I’m feeling like the rubber ball attached to a paddle, one second flying high with wild excitement, the next being bashed against a wall. Success, failure, inspiration, frustration, pieces clicking into place, only to crumble apart again. A person can only ride a rollercoaster for so long before they need to vomit. Consider this my vomit.
Yesterday we were dealt a nasty blow to our dreams. The possibility of leaving Las Vegas by January has ended. The idea of two or three extra months here shouldn’t leave me in tears on the floor, but it did.
I don’t want to be here. I resist it with every fiber of my being. I make it clear to everyone I speak with that I’m only visiting. That this is not my home. I don’t feel good here, I don’t feel whole or fed or at peace here. I feel needy and desperate and lonely and empty. It took me 28 years to escape this the first time and seven months later I’m here again.
I don’t want to hear that there is a reason, that there is a message or a lesson in all this. I don’t want to hear that I need to let go, that I need to trust. I know it, but I resist it anyway.
Why? Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of feeling trapped. I’m afraid of some giant cosmic hand telling me I’m “supposed to” be somewhere that makes me unhappy. I’m afraid of losing what I’ve found or finding that I didn’t deserve it in the first place.
In this past year I’ve wholeheartedly embraced a fear that has had me paralyzed for decades. I’ve lived in fear of Too Good Too Last, and I carefully kept my life and my joy at bay. I kept myself from loving or living unconditionally to protect myself from the pain that follows loss. Does that even make sense? I’ve felt that anything good will be taken from me, so I keep things two degrees off Good just to play it safe.
I thought through this amazing journey that I had conquered all of that. But as soon as Justin broke the news yesterday I felt that crushing fear, that desperate grasp for safety, those fortress walls springing back around me, my chest tightening and my joy slipping through my fingers. I heard that old familiar voice, “See? I told you it couldn’t last. Something was bound to come along and tear our dreams apart. This is it. It’s going to fall apart and you’re going to be trapped. You don’t deserve anything more.”
Ouch. I know it doesn’t even sound rational. It doesn’t feel rational either. It hurts. And it’s scary. It’s rubbing up against beliefs and thoughts I’m not ready to examine and it’s not accepting my attempt to put it off. It’s challenging me and it’s forcing me to stretch and grow. And all of that is good. I know it’s good. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
I want to face this. I want to push through it. I want to be handed a challenge and fly over it. I want to feel energized and more determined by it. I want to keep smiling, keep holding onto my joy. I want to embrace my fear with compassion.
I want to say I’m not in tears, hiding my face in my pillow and guarding myself against anything that feels good. I want to say I’m not pushing away the love I’m handed, letting go of the dreams I have for fear of more pain. I want to say I’m not questioning my spirituality, questioning whether Gd really is the bully with the magnifying glass burning holes in my heart.
But I can’t say any of that right now. It wouldn’t be real, authentic.
In this moment, right now, I hurt. In this moment, I feel a suffocating fear. This moment is messy and ugly and demanding tears. This moment is not allowing me to move.
So I’m doing the only thing this moment is asking me to do: I’m sitting in it. I’m allowing myself to cry or feel afraid or guarded. I’m allowing myself to resist. I’m embracing the messy and the vulnerable and the whiney. I’m playing the victim, and the Blame Game, and the big baby. I’m wallowing and hurting and questioning. I’m distracting myself. I’m wavering between sobs and angry outbursts.
No, it doesn’t really make sense. No, the details aren’t really that big of a deal. But this is what Life has handed my heart: not another three months, but a giant serving of Here’s Your Opportunity with a side of It’s Time To Face This Already.
It’s never about the details. It’s never about what happened or what’s going to happen. It’s about the messages we have hidden in our hearts, the stories we listen to, how they affect us, what we feel and what’s happening inside of us. It’s the bigger picture, when we can see it…and when we can’t.
I can’t see it. I can say it, but I’m too deep in it to really know it to be true. I can look at the words and reread them and still I hear that cynical, biting voice in my mind. So I’m holding onto the only two things I really do know to be true: I can be nothing but authentic. And life will ebb and flow, all things will pass.
This is me, authentic. Waiting for the fear to pass, for my ability to let it go.
I'm Tara Wagner, life coach and creator of the Digging Deep process, where I coach women out of survival mode to recreate their lives and families.
{{{{hugs}}}}
love you…
Sending you so much love, Tara, xoxo.
I really understand this, because one of my major life fears is being trapped in something I hate. I know that fear that clenches around your heart and stomach when you feel trapped.
Also, I know how when you expect things to be bad, you latch onto any “proof” that “see, this isn’t going to work out and all your fears will come true.”
Sitting with it is HARD. I think it can be very useful, but it’s hard.
Thanks for being honest here. I hope something really good comes your way soon.
thank you so much for posting your truth. being honest is so rare nowadays. i totally identify with your feeling about keeping yourself away from things being totally GOOD. i’ve done that for a long time and i’m still fighting with it. one day i will conquer it, i believe!
i wish you peace and contentment in this struggle. <3 many hugs!
I won’t tell you any of the things you don’t want to hear, LOL, but I will say this: I SO get what you are talking about. I have struggled with the same fear my entire life. Reading this made my jaw drop open. I’m kinda struggling with the fear right now, in fact – wondering if the universe is going to force me back into the suffocating life I just left.
Thanks for sharing, and I’ll send you good mojo!
I feel this ebb and flow everyday. Sinking and flying.
My husband and I want to move forward with our full-timing plan, but it seems a struggle to figure out how to logistically do it. Sometimes we think it won’t ever happen and we’re stuck in WI, the place we’ve always known and have grown to disdain. We know we’ll fulfill our dreams and we have to be constant cheerleaders for each other; however it sucks when we’re both feeling the same negative feelings at the same time. Eeek.
I hope that whatever you are going thru, you will pull thru and be on your merry way again. And even if you stay put, there’s still many adventures to be had.
I’m sending some extra love to where you’re sitting.
(((hugs))) hunny…. I can imagine how hard it is for you to sit with this and ride out this moment.
But it will pass… and something good WILL come your way soon.
Remember when that cynical voice comes in your head again, YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS
xoxox
I know this feeling. I am sorry it will take longer. Hugs to you. I like the tag “this too shall pass.” My gramma passed this year and used to always say that to me and I hated hearing it. It really is a good one though, isn’t it?
I’m still in my “bad mood.” I know it will pass too, but it really is hard to accept that in the moment.
Thank you for what you do.
Fig, fat, sloppy hugs to you!! As I was reading this I looked over on the side bar to the button that says “I dare to live with a courageos heart.” That you do!
That is frustrating, but it will pass. Hey – at least you’re not at loggerheads with the peeps you’re living with!
*hugs hugs hugs mama*
…and now I will tell you all those things that you don’t want to hear. Don’t get mad.
You CAN be content and *gasp* JOYFUL in a place where you don’t think you want to be. Every day we have a choice. The more you use audible words to tell yourself and others that you don’t like it there, that it’s only temporary…the more you will hate it.
My suggestion? Embrace it. Do all of your favorite things there. Seek them out. Saturate your mind with grateful thoughts…contented thoughts. Speak words out loud of all the things you are SO THANKFUL for. Little things…like shelter. Food. Family. Sunshine.
This has been in my thought process as well lately…how can I be completely at ease and content with where I am at, but still move towards a goal? Even when my heart might desire something a little different?
Here is one of my favorite verses…Philippians 4:11-13…I think of it a lot.
“I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”
When we can come to a place of being content despite our circumstances…then we are TRULY FREE.
I will pray you can find contentment in the midst of discouragement and even sorrow…the death of a plan is hard. I’ve been there. But just know that this is not permanent. You will make it out of there my friend…there is much more to see.
Love you.
xxoo
sara
“This has been in my thought process as well lately…how can I be completely at ease and content with where I am at, but still move towards a goal? Even when my heart might desire something a little different?”
wow, yeah i can so relate to this, sara, and to your post in general, tara. how to “be here now” when i am trying to law-of-attraction myself to something better? it’s a little confusing. i send you a great big hug.
sara – thanks for bringing this verse back to the forefront of my mind – i needed this
Oooooohhhhh!…”I’ve lived in fear of Too Good Too Last, and I carefully kept my life and my joy at bay. I kept myself from loving or living unconditionally to protect myself from the pain that follows loss.” Tara! This is me, too! I’m so scared to be too happy…because, I just know that there is danger around the corner from that. After we got back from our road trip, even though it was just 9 weeks, I heard the jail doors slamming shut, and I just shuddered. Those sounds creep up behind me still…and I have to fight like an animal to quiet them. I know that the point is to be free IN MY SOUL…not WHERE I AM. All that to say…I absolutely get it! I get you. It’s going to be fine…but, process how you need to. You’re free to do it!
Hey Sister, I feel you and I thank you for your authentic sharing.
I too, have been dealt some rather tornado-like blows in the last few days that have left me reeling. However, I’m back in the garden, rebuilding my dreams. I am resolved that if the Universe kicks my ass and crushes my dreams 100 times then I will rebuild everything 101 times. I want to tell you that from an outsider’s perspective, you have been blessed with the unbelievable good fortune of living with the man you love and your own child. I long for that on a deep, soul level, and yet, I am separated from the one I love for a minimum of 7 months, and possibly forever. 3 months in a city that I loathe with the man I love sounds like the most epic paradise imaginable to me. And by writing this, I am in no way trying to diminish the validity of your feelings. I’m just saying that there may be another handle to hold the situation by. The ecovillage in Sedona is unfolding rapidly, so perhaps you can pay a visit some day. One Love! Walker
Sending you love, Tara! And if you would like, I will be attuned for Reiki II (distance Reiki) on Thursday and will send you that too if you would accept it.
You are so raw and real. I hope you know that we all appreciate you being authentic. Life is full of ups and downs and although we never wish any downs on you – we are here to listen and help when it does happen.
You are in the midst of it now and it may be hard to get out of the whirlwind of thoughts. Sit in it if you have to. Cry if you have to. Just acknowledge all of it. There are bits of joy in the fears. Bring those itty bits to the foreground and sit in those thoughts too.
I see your a strong woman – and the very act of writing it all out and sharing,
shows that your already embracing what comes your way.
Be proud of who you have become thus far – and find peace knowing you are able
to help others as you journey your own road.
I relate to this so much! Prayers for you and yours as you get through this. The trapped feeling is the WORST. It’s okay to feel that way and to cry and to wallow. Our emotions are ours to own. Take care of yourself, Girl.
Oh, mama! Sending you hugs. The fact that you are writing about it here, is proof that you are owning it and that is a positive thing in the midst of the negative. Love and light to you.
Well, since you said you don’t want me to say anything, I won’t tell you what I’m thinking about happiness and whatnot. Instead, I’ll just say this: I hope it all gets sorted out soon, whether in your mind, or plans change to suit your wants.
Maybe it’s too personal to talk about, but why are you stuck there? You guys seem like very thrifty and resourceful people, I can’t imagine why you’re stuck in Las Vegas of all places… maybe I haven’t kept up with your blog as much as I should have — so I’m sorry if it’s obvious — but why not just pick up and move somewhere else where you really want to be?
We send you virtual {{hugs}} and support to guide you through this. Remain strong. Writing your feelings is extremely healthy! Thank you for sharing this with us.
big hugs to you dear sister.
i too am sitting in some uncomfortable waters right now and found your words very comforting.
thank you so much for your honesty. and for giving voice to much of what i am feeling but am afraid to speak or write.
much love to you…
~erin
ah, sorry to hear you’re being slowed down a bit tara! but i love what sara said too, i hope you can embrace and even enjoy it soon. what a great group of people (from the ones i saw) you have to spend the time waiting with. but i hope you get back OTR soon as you can too!
True or not, I hate when I’m feeling disappointed or let down and someone tries to tell me it’s all part of a master plan. Are we not allowed to embrace our disappointment for a bit without being asked to look on the bright side? Take your time honoring yourself and your feelings.
If I didn’t understand so greatly the feeling, I would probably be less grateful for all the kind things people have said so far. Sometimes, when your mind is naturally positive thought led, it’s easy to hit bumps and immediately just feel like it was all pointless. Like every time you tried to be positive, uplifting, and encouraging – every time you suppressed whatever negative thoughts your mind may have let creep in, like those times do not matter.
The amazing things you’ve learned though in the this past year of embracing your fears and making an awe-inspiring journey is what should set you up to move past this moment of despair. Time does NOT have a hold on you Tara, it’s temporary. It will pass away, but you still have yourself and your family.
Like Sara said, this is the time to try something a bit different. To embrace that things do not always go how we want them to, whether we are feeling at the top of the world or in a deep valley. Soak up the fact that you have returned to a place that was once your permanent home, but you KNOW it’s not anymore. You ARE just visiting, and even if that visit is longer than expected, it’s still just that. A visit.
Enjoy the things you love in the area!
I hope that you can find peace soon!
I am very afraid to dream for fear of “how dare you dream something so wonderful” and the disappointment that (inevitably, at least in my negative mindset follows). Opening myself up to dreaming and hoping is hard. I have been watching your journey with much interest in this regard, often wondering, “could I do that?”. I don’t feel called to travel your journey but I do feel called to trust, to hope and be ready to dream. You have encouraged me to do that.
I have no amazing words of calm for you. Nor are you asking for that. But I KNOW that this will turn out as it is supposed to. And you will continue to encourage all of us, but more importantly yourself, with how life works out if you are just open enough to try.
I won’t ask until you’re ready to tell.
But here are some virtual (((hugs))) for you.
This is me. Hugging you. Letting you cry. Love you.
I read through everyone’s advice and it’s amazing how we all have felt this way. I am the worst, I can’t stay anywhere without feeling discontentment and the sad part is that most of my family and close friends know to expect it from me, which hurts because I try to be content in all things just like Sara’s verse from Phillipians. My other favorite verse from 2 Corinthians 10:5 is, “take captive every thought.” speak contentment from your mouth, place little reminders around about what you love about Vegas–my favorite place in the bathroom mirror with lipstick. Embrace this so you can come out stronger. Peace and love.
Lynne
I think it is not only appropriate, but sometimes necessary to feel shitty and to allow ourselves to feel rotten. You’re amazing and I’m so proud of you for honoring your emotions. That does suck and yet I know you’re on the perfect path and by following your intuitive cues you are finding the best way for you and yours.
((((hugs)))))
Sometimes a deep, long cry and “sitting in your space” (however uncomfortable) is the most soul cleansing.
You are strong. You are true. You will make it through.
All my best,
Mari
HUGS!!!!!! Hang in there, it will all work out. Love you and miss you!
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but this is the first time I’m commenting. Your post just about tore my heart out, because I’ve been there. Not fearing the good, because it may not last, but I’ve been in that state where I was so emotionally untethered, so raw and frightened that I didn’t even know which way to go. I struggled with anxiety, depression and panic for a long time, dealing each day a little bit more with the roots of these emotions. The books of Pema Chodron were my life line and the start of me being able to reel myself back in emotionally to find peace inside me. This is from her book ‘Start Where You Are’, p. 96:
“One of the most powerful teachings of the Buddhist tradition is that as long as you are wishing for things to change, they never will. As long as you’re wanting yourself to get better, you won’t. As long as you have an orientation toward the future, you can never just relax into what you already have or already are.
“One of the deepest habitual patterns that we have is to feel that now is not good enough. We think back to the past a lot, which maybe was better than now, or perhaps worse. We also think ahead quite a bit to the future – which we may fear – always holding out hope that it might be a little bit better than now. Even if now is going really well – we have good health and we’ve met the person of our dreams, or we just had a child or got the job we wanted – nevertheless there’s a deep tendancy always to think about how it’s going to be later. We don’t quite give ourselves full credit for who we are in the present.”
Whether it’s this book, ‘When Things Fall Apart’, or ‘The Places That Scare You’, please just pick up one of her books, open it up to any page and start reading. Page by page, you’ll rediscover who you are underneath all the layers of fear and pain. Peace be with you, Tara.
You are right. The good is always too good to last. BUT, so is the bad. Nothing lasts, because nothing is static. This will pass as well…eventually. Just remember that the small, seemingly insignificant things that make you feel at home no matter where you are are there now. They will pass too…seek them out today and allow yourself to enjoy them. Walk with your son, hold your husband’s hand, find a surprise at the farmer’s market, or just breathe deeply and enjoy the smell, the sound, the fleeting coolness of a passing breeze. Hold on to the small things, let them pass, and hold their memory in your heart when you are in despair. Take heart.
I understand and (((HUGS))) We where all ready to leave here in June then a tree hit the roof so the RV went in the shop, I had to move back into the house with furniture then it came out of the shop in late august and I had to get rid of all the junk we collected. Now I have been living in my driveway in a RV for 3 weeks, because they are fixing the house to sell it, and yesterday I was told it will take a week to fix a stupied broken window, so I am going NUTS! I feel trapped and ready to leave, I am living in my driveway with 5 kids while my home is being remodeled can we say going crazy? (((HUGS)) Maybe when we get on the road we can visit you in vegas?
You are not trapped you will get on the road you will get out of there! Because you are determined and one strong lady. It is ok to be mad, upset and to cry but then you have to pick yourself up dust yourself off and make your dreams come true. You will only appreciate it if you lose everything and work your tail off to get it. That is what is keeping me going anyways.lol
I’m right there with you on the roller coaster. People ask me how I’m doing, and I just tell them that I don’t know. I say, “I’m just living moment to moment”. Some moments I feel so much hope, and other moments I just want to cry with despair. Every e-mail and phone call brings new challenging situations, and I take each challenge as it comes. I am committed to my path. I know the decision points and the rough economic time line. I know my priority is my family. I know I cannot return to status quo.
as said in Cinderella “Impossible things are happening everyday.”
anything I can think to say just sounds like platitudes and those rarely help in these moments.
I am holding you with all the grace and peace I can hope for you.
Much Love Tara, Justin and Jeb
Yep, that would be Zeb. :/
Sorry about that.
Tara, your ability to articulate such depth of feeling is powerful and stunning. Thank you. My big, bright shiny dream star has recently dimmed, too. And I could feel every word you said.
Big love to you~Tiffany
THIS PLACE SUCKS EH. IT IS NO FUN AT ALL.
. x0x
soory, that wasn’t meant to be capitals but i’ll leave it as i have a baby in the other hand.
i know exactly what you are talking about here. in the times of amazing happiness and confidence, i am posessed with a fear that leads me to think “i hope this never ends” or “i want to be like this forever”, and then everything changes and *that/this* place we don’t like comes back. yes, inevitable, part or the ups and downs and round and arounds of living. i accept things more now and feel it rather than try hard to avert it. sounds like you are doing this well.
isn’t it great you can share this and get support in it though
It’s OK to grieve the loss of a dream, that means that the dream is GOOD! And I have learned that you have to acknowledge and feel the pain in order to remotely experience the joy that is the other side of the coin of sorrow.
I’ve also learned that acceptance is the key to peace, even when the lock is rusty and it’s hard to turn the key.
But I think that owning your feelings is necessary to reach acceptance, otherwise how will you know what you are accepting?
God gives good gifts to His children. But sometimes they are wrapped in plain brown paper, disguised as disappointment. You have to rip off the paper, open the box, and prepare to be surprised.
And I DO hope you are happy being around the peeps you are living with right now, cuz I’m happy that you’re temporarily stuck here and not out in no mans land somewhere! Love you.
You said it so well… “I’ve lived in fear of Too Good Too Last, and I carefully kept my life and my joy at bay.” That’s how I’ve lived my whole life too. I don’t know why and I fight it every day. My mom says I’m “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. You are definitely not alone in that struggle and I think it’s impressive that you were able to keep it at bay for so long. I hope things get better soon.
Oh, that sucks. I have been through those moments and it sucks sucks sucks sucks. I know you will make it through and have some stories to tell, and will find some amazing thing to carry into an inspiration or breakthrough, but for now, tonight, in the midst of it all, hugs.
Just to let you know I admire and think of you.
Love from Holland!
Tara,
sending you lots of light.
all my best
cyndi
Oh Tara, my heart weeps with you and for you. I am so sorry to hear that your dreams have been crushed in this way. I’d love to write things that would tell you it will all be OK, that in time you will look back at these events from a different vantage point, but really they are just words that we say to try to stop someone we care about from hurting, and right now, I sense you are hurting too much, and that such words can then be more irritating than comforting. So, I will just hold you in my heart, wish for better things for you, be ready to listen as you let your feelings spill. Take care of yourself through these difficult days – I’m not going to be around for a week or so, but I will be thinking of you x x
Dang! I hear and feel you! Here is a hug and “Thanks” for allowing me/us to be your “space” for support and love. You are very authentic and that is why you are so loved. Thank you for showing me how to be authentic; that the “ick” is authentic as well as the pretty.
Love!
p.s. My parents came to dinner last night.
It was good.
Wow, what a powerful writer. Speaking from a seat just across the same train you are on, I would simply encourage you to see what you have. It’s what gets me through.
Namaste and good thoughts are being sent your way.
I’m a big fan of feeling what you feel – it’s all part of acceptance! Thanks for sharing. The whiny, blaming stuff too. It’s all good: you, the feelings, Las Vegas too.
Blessings.
Im terrible about lurking — wish I had commented sooner. Partly because stuff kinda marinates for a while before I could leave an adequate response anyway.
So, your post about deciding to stay living on the road, about risk, etc. It changed my life. I travelled with my mom as a teen for about 3 years, and I have been feeling called to travel again, but was waiting for “the right time”, and after reading that, I realized right now is the perfect time. No more waiting for life and adventure, among otherthi gs. I’m ready. So, I wanted to thank you for that, and I wanted to share that your journey of feelings right now, accepting them and expressing them, is another step toward this blog becoming my favorite blog that I follow. It’s already in my top 5.
I wish you lots of opportunities to fee better (not like “all better”, but to FEEL better). I can relate on so many levels.
P.S. – I am typing on my iPhone and can’t see what I’m typing because a format mess-up, so I apologize for any typos.
Sending hugs and good wishes. I’m sorry to hear about this setback. Best of luck in working through this and I’m rooting for you (no matter how cheesy that sounds).
I just want to extend my kindest wishes and love to you, Tara. I do hope everything works out for you …
Tara, I can really relate to this post, even though I have the opposite situation: here I have a place I love, a situation where I finally felt I had got all the pieces aligned and I have been really happy with living where I live…and now I am about to move away from everything I love. It’s for a good reason, it is a good family decision, but it is one that is also causing me more pain than I can give voice to. Like you, I struggle with trying to face change the way I want to face it, and also wanting to sit in the moment with the feelings I am feeling.
No real advice here, just compassion – I feel it, too.
I’m sorry your plans had to change. I hate that stuck feeling and I have felt stuck plenty of times in plenty of places through the years. You will get through it. You know that. I just wanted to thank you for sharing with us and for teaching us even during your rough period. Go ahead and grieve! We’re with you through it and when you come out of it. Hugs to you and positive thoughts sent your way,
Angela
This resonates with me because really I do the same thing…when things are good I’m wondering what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen…and I know the feeling of leaving a place you never truly felt at home in and having to come back to it only a few months later. It’s an awful stuck feeling.
Hoping you are doing okay. Don’t get down on yourself for being upset over something you thought you conquered…it’s all a journey. And don’t pressure yourself to see the “big picture,” either. When you see it, you’ll see it. Let yourself be.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with us.