A few nights ago, on our way through Kentucky, we stopped in a little town called Berea. The town seemed absolutely charming, but we didn’t give ourselves much time to stay.
We parked near City Park to give ourselves a bit of time perusing their art galleries and shops. It was there that Zeb’s keen hearing detected the faintest of meows.
Not 10 feet from our RV we found it: a tiny kitten stuck in the storm drain.
We had little time and still hadn’t found a place to stay for the night, but I knew within an instant of Zeb’s realization of the kitten’s danger this would be taking up a fair amount of our time that evening.
We tried it all and gathered quite a few looks while we did it: attempting to climb into the storm drain ourselves, lying flat in the gutter in an attempt to reach the tabby, making cat calls, sacrificing our leftover dinner and even bothering neighbors for potential material to construct ramps.
At one point, because of the kitten’s fear, we left the ramp in place in hopes the little one would climb out, only to come back several hours later and just before nightfall to still hear his tiny calls.
So, we did the only thing we could do: We called the fire department.
I have a feeling to any other town’s police department a stranded kitten may not have been a priority. But in the small town of Berea, we had two local heros at our side within 5 minutes.
Again, we tried it all: lures, cat calls and climbing in through the manhole covers. This job fell to one of the firemen and Justin.
Yes, Justin crawled in the dark storm drain at 10:30 at night for a kitten. (Wish I had a picture of that!)
In the end, the kitten ran away from us to what we can only hope was his escape through a nearby exit. And we were left with only minutes to get to the nearest RV park before it closed.
What Stranded Kittens Have To Do With Parenting
Not much, actually.
Or a whole lot depending on your child.
You see, this whole time Justin was feeling rather stressed about getting to the RV park on time. He didn’t worry that the kitten would eventually find the nearby exit. And he didn’t really feel excited to climb into a dank storm drain. He was anxious to leave and for good reason – it was hot as sin outside and boondocking without an AC was a terrifying thought in itself.
But his child had a look on his face that no parent should ever ignore. It’s the look of feeling that the situation is monumental, and they are too small. It’s the look that doesn’t say, but certainly means, “This matters so much to me and I don’t know how to handle it.”
It might be stranded kittens, or scary phone calls, or Big Bad Bullies. It might be the millionth time in the swimming pool that suddenly looks too deep, or a dark and spooky corner of the house or too many people thinking they should be seen or not heard.
It might be intimidation, fear or concern.
It might be any number of situations that feel Too Big to handle. They might be the stranded kitten in need of assistance or the anxious boy looking for help in rescuing. But it’s usually an opportunity we don’t recognize until it’s too late.
Invalidating Children
I’ve seen far too many people leave kids stranded with these feelings of fear. They tend to think “she should be able to handle this by her age” or maybe “it’s just not a big deal” and they force their children into action (or away from it).
I’ve seen parents do it and I’ve seen parents allow others to do it to their kids.
And it sends the same message to our kids every time:
- You’re feelings are not as important as mine or someone else’s
- This is too inconvenient or unimportant to deal with right now.
Which really only means one thing:
- I’m the only real, important person in this situation. Who you are or what you feel is invalid.
It’s the number one way we invalidate our children, establishing their place as lesser human beings with lesser needs and rights and ensuring a cultural bias against the younger members of our society.
It’s probably also the most common and easily overlooked way we harm our relationship with them, setting up our future relationships to be riddled with battles, disrespect and distrust on all sides. We don’t trust what they feel and they don’t trust that we really care for them. That’s a recipe for disaster.
Our Role As Mindful Parents
We are our children’s first, and for some time, likely their only, advocate. We might be the only one to hear their cries from the storm drain or the only one to help them do the rescuing.
It’s our role to…
- Go “to bat” for our children: Sometimes our kids just can’t take the necessary swings. We need to show them our unconditional love by stepping up to the plate with our whole hearts. Who cares if it’s pee wee baseball or the Major Leagues?! Get out there and play the game! We don’t even have to win always win. We just need to show up and do our best; our children will see that.
- Go the extra mile: Sometimes they will know what they need and clearly ask for it. Other times we have to go above and beyond what they ask for, offering up new solutions and ways we can help. Think of it as strewing for problem-solving. Then do it. Do more than most people would do. Impress your kid. Just know when to stop. And don’t embarrass them.
- Embarrassing yourself is up for grabs, though. Seriously. Sometimes what we need to do for our kids, to build or maintain their trust, advocate for their needs or help them attain their goals means looking like a fool. People will criticize, use words like “doormat” and maybe even stop talking to us. We might appear pushy or a pushover. We may lose some friends and offend a few family members. Isn’t that better than hurting our children? There is no justifying placing a wedge between our children and ourselves, causing harm to our relationships and breaking their trust just to save our own egos.
I’ve had a lot of experience both invalidating and validating Zeb and all the negative backlash both can bring. We probably all have done both to some extent. We’re parents, not perfect.
But all the things I thought would happen by playing my child’s advocate, all the things I thought I saw too much of and didn’t want to encourage (what I thought was lazy, lack of motivation, demanding, fearful, or immature) have simply disappeared.
Everything I thought might happen, didn’t. Why? Because our children need our advocacy. Just like they need love or food or water. Met needs do not create needy children.
We are our children’s heroes. It’s high-time we don that cape, wear our undies on the outside of our pants and play the part!
My name is Tara. I am a mama and a lover, a full-time nomad, a passionate devourer of Life and an Organic Life Coach.
Sister…you are right on! I love the way you think.
Hope you enjoyed KY…we live about 1/2 hour from lovely Berea!
Safe travels,
Jeannie
I think you’re spot on here — brilliant post!
Tara, this made me cry! I have so much love for Justin (and you) right now, I can’t even imagine what a huge difference this experience will make for Zeb in the future.
I have two small moments to share.
A few weeks ago, we had guests visiting, and we piled in the van and headed for Seattle to . Before leaving the house, my friend encouraged her 10yo daughter to leave behind her teddy bear so he wouldn’t get dirty or lost. By the time we’d gotten 10 miles down the freeway, my little friend was in tears and missing her bear. I found a place to loop around, drove the 10 miles home for the bear, and then we were on our merry way again. It cost us 20 minutes and $3 of gas. SO WHAT?! We had a happy 10yo with us for the rest of the day, one who *knows* her needs are important to us and that we won’t punish her for a decision she regrets. It’s worth gold.
The other story shows some of what happens when kids are raised this way. On an outing with other friends, we ended up in a situation where there were 7 chairs for 8 people. My friends’ 4yo crawled up in one of the chairs–her tiny little body dwarfed by the adult-sized seat and back–and was clearly just tickled to be there. Without batting an eye, my 17yo sat on the floor. To her, our little friend had just as much right to that big chair as everybody else. And she did!
Aww, Ronnie I *loved* these stories!! Especially the last one. Golden.
Oh! Proof again that the younger generations are wonderful! Hug your big ‘un and tell her how proud and full of hope she’s made a stranger!
I sometimes fear my children are the only ones.
Thanks,
Honey
This is a very good reminder, one of those parenting touchstones, so thanks for illustrating the importance of meeting and validating those oh so real needs.
This was eight years ago, (September), and in of my parenting self-doubt moments, I thought I had to be somewhere with my then 5 year old and that it would be better to not have my then 3 year old with me (yes, it was a learning experience). So I had asked my father to please watch my son, age 3 (still nursing, very attached to his sister). Since he normally was very happy with his Grampie, I thought he’d have fun for a couple of hours and we’d be back and everything would be great. It was a rare crazy morning, I was, in addition to having self-doubt, living through home refurbishing that cut us off from one part of the house to the other, my dh was off to another state for work, we were new to our neighborhood…it was a stressful morning. So while my dh and I are working to iron out any wrinkles to our day, my dad is constantly giving us his input and opinions. Our son was also expressing anxiety and worry about us leaving, as he wasn’t understanding our plans (nor should he have). Knowing this, I was trying to get a quiet moment with our son to see just how he was feeling, but was prevented from doing so with my father shadowing us, literally–”just go, he’ll be fine, he’s not upset, he’ll be fine, don’t worry” . Both my dh and I turned to my dad several times and told him to let us have a moment, that we would make sure of our son’s feelings before we decided anything. I even went outside to the other half of the house to get away from my dad, trying to do anything I could to just have a moment with our 3 year old. My dad followed. He was intrusive, but also intrusive into our body-space. I left, back to the other half of the house (the kitchen) and he followed. Again, my dh and I say to my dad that we will handle this, but that he needed to back off. And then, “kids will just manipulate you, Amy, you can’t let them do it. ” And I lost it. I did. I pointed and yelled and swore, really swore, and told him to leave my house. I had to say it several times. “It’s not your house, Amy” (he said, glancing at my dh). “Get the fuck OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!” He wouldn’t leave. He said I was nuts. Then my dh “you need to leave now”. Dad leaves. I’m crying and shaking and everyone is upset. My dad drives that hour home. I get a letter just before Yule, him saying that I’m psychotic and need help and that I’m “possesed” and that I “nearly killed him”. Here’s the thing: that thing I thought was important to do with my 5 yr old was a tour of a local, democratic school. ALL of us ended up going, dh changed his work schedule and both the kids had a blast at the school. We then traveled with my dh that day, out of state, so he could do some of his work, and the kids and I made a day out of it, exploring a beautiful park together. Later we had dinner out and the day ended on a very connected, attached, positve note. We decided that the school was not for us and that we would be unschooling. My dad decided to not speak to me (or his grandchildren) for an entire year–living an hour away! He’s done this several times.
That was a painful and hard lesson. If I had not been overtired and under stress (good stress, yes, but it was a lot of work refurbishing our house ourselves), perhaps I would have not doubted myself. The thing I didn’t do, and won’t do, however, is doubt my children. Even if my dad had been reasonable and keeping boundaries, I know that if our son had still been uncomfortable staying alone with his grampie, we would have changed our plans. My dad (and so many others) minimized and invalidated my feelings for so long (and still are) that I knew I didn’t want that to happen to our kids. This turns out to be the main reason we unschool. I’m not proud that I didn’t “keep it together”, but I felt provoked, truly. It’s always been tough between me and my dad.
Thanks for letting me long-winded, and for your post.
this is amazing ~ I’m wowed. I can’t even think of anything, though I know the moments have happened.. right now I am just seeing where I am not doing this right now. So, thanks for shining some light..
What a great post! Good for you all for rescuing that kitten! Nothing breaks my heart more than a wee kitten mewing alone. Well, a wee baby crying alone. That’s much more heartbreaking.
What you said about invalidating kids really struck home. That kind of treatment isn’t always forgotten. I was and still am invalidated by family members, and a few weeks ago I lost it with them. Years of pent up frustration and negative feelings poured out of me, with the result that my family is not speaking to me. And I feel okay about it. It’s demoralizing to have people (who are supposed to love you unconditionally) treat you like you have no right to your feelings.
My son is only a toddler, but I’m sensitive to that behavior already, because of my own experience. When certain family members treat him or me like we’re “wrong”, it makes my skin crawl. When people say things like “why are you doing that for him? Make him do it himself!”, I feel like they just don’t see him as a human being worthy of respect and support, when it’s obvious that’s what he’s asking for. It’s so sad.
I frequently don’t know what to do at those times, when the situation is set up in an oppositional or adversarial manner. I tend to just keep my mouth shut, ignore the undermining and do what I need or what my son needs me to do. He is my priority, and his relationship with me is sacred. I’m not throwing it under the bus to make other people feel better about the way I parent.
@Rachel, I think you’ve touched on something in your comment that is deserving of it’s own discussion – knowing how to handle it or what it “looks likes”.
It can be SO HARD to stand up to our kids, especially if we weren’t raised to stand up for ourselves. And when we’re facing the very people who raised us that way, we can certainly feel conflicted on how to break the cycle with our own children.
I can’t remember many times my parents didn’t allow me to speak my mind (what other people refer to as “talking back”). I’ve never been afraid of confrontation. But I did learn that many people don’t listen and what can start out as my standing up for myself or others can quickly become a confrontation depending on how they view it.
I think it’s crucial to do whatever we can to not let that happen. We shouldn’t feel as if we’re battling anyone, most especially our family and friends. We should be firm but not accusatory; determined without angry. Ha! Not always easy…sometimes not even possible! But I know I want to set the example of treating even our attackers as human beings too. Well, whenever possible….
Right on!!!! What a great post…I hope it reaches many many parents, and give folks something to think about!
I’ve been guilty of invalidating my daughter at times…when the stress level is too high, and my energy is too low…but, I do try to make up for it!
I like that you said, “we’re parents…not perfect!”
I took alot away from what you wrote…thank you
xoxo maureen
Tara- you are soooo one of my Heros! I love the way you think & look forward to your blog posts everyday! High five for Tara!
Much love- Jen
<3 this post!! Go Justin for getting in that drain when he didn't want to, at night, to save a baby kitten! And, I've heard so much about Berea with two friends who attend college there. I really look forward to getting around that town myself one of these years!
My story is one of me standing up to my Dad for my son. My Dad is one of "those" parents who really does believe that children are here to serve us and respect us and ya know… not too much more. I flew him out here for Thanksgiving a couple years back and while he was here Zane was being a young boy and doing something normal(and irritating) that I can't remember anymore. Anyway, it annoyed my Dad so much that he told Zane that no one should get him anything for his birthday(which was THAT day!) because of how he was acting. I wrapped my arm around Zane's shoulder, looked my Dad in his eyes and told him "Put yourself in check or on my porch, you don't talk to ANYONE in this house that way, not how we work." Told Zane, "You don't listen to a thing he said, he's being grumpy and rude." and took Zane to his room to calm down together. It was great because that's how my Dad talked to me when I was young and it felt SO good to stand up for Zane and show him that he doesn't have to listen to that nonsense.
Sometimes it's hard to change a pattern, but I know that in that moment Zane knew good and well where my priorities lie and I think our kids should know that they are tops in our hearts.
Again, <3 this post!!
Beautiful! And I love all the stories that you all have shared. Always good to be reminded what kind of parents we strive to be for our children. What a great way to end my day:)
In case you didn’t know and are still in the area…..Berea is the home of Berea University, where all students receive a grant in the amount of the tuition. A free university!!!!!
that was a wonderful post, lets face it, if we the parent don’t advocate for our own children then who will?
Thanks, Tara, for the reminder.
Sometimes we know things, but forget them at the same time. Hearing it again, in such a beautifully illustrated way, puts it back in the forefront where it belongs.
Sister- I loved your post. What a great reminder about the importance of leaving space for our children to express themselves and have faith in their intuition. I have 14 month old and lately it has been a struggle with temper tantrums and long nights. It’s nice to take a step back and wonder what would happen if we just attended to his needs. He needs to sleep with us, to nurse all night long, to have our full attention (even when there is other stuff that needs to be done). You have reminded me that maybe the most radical thing I can do is just to attend to his needs, and that I am not spoiling him by doing so. I am honoring his intuition and providing the foundation for a person who can sense what he needs in each moment.
couple of weeks ago while camping Eli got into a very heated discussion w/ an adult present about children having equal rights as adults and how their thoughts/feelings/opinions matter just as much – well, the other adult sadly was not able/willing/open to seeing things in a new light – but the awesome part of it was how Eli held his ground. He didn’t back down one bit and I was a terribly proud mama – now I gotta work of showing that more – cause in the moment I was just trying to avoid that energy cause it was intense!
When I was a little girl, I had a teddy bear (still have her, actually). @Ronnie’s comment reminded me of a simple way that my mom validated me and my fears in regards to Pink when I was a kid…
I was worried about going to heaven and leaving Pink behind when I left. All my mom said was “God knows what you need. Everything we need is IN heaven. If you get to heaven, and you still need Pink, God will make sure she’s there.”
When Ian was a little boy, he was worried about growing up, and through growing up, moving out. He didn’t want that, because he was little, and the idea of living without mom and dad was scary back then. (oh, to have him at that age again) I remembered my mom’s words about Pink, and told Ian that if he got to be a grown up, and he still didn’t want to move out, that we would love to have him live with us. That was just what he needed to hear.
I don’t have children myself, but I’m an aunt to many. Out of all the parents I’m close to, only one would agree with the phrase “Met needs do not create needy children.” Oddly enough, her children are the most independent, intelligent, and happy. Not saying she’s perfect or that her kids are perfect, but she has a relationship with her kids that many of our friends envy.
Hope I’m not completely out-of-place commenting here, but I had to at least say thank you for this post!
Beautifully written to the point it brought tears to my eyes. We have a chalkboard hanging in our son’s room with the Dr. Seuss quote, “A person is a person no matter how small,” as a constant reminder. Jackson may only be 13-months-old, but he’s still a living, breathing person with thoughts, wants, needs, wishes, etc. His thoughts/wants/needs/wishes/etc. are every bit as important as our own. We also remind ourselves that no one is better, no one is else, we’re all in this crazy world together.
I’m not a parent yet, but I do have a story concerning this type of thing. My mom used to let us sleep with her, basic attachment parenting IMO. When we got older people said we were spoiled, brats, that we wouldn’t be confident, would be afraid to sleep alone, insecure, etc. We love to be comforted by our mom, but we can also cope without her.
Also she was talking about how people would get upset when she would pick us up and comfort us when we would be crying or express our need to be with her.
When my son was a newborn in his crib and was crying for me, I made a motion to go comfort him, which I did every time he cried. My mother admonished, “You need to let him cry. He needs to learn that he can’t have everything he wants.” I relinquished my temptation to snap back, and asked, “What is it right now that he wants that he can’t have? Comfort? Love? Reassurance? I can give him all of those things right now. He needs to learn that he can have those things from me any time he wants” and I proceeded into the bedroom. Uncharacteristically, my mother sat there silently.
I think it was more of a generational difference than a reflection of her personality. She had the belief ingrained to “do without…because there’s nothing” and had translated that into her personal relationships. Even though she has given unconditional love throughout our upbringing, she has difficulty, even still, giving it freely. Her economics had seeped its way into her emotional responses.
Thank you for this post as a reminder to “give our children a soft place to land”, to validate their opinions and to listen with open hearts.
“Met needs do not create needy children.” Love this line!
Excellent post and so true, all of it! After reading Naomi Aldort, my entire perception of parenting changed and I realized how much validation children need, how much love, support, intuitive parenting, patience, all of it! I don’t understand where our society has gone with its ideas of parenting but I’m so grateful that there are some amazing parents out there who are helping to change this trend.
This post makes me very happy. I shared it on fb.
Oh, yes. I know that look that you’re talking about. It’s almost palpable. A few years back, my daughter and I were driving down the freeway, and she saw a dog loose on an on-ramp. She wanted (with all her being) to help it. I thought of a gazillion reasons why we couldn’t: we’d have to turn around, it might not be there once we got to that place, it might be dangerous, how could we contain it…you know, THE LIST. I kept driving, but I felt this deep sadness in my daughter and felt a missed opportunity.
Where did this “It’s not possible” motto come from? It’s so deeply ingrained. How to break free…?
I love this, thanks for sharing. I am loving yoru blog and have found it very inspiring. I have just linked to this post, hope that’s ok? – http://ourworldwideclassroom.blogspot.com/2010/07/sunday-shout-out-mindful-parenting.html
I wept while telling my husband about this post this weekend. I aspire with all my heart that we will give this kind of attention to our little one and whatever matters to him. Thank you.
[...] from The Organic Sister Posted on July 26, 2010 by manji51 My wife sent me a post from The Organic Sister the other day. This is a wonderful demonstration of the importance of parents to act as the [...]