What Not To Do On Painkillers

• Hold a conversation about the election and try to eloquently convey your thoughts on the validity of third-party candidates.
• Walk down the stairs without watching your feet.
• Worry your friends by swatting at the invisible bug crawling on your arm.
• Scratch the tip of your nose. Repeatedly. Over and over. Until it’s raw.
• Stare at the wall. Or fail to wipe the drool.
• Giggle uncontrollably in the presence of others. At something that didn’t happen. Then try to explain what’s so funny.
• Answer the phone. It’s not worth it. You sound stoned and no matter how you tell people you’re feeling, they won’t believe you. On that note don’t try to dial the phone either. I’m not sure who I woke up but I’m pretty sure they didn’t appreciate my slurred apology.
• Stare at your list of To Do’s while stuck on the couch.
• Talk to friends that make you laugh. Stitches don’t appreciate humor.
• Watch freaky movies like Jacob’s Ladder.
• Attempt to learn to knit from YouTube videos. (See how that photo is slightly out of focus? Well, apparently so were my eyes. Because I swear that photo was IN focus when I took it.)

Oh, there are plenty of things you should do while on painkillers…

• Make out with your husband. Carefully though.
• Giggle uncontrollably while no one is around. It just makes ya feel good.
• Invite your mother over and watch her clean your kitchen. But say you really wish you could help.
• Insist to your husband that Friday is usually the day the bathrooms get clean and someone will have to handle that for you.
• Smile at not cooking or doing the dishes.
• Enjoy the fruit basket your family sent you without a twinge of eco-guilt over those pineapples or out-of season melons.
• Read books riddled with wit and sarcasm, like The Know-It-All: One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. Just don’t entertain the idea of doing what he does in the book.
• Make out with your husband some more. Especially after he finds a Spartan costume for Halloween.
• Thank Gd you’re young and still heal fast but try not to feel old because the last surgery you had of this type 6 years ago didn’t leave you recovering for quite this long.
• Enjoy possibly the only down time you’ll get for the next few years. Dammit. It went by too fast. Which is to say I’m feeling great, am off the pain meds and am open to intelligent conversation again.

Off to plan a sustainable Halloween and find suitable attire in my closet! Have fun and stay “green” this week!