Uncomfortable Limbo

I’m in this place. A place beyond description, although I still try. It’s a feeling of being unsettled, unsure, dissatisfied and frustrated. It’s a low mood and a spiteful tone and a cranky outlook. I’m not sure where it originates, nor why. I feel a slight inclination toward believing it has something to do with a state of Not Knowing, a place of Wanting and Waiting and Impatience.

I’m ready for More. Either more right where I am or more somewhere else. But I don’t know how long I’ll be where I am or when we might be somewhere else. And the anticipation feels like  a bear wrestling within my bones, ready to bust out and tear me to shreds in the process. I want to do so much to this home and this garden, but it doesn’t feel right. I feel my intuition telling me to save my pennies for a sunnier day. And yet, waiting, hoping, wishing I knew what that day was, when it will arrive. I want to explode from all this conflict within me.

I want a plan; to know what to expect; to work toward something. But instead I feel stuck. Stagnant. Purposeless. For what is the purpose of sinking more money or energy into a house we could be out of in as little as six months. But what is the purpose of living here, uninspired and unhappy and not work toward making our arrangements as ideal as possible.

I flux between loving and hating this house.

There are days where it is my home and my heart breaks at the mere possibility of an unstable economy pushing us out. I hunker down and revel in its comfort. I enjoy it and I want to remain in it. I can’t imagine leaving the community we’ve built, the family we love, the friends we cherish.

Then there are days like today. Days when it feels like a trap. An unrelenting burden keeping us pinned down; like a beast sitting on my chest as I fight, powerlessly to get up. To breathe, even. It’s one thing to peacefully sit down. Quite another to be pushed to your knees. And as anyone forced to comply, I’m left in a fighting mood.

And here I’ve swung for several weeks, back and forth between determination to make this happen, making the best of it, growing where I’m currently planted; and feeling unsettled, out of control, anxious, uncertain and even depressed.

Justin said it best. “I’m ready to move.”

And yet, here I still sit, holding back emotion. Acquiescing to my circumstances. Trying to remain focused on what I can do, what brings me joy, what lifts this mood. Succeeding for a day or two. Failing for another. Back and forth between two places I don’t want to be.

This is harder than I imagined.

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17 Comments. Leave new

I hear ya! I was there, right there, for the last two years before I bought this house and moved us here. Now my challenge is only which project to tackle today, not whether it is even worth it to tackle. My only advice would be to follow your heart. And to say that moving to a place with friends already built in would help! ;-)

Really, you tell me to shut up anytime…

I’m in limbo personally, having recently learned I will be losing my job. I think I’m in a similar place to you. I don’t know what to do, what I can do, where I will be going. I’m telling myself that this will be a good thing in the long run. That it will spur me on to better things.

But right now I feel paralyzed and uncertain. I hope that it resolves soon for both of us.

rachel whetzel
May 26, 2009 11:28 pm

I am so very much in the place you are in… Hugs.

Wow, I feel for you. I am in a constant swing of almost the same things. I offer no advice, no reassurance and no promise that things will be better soon. I only hope you can find some comfort in know others are there with you, and that people are thinking of you hoping for an outcome you can be happy with.

Heck yeah, not knowing has to be one of the more difficult ‘states’ for certain types. We prefer to focus our energies, not leave them scattered and unattended to. It seems a waste. And so that is what I tackle. The belief that it is wasting time, that focus has to be big. Some days I succeed.

Woo boy, do I hear ya! We are in a similar situation here. We plant our garden not knowing if we will be here to harvest it. So, I just get lost in the process. I enjoy the sun because it will be the same sun that shines in a new place. I find the things that remain constant even though life is influx.

But boy it is an uncomfortable place to be.

The waiting times are always the hardest. But we always come through, and you will. Good luck in this time.

Hey sister,

I’ve been “living on the land” for the past 4 years now. We have done almost everything ourselves (which has been challenging, amazing, and absolutely draining as well), we’re completely off the grid, and not a cent in debt. I want your family to escalate to a similar lifestyle, cause damn you deserve it. Don’t we all?
After I read this post, I began a small hunt. I really do think this could be right up you lane! Check your yahoo e mail, and let me know what you think.

I’ve been where you are and don’t doubt that I’ll be there again some day (though I hope not). It’s so hard and I have no real words of wisdom except to “Be Here Now” and let it come as it may. I know those words are easier said than done some days. It’s easier to do what you want there (frugally) in case you don’t move. I remember planting a ton of stuff at our last place only to move and leave it all behind – because it was easier to do what I love than not and be miserable and make everyone else miserable too while I wished for something different. Anyway, I’ll be sending lots of loving vibes your way.

Ugh, I so know that feeling. That’s how we were for the 3 years before we bought this house. It was limbo torture.

It was a time of dreaming and soul searching and trying different hats on which is all good, but I remember once we made “the plan” and actually executed it I felt so grounded and deeply satisfied.

You will too!

Now we have new dreams and next phases…there is always more.

Kung Pow HausFrau
May 27, 2009 10:19 pm

I can empathize! While our circumstances are (were) really different, I had similar feelings living in the condo that we just moved out of.

The only advice I have is to live in the moment. Dreaming is great, but the present is what really matters. Sometimes we all forget this. One day, one hour at a time.

I hope your feelings and your situation work themselves out in short order.

Your words really resonate with me. You succinctly said everything that I have been feeling over these last few months. my circumstances are perhaps a little different, but man…I totally feel ya.

I SO understand!!! I was that way until my hubby lost his job (May 1st). Now we’re moving out of our house (we rent) and into a tent. The job loss was SO hard, but now I realize that it was the push we needed to get us moving in the direction we have always wanted to go! Things are going to be great and we’re moving towards the best life ever! (((hugs)))

Just catching up on all your latest posts. I’m sorry you’re feeling so uncomfortable with your situation at the mo. I’ve been there and it can be darn hard just to be and accept what is in this moment. I hope you find your answers soon.

I’ve been there too, since the beginning of May. It’s worse because prior to that I was feeling so much more optimistic and hopeful than ever before, so to come crashing down was hard. I’m not sure what to do. I keep thinking it will pass.

Oh, I just love your writing. Thank you also for your faithful, friendly visits to my place lately. What resonates with me when reading this post is…. Trust.
I am here in this place you describe during many moments of most days now, and I know I just really need to trust more than I do…
Trust myself, trust the universe, trust life, give my trust to others, just breathe and trust! Do you know what I mean?

I am in this place now. You put everything I am feeling into words. I hope to find wisdom and strength from your journey.

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