked apples, homebrewed pumpkin ale, cloth napkins…just part of what we managed for a Sustainable Thanksgiving. Next year I hope to have homegrown potatoes for our traditional lefse along with homegrown beans and sweet potatoes and pumpkin and whatever else I can come up with! Perhaps next year I’ll have the bash at my house; not that the lighting is any better for photography over here.

“The girls” spent Wednesday cooking what we could in advance, chatting and joking and singing carols with the radio. The Big Day was spent at my mom’s, cooking, eating and playing games. Lots of games. Lots of hilarious, laugh-until-you-can’t-breath, “Just one more game” games. We nearly fell over Justin’s impersonation of “buck naked” and practically cried when my aunt’s exuberant portrayal of “hit the sack” almost cost someone a bloody nose. Good times. Times you just can’t forget. Times for which to be thankful.

There are two things that mark the day for me. The first is my grandma, known as GG. Hearing the words “I’m thankful for you” come from her lips, laying my head on her shoulder and listening to her voice, just like I did when I was Zeb’s age, her soft hand on my cheek. In her presence I could live content forever.

And second is my sweet hubby’s love. His using me as the example to define “angel” in the game. His arms enveloping me, protecting me against the chill from the rain. His understanding of my mixed emotions. The look of affection in his eyes, the small smile and strong hand reaching for mine across the table. It’s the look that says “I am so blessed”.

And so am I, baby. So am I.

I hope you all created beautiful memories and full bellies. I hope you counted your blessings and enjoyed your surroundings. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.