Ready for the bangs to go…
My dreads and I have been together for two years. 
Compared to the first year, it really doesn’t seem like much has changed.
I fluctuate between no ‘poo and shampoo and have been experimenting with liquid soap nuts. It would probably be good if I made up my mind, but I’m a creature of non-habit when it comes to this. I have noticed a change in the amount of dandruff since we’ve been on the road and I’m assuming it has to do with a combination of softer water and less drying climates.
It doesn’t feel as if they’ve done any growing but my bangs have and I’m ready to say goodbye to them.
Day One, Year One and Year Two
The meaning and lessons they teach me are the same and are still a near-daily occurrence. (Some people never learn. 
) I’m still understanding a lot about judgment, self-acceptance and vanity.
I’ve had a few times this past year where I was ready to pick up the scissors and say goodbye. One particular incident had me feeling so completely self-conscious I faced almost a month of doubt:
Two days before Christmas, Zeb and I ventured out to the stores. I really should have known better – crowds and craziness overwhelm me. I was doing good though, handling what was coming my way until we walked down one particular aisle in one particular store looking for one particular item.
A woman and her teen daughter were there and I watched them for a moment. They were gorgeous in a matching sort of way that made me smile for them. Their hair was curled the same, their clothes were trendy, their makeup perfect. They were talking animatedly and by their demeanor you could tell they were close and enjoying their shopping trip together.
But then the daughter took one looked at me – perhaps she saw my frizzy, unwrapped dreads, lack of makeup and casual clothes – and she leaned over and whispered to her mom who looked my way, rolled her eyes and made a loud comment to her daughter that simply crushed me.
I don’t even remember the exact words now (something about my childhood, I think), nor do they really matter. What hurt was in one glance she assumed she knew my life story. She made a snap judgment about me based on my outward appearance, disregarding anything else she could have taken in – the smile I had given them moments before, the connection I had with my son as we looked for his dad’s gift, the tired look in my eyes that said it had already been a long morning.
It wasn’t the only negative encounter I had that day; after all it was two days before Christmas and everyone was stressed. But it was the one that set my mood for the following week. And by the time I got home and was in tears from the affect of the stress, it was the only experience I was really crying over. (Thank goodness for loving husbands and their comforting embraces.)
For several weeks the judgment I felt lingered over me. I allowed their hurtful comments to make me feel ugly and doubt myself and all that I do.
But beneath my doubt and my hurt feelings the same words kept echoing:
I put the desire out there. I stated what I wanted to do. But I had no idea my resolve would be so quickly tested.
I remembered something I wrote almost four years ago about the impact one particular woman had on me.
So I was watching “So You Think You Can Dance”…I don’t know why but I always get sucked into the auditions and lose interest in the actual competition.
Anyway, there was a girl on there that was, well….unique. She had this red/orange/bleachy looking hair and a very eccentric attitude. Instantly I loved her. You could tell dance was her self-expression. And through the choreography, you could see her start to break down. She just couldn’t do it. They put her up on the chopping block because of it and asked her to redeem herself by dancing in her own style to prove she could dance. And well, she went nutsy. Flailing, running, really indistinguishable.
But here’s what resonated with me: They called her crazy and she was deeply thankful for that. She said she felt like she was losing herself in the choreography and admitted her craziness and even looked relieved when they cut her. (I was PMSing so I cried with her. It was great.)
And then I started thinking. Do I love me enough to lose a huge opportunity because it might make me a little more like the rest of the world?
Or maybe I should’ve ask Do I love me enough to risk my feelings being hurt by someone who doesn’t know me well enough to judge?
How I Tend To Wear Them These Days
Well, I didn’t shave my head, nor do I still want to. So I guess I can answer that question with a resounding Yes! I realize now that authenticity – or whatever this is driving me to the brink of insanity – isn’t always easy or accepted or appreciated.
But authentic is the only thing I can be.
P.S. I have a super cool dready giveaway from Sand and Sky Creations coming up soon! Stay tuned!
I'm Tara Wagner, life coach and creator of the Digging Deep process, where I coach women out of survival mode to recreate their lives and families.
Wow, your dreads are adorable. I’m so glad to see you having so much fun on the road
I have always been somewhat jealous of your beautiful hair so I supposed I prefer the “old Hair.” However, in same length of time/hair, I came to know an extremely intelligent, beautiful person, and someone who I have much in common. I love THAT person and not just the hair. I don’t care if you have badly mangled blue hair or funny clothes. It is you that I love and not the trappings. BE happy with yourself. Just know that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone or even yourself. Whatever you choose will be the correct choice and we/I won’t love you any less.
When people make nagative snap judgements it usually has more to do with them. I don’t want to get into any guesses why this (perfect) woman and her twin daughter where so quick to judge you and to be honest I shudder at her comment of childhood. Now I know yor past it now but let me say this to help cheer you up. First of all I don’t mean this to be creepy or intimidating in any way but when I first came across you blog I thought you were hot. First reaction. Now I know your hot and now that I know about you and have chatted with you a bit I now know that not only are you hot but you are a beautiful person inside as well. Your husband is a lucky man.
Be strong and confident
What a wonderful post! I love your dreads and have been longing to “go for it” for 10 years now. I think it takes courage to be different or authentic and I think you are amazing!!
Suzy
I loved this post. I’m so glad you kept your dreads. You’re beautiful and don’t ever let anyone make you think different! I have always admired people who walk their own path and don’t conform.
loved reading about your two years of dreads. i just posted my six-month dreadiversary a couple days ago http://www.debsphotographs.com/photoblog/?p=1001
and i can’t wait to get to two years (as i’m longing for growth right now).
thanks for sharing. you are fabulously beautiful.
hugs,
deb
Some might not understand, but others feel a kinship with you and would hate to feel that the callous words of others would inhibit what makes you, YOU! You are not someone to be looked down on because you are different, you are to be esteemed for being willing to be different. How sad that people give up a creative self to follow trends. I’m so glad you don’t do that. You also give me hope that my dreads will start growing one of these years!
Funny how we let people judge us and take it personally when their judgment comes from not having any personal relationship with us. Says a lot about we humans, doesn’t it? I love your dreads. I would love to have them… only I think they might cause me a divorce… lol So my short hair and nose ring will have to bring me judgment. lol
Role play: I’m a mom with her daughter. You look at us and smile, we look at you and shyly tell you “we love your dreads. How did you get them to be so beautiful?” This is totally something I would say to you if I saw you in a shop. I love dreads on a woman and have often thought of doing it myself. But as a health care professional I was never sure I could pull it off. Either that or I didn’t want to suffer the wrath of glares and eye rolls. But I do have a new friend who is a nutritionist in the local hospital who is 40 and has pink hair. She’s the coolest and I think she must bring so much light and fun to her patients. I’m sure you radiate it too. It’s just that most of the people who see you don’t tell you so.
Peace HUN,
So I was loc’d for 13 yr b4 I cut them off in Nov 24,2008. I made all my hair care and can not stress the importance of individual or custumized treatment for locs. EVERYONES HAIR is different. I say all that to say stay away from commerical shampoos and co/no pooing. Liquids coconut and nut soaps as bases work best, add herbs per your needs work even better!
UMMMM Gurl your hair has GROWN!!
Congrats on finding your innerself and celebrating her FULLY!
Love is….TL
Wrote from my heart and spellcheck is not her friend!
Yay! Can’t believe it’s been two years. Time flies. I still remember reading your one year ani post. Congrats, and your dreads are gorgeous.
There will always be someone there to judge us. Whether it’s our hair, clothes, job, lifestyle, there is always someone there to make us feel “less than” or that we made the wrong decision.
The beautiful journey of it all is when we become secure in the knowledge that their judgment doesn’t matter. And that our choices are our own and are right for US.
I’m glad you kept your dreads, they suit you
I think your dreads are gorgeous! I can’t wait until I can tie mine up. I can really relate to the feelings people can give you when they say things like that. Here I mostly just get called “rasta sistah”, and don’t even try to explain.
They are awesome and I keep waiting for the day I can just forget they are even there, does that ever happen?
beautiful post. beautiful dreads. beautiful you.
Ah. Thanks for sharing that. My dreads are only a couple months old and I keep waiting for something like this to strike me. I hope I can handle it as well as you.
I can’t believe it’s been two years.
They look great and I hear you. I feel like if it wasn’t your dreads it would be something else. We can to this town from a big city and we felt so judged by the hippies/farmers/activists (for lack of ways to describe people). They didn’t know we’ve apprenticed on farms, studied permaculture, lived off the grid etc.–all they saw was a big city, yuppy look.
I sometimes felt like I wanted to dress differently to show that we weren’t x, but to tell you the truth I feel like it’s there loss and boy do I absolutely love making someone’s jaw drop when they actually do learn about who we are and our ethics and ideals. We all come in different packages.
(Ironically, back in the Boston area all our friends think we are the biggest crunchiest hippes. It cracks us up.)
This morning I was at a parenting group I’ve been going to since Michael was seven weeks old. The group leader is a postpartum doula, and very nice, but I guess not quite as crunchy as I am (am I’m not even that crunchy). Anyway, were taking about natural baby products, like baby wash and lotion, etc, and I said I used nothing on Michael. She seemed a little surprised! She said she always wanted her boys very fresh smelling so she got them minty shampoo and made them shower every day…so they would be accepted by our culture.
I had to think about that. First of all, my little boy smells wonderful with nothing on him, and I don’t think showering every day is necessary unless you do get smelly enough to offend someone. But it made me wonder about our appearance versus what’s culturally embraced. I keep moving closer and closer to what you are talking about here: Authenticity. But, sometimes, I wonder if people will take me seriously if they don’t like the way I look or think I’m too “out there”…but does that matter? I want to be honest, authentic. I think that no matter what you do or how you think or what you look like, you will only be truly comfortable anywhere, in any company, if you are true to yourself.
beautiful beautiful… inside and out. If only our culture could see real beauty. Hopefully we’re raising a generation that will be more authentic than ours.
britt
Beautiful post and beautiful dreads. I agree with a previous commenter in that when people make judgments like the one that mother and daughter made about you, it’s more about them than you. Good on you for keeping your dreads and for loving yourself.
PS Is that a seed beaded wrap around one of your dreads? It’s gorgeous!
Your hair is beautiful! My dreads are about 15 months and I can’t WAIT for them to look as lovely as yours!! This post came at a great time because I was feeling a bit discouraged and thinking about lopping them off but I’m going to hang in there. I’ve gotten a lot of negative comments about my hair and it seems that what started out as just a decision to have dreads because I love the way they look has become a HUGE learning experience. I didn’t mean to start them as a spiritual thing but apparently the Universe had other plans!!
Hi, I dont know you and have only just started getting your blog updates, but I LOVE them! I love dreads (have had mine for about 18 months) and I love that I am me. I love that my 5yo wants dreads too and I love that because of my dreads she is learning that not everyone likes the same things and that it doesnt matter what others think, what matters is what makes your heart smile
I am sorry those barbie fans made you feel sad, but I am thrilled you arent getting rid of the dreads based on someone elses opinion.
FWIW, I think you look gorgeous, earthy, natural, happy, peaceful and Id deduce that your childhood taught you the value of doing what makes you happy.
Loads of dreadlove coming your way ~~~~~~~~
Oh how I needed to read this today. I have struggles with other peoples opinions for so long, and it is so hard not to let it get to you. Just today, I had a “friend” decide she didnt want to be my friend anymore, because she though I talked about too much negative stuff all the time on Facebook, and she felt it affected her too much. I was just astounded that someone could be so self-centered. I know I talk about some of the bad thing going just like everyone else, but I talk about a lot of good things too…for some reason she just singled me out. Well I dont need that type of person in my life.
I am glad you are feeling back to your authentic self. I think you are an amazing and beautiful women, and you have some really wicked dreads! Dont ever let anyone make you feel less that what you are, because they dont know you!
It just saddens me that so many people place such an emphasis on how we look as opposed to who we are inside, I dont think society will ever learn.
“Do I love me enough to lose a huge opportunity because it might make me a little more like the rest of the world?”
Reading that over and over. Great food for thought, here. Thanks for sharing!
If your RV ever learns to swim and you end up in the south west coast of Western Australia, your dreads will have many friends here! Dreads are actually pretty common here .. xx
You’re beautiful…and you inspire other people. I know you’ve inspired me:) Peace to you…and yes, aren’t loving husbands the best!?
You are so beautiful, I love reading your blog. Having other dread stories to read is a lift for days when I’m feeling self-conscious of my own dreads. Usually when I have days that I don’t like my dreads, I love them even more the next day
Am so glad you were able to overcome this and come out the other side stronger and more postive. How sad that people do feel the need to be so judgemental, and although I think it says more about them, that they felt the need to do so (why ? perhaps seeing someone so content and at peace, so authentic and self accepting, made them uncomfortable, even on a sub-conscious level, because all that grooming and mom/daughter matchy matchy stuff doesn’t say self acceptance or authenticity to me) is just soYou are sad.
It doesn’t stop that kind of thing hurting, but I’m willing to bet just about everything I have that that pair are not authentic, not living fully and not as happy as they might like to pretend they are – perfect on the outside, but rotten in the core, it seems to me.
You are so beautiful, physically and spiritually and i love how you embrace who you truly are, which is such an inspiration to the rest of us.
I found your blog 6 months ago & have been following it ever since. I love your writing & photos!
I felt a need to reply to this post, since I can relate to it quite well after having dreads for 12 years. (I cut them off last year).
Living in small southern county, I experienced those nasty remarks quite often in the beginning. After awhile, everyone just knew me as that “crazy haired girl”.
When I did venture out of our county, those same cruel remarks & looks came back out. And you know, I started responding to them with a smile, a wave, or even a question… “would you like to ask me something”?
And I have to honestly say, they couldn’t hurt me anymore. I know the person I am & I felt proud. It made me love my dreads even more, bonding us even further.
Stay strong, sister! You are truly beautiful.
Love & light
Oh, Tara. This post just made me smile. Not only am I thrilled to see you celebrate the two year mark, but also because I am thrilled to see you handle the situation in the manner that you did. I can so relate. I’ve had several encounters throughout my own three year journey that could mimic this one exactly. And I’ve often considered the scissors. But it always comes back to deciding who I want to be: an individual me or one of them.
I’m glad that we both keep choosing ourselves.
Stay strong, my sister in dreads.
Well it certainly doesn’t matter what anyone (let alone a stranger) thinks – but add me to the list of “You’re beautiful and I love your dreads!”. You’re a brave, beautiful woman who has the strength to be who you are – which is more than I can say for most of us.
You, my dear, ARE beautiful! It really saddens me to know that people raise their children to not accept people because they are different. My sister-in-law had to set my little niece straight a few months ago. Her step mother is kind of like the lady you described from the store- hair, make-up, clothes always perfect, comes from a well-ta-do family in a well-ta-do neighborhood. Cass came home from school one day talking about a little girl she didn’t like in her kindergarten class. She didn’t even want to talk to her because of her “wearing boy shoes and boy pants… why in the world would she dress like that…. I don’t like her…” All of that good crap. Her mom promptly set her straight (also had a little conversation with the stepmom!!) and made her talk to the girl the very next day. They’re best of friends now!
Universal acceptance. That’s all I’m asking for.
Congrats on the hair anniversary, too! One day for me…. one day!
I’ve only been on my dread journey for 3 weeks now so I haven’t had a lot of second thoughts. But, I was worried about what some of my family would think of me or be embarrassed of what I looked like. Now that I have baby dreads, I love them. I want to break down barriers and stereotypes. I want ppl to know that my hair is only a portion of the uniqueness that lives in me.
When I found your blog through Sara’s, I fell in love with you – not in a creepy stalker way. I was inspired by your hair, your lifestyle, just you in general. I still am inspired. Truth be known, I had a small panic rush over me thinking the next picture would be a bald Organic Sister! I kept thinking, oh Lord please don’t let her cut them off!
Whew, glad you didn’t. YOu are amazing and gorgeous in every way. Thank you for being you and thank you for putting you out there for all of us!
I love your dreads!
I know what you mean…that is one reason why my largest tattoo is down a large part of my leg, so I could not ever grow to be the kind of person who would ‘hide’ it to fit in. It is me. When I lived in Chicago, New Mexico, Florida, So. Cal, I always had warm wonderful comments, amazing conversations from all kinds of people about it, never anything negative.
Since living in Wisconsin, I get avoidance or looks, or not so nice responses. If people think I am ‘normal’ they tend to pretend it isn’t there. I always laugh at the elephant in the room. But it is me, it still fits me, and I think it is a good thing in a way in that it strains and filters, and gives me great hope and love for people when they are nice. The other day in a garden center a 60-something year old woman came up and kneeled on the ground, and had a long conversation with me about the tattoo, what it is from, what it means…she smiled, was warm. It made my day.
I know many people with facial tats, dreads, facial and body piercings, and while some may think that it is a barbed wire fence to keep people away, I think it is a way to celebrate the beauty that connects people, and strips us all of our ideas and costumes and masks and exposes who and what we really are in that moment when we see and respond. All good.
Happy dreadiversary!
I love eccentricity. I love your dreads.
In my lit class this past year the questions were raised:
- Do we define ourselves by our style?
- Or do we allow our style define us?
I think we let our style define us to others when we are in the process of getting to know someone, and then the style is not what someone sees anymore when they’ve taken the time to know you, all they can see is you.
Because of the “strange” friends I’ve always flocked to in the past and the eclectic style I seem to have on occasion, I have not been one to judge… To me, the dreads would only add to a disgraceful look if it were clear the person had a messed up life: tracks up their arms, greasy hair, sunken skin… But even then, I wouldn’t be loud and say anything about it. There’s nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself.
Some people just never grow up and learn that.
I think the people that have the strange style and the different outlook on life are the ones that grow stronger and have more to teach others.
But that’s just one person’s opinion.
I loved reading thing. One thing that I love about having dreads is that they are an outward sign of a likeminded person. Not that everyone who chooses this hairstyle will be exactly like me… but more often than not I find people with dreads relatable in many ways.
Sometimes I wonder why I have them. Sometimes I wonder if I should brush them out or cut them off. I don’t take as much from the journey as I wish I did… or as I set out to do.
Reading posts like this helps me understand that people struggle with their choice to have dreads and that this is part of the journey. It makes me feel united in something of a dreadlock community… and that makes me feel warm!!!!
Thank you for sharing this!
i read about you in Geez, and discovered you now, here… and i will be back… i too have dreads, as well as stretched ears, a facial piercing and a tattoo… and i normally forget i have these things, until i’m faced by others stares and turn-aways… like the other day, at a bible study… and it makes me sad, but then emboldens me, as if it frees me up for Christ alone… by doing this, by doing these things, i’m declaring spirituality more important than the material… and i’m proud to stand separate. despite it being lonely. i resonate with you, sister, and stand with you. two mothers with dreads. i wish you lived closer
perhaps one day you’ll venture close … until then, stand strong. e.
Your photos show your outer beauty, this post reveals your inner beauty. I like you and your attitude. {{hugs}}
I love that there is so much depth and thought behind all that you do. Even your dreads. I feel so often I care more about what people thinks than what God thinks of me. Then I have days where I melt down because of the stress of caring about people’s opinions. I instead need to remember to remain authentic. That not only does my family love me, but my God… and that love is unconditional.
Thanks for sharing.
mmmm….Isn’t it amazing that we can still allow ourselves to be so vulnerable? I have had a few moments like that in my adult life, too. What’s most upsetting is how…bothered I get by the judgements. I don’;t know exactly how to move beyond those kind of situations, but I suppose practice makes perfect
ok i am going to try this one more time. i have started this reply 2 times before and got emotional.
that post was brave and true…raw. i identified with it. for years i have lived with thoughts of what would others think of hair, clothes, life choices. it is a prison. mostly it is ridiculous. i have worked quite hard this passed 12 months to be comfortable in my own skin. to like me and know that either you like me or you don’t. to have peace. finally i am emerging and finding that i like myself quite a lot.
thank you for sharing. it was moving.
stephanie
Tara,
What beautiful dreds you have! This past weekend, my brother, now eighteen, told my mom that he wished I’d shave my underarms! I know that people also judge me because I don’t shave my legs, I’ve let my hair go kind of crazy, nose piercing, and so on. But, I feel good about these things, so I fight through the moments of self-doubt. We get similar reactions about our new life choices regarding yurt-living, our support of organic and local foods, work choices, and our rather socialist politics. Ah, well, when you live in America, I guess you just have to anticipate this sort of reaction from some folks. They really don’t understand how to see outside of themselves, and this makes me sad (and mad sometimes!).
It feels good to read that I’m not the only one, though, with moments of self-doubt. As I’ve been stepping further and further away from socially constructed ideals regarding femininity, I feel as though I’m getting closer and closer to the “real” me. So, thanks for writing about this and encouraging us to think about it. It’s wonderfully real of you.
I simply love this post. Thank you so much for sharing. It reminded me of these moments in my past (and present).
awesome post. I loved reading it and the comments. 5 month old dreads here, I forget I have them until I’m at the grocery store and notice people taking a second look…staring.
I’ve heard it said, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then say something nice.” Too bad those ladies couldn’t think of something nice to say. Thank you so much for sharing.
Proverbs 12:25 An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.
Just found your blog again.
So glad I did.
I used to have a pink mohawk (about 12 vyears ago) the difference in the way people treated me then and how they did when I grew it out.
Still even now people tend to treat me differently if I’m dressed up and made up, or make up free and casual. I have been through a period of headcovering too in the past too. My soul really needed to experience these things and become braver and more authentic.
Oh and by the way, I think your dreads are absolutly beautiful!
I live in the Pacific Northwest (Alaska and Oregon) and I just can’t help be surprised by the reactions you get from your dreads. It is not an unusual style here and it seems as normal as curly or straight, long or short. But I understand what you are saying. For 15 years I wanted to shave my head. I thought Sinead O’Conner was beautiful – you could see her face! There was no hair in the way. Then Demi Moore did it for a roll and later Natalie Portman – and they were all beautiful!. I had blond hair that fell nearly to my elbows. I went in one day and had it shaved (pre-Britney Spears fiasco). My stylist was reluctant, but did it and was happy with the results. And I felt beautiful. I did get the odd looks, many assuming I was a lesbian, I felt. But I’ve never been happier with a hair style. And more people noticed me, approached me. I think because they could see me, not my hair – me!
“But authentic is the only thing I can be.”
LOVE this!!!
xo
~erin
Who cares what others think? People who make snap judgments about other people stink. I get whispers, looked at, and judged pretty much every time I venture into the public eye because of the way I look – my choice of dress is very conservative. It does make me angry, but I could care less about what others think of me. I know who I am, I know why I dress the way I do, and those who don’t like it can take a hike. You go girl, and keep being true to yourself. Peace.
Tara, I just thought you might like to know that you inspired me to dread my hair. My very kind hubby helped over the weekend and I’m in love (with him and the dreads!) Thanks for the inspiration!
We live in a small town in the south and my 8yo dd has dreds that we’ve braided ribbons into. Lots of people give her (and me) dirty looks, but since we’ve added the ribbons she’s gotten compliments, too. Its sad that she didn’t get them before but I don’t think most people see young girls as having much power to choose a hairstyle, here, so they just saw it as neglect. With the ribbons its obviously some kind of decision. Anyway, your dreds are lovely, and the beaded wrap, too. Thanks!
How beautiful your writing and honorable your journey to live the authentic life . . . your writing here is a good reminder of how hurtful and dangerous assumptions are. We live together as people in the constant opportunity to connect meaninfully in our shared co-creative space. Your ability to be present in the moment in this encounter was a beautiful invitation. I have appreciated the life with which you have gifted your reader in these writings and look forward to reading subsequent posts (provided I can find your site, as I am a novice at all things computer). I wish you the best on your sojourn.
A fellow homeschooler.